KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE: PART 2

Welcome to part two of the four part review of the 1982 Kung Fu/Horror flick, KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. As always I am Matt, your guide to all things cheese and celluloid. I am figuring if you are reading this then you have read part 1 of my review. If you haven’t you might be a little confused. Oh who am I kidding, it wouldn't matter if you actually saw this movie you'd still be confused. I've seen it three time and I still don't fully get it. But for those of you late to the party or with short term memory let me recount the tale up to this point.

Ok, see there is this guy Billy Chong and his Dad came back from the dead and wants him to get revenge on his murder. Billy heads off to another town to do so and comes on the dead body of a Wizard, who was killed by another Wizard. Billy buries the body and finds the Wizard's Book of Magic in the hilt of his sword but leaves it there with the body cause he is an idiot. He then makes his way to a inn, where his Dad's ghost wakes him up in time to hear a murder taking place in the next room and he fights the murders who are clearly the Inn Keepers. They are working for the bad Wizard that killed the good Wizard, and he in turn works for the guy that killed Billy's Dad. The bad Wizard uses the heart's of the couple that the Inn Keepers killed to spit blood over the guy that killed Billy's Dad, because he is afraid of getting shanked. Billy then confronts his father's murder only to get attacked and a guy with weird cheekbones has to bail him out. Not learning his lesson Billy sneaks back into his Father's Murder's house and tries to kill him again, but in the end is beaten up by the Wizard who uses magic and he runs away like a little school girl with a skinned knee.

Whew...ok now that that is out of the way we can begin.

So after having his butt pretty much handed to him Billy is walking the streets of the town feeling sorry for himself, but before he can dwell on this too long he spots two drunk old men wandering the streets as well, but they are wandering with a purpose. One claims he can show the other where to get free food and wine, so of course he follows. I guess the offer seems tempting to our Hero as well, as he falls in line and follows them just out of sight. The two men slip into a building and Billy sneaks up and looks through the door at them.

Drinking with the dead.

Turns out the free food and wine where from the offerings to the dead in the temple. So in a way our two drunk fellows are grave robbers. I'm sure they'll get plastered and then Barney will come by in the morning and lock them up in their regular cell and they'll sleep it off. And after a stern lecture from Andy and some of Aunt Bea's pie they'll wander back out into the public to repeat the whole process again tomorrow night. Course, something feels different tonight, could it be cause we are among dead bodies and this movie is called Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave? Hmmmmm? Let's watch and see.

So after watching our two intoxicated friends loot the offerings left by loving families for a few minutes, Billy slumps down on the doorstep to sleep. Why he can't go back to the Inn I don't know. Maybe he's just not as dumb as everyone else in the town and he has put two and two together and figured out the Inn Keepers are the murders. Course this is Billy we are talking about, so more likely he was so arrogant that he thought he'd come in and kill his Dad's murder in one day and be on his way home by now, and thus only brought enough coin for one night's stay.

Back inside the Dead seem to be getting fed up with their drunk visitors and begin to rise from the grave. Of course in typical fashion our comic relief players here are too drunk to notice the zombies rising all around them. Nope, they have to wait for the right moment to take note of that. It's called comic timing people, and these guys are professionals. Course when they do notice it, it quickly becomes the Chinese version of Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. The two drunks going running from the building screaming right past Billy and into the night.

Now the Dead have followed those that disturbed their slumber, but they had no chance to catch them as they are all doing the bunny hop. You heard that right. Every ghost is bounding around like the Easter Bunny in April. You know I think this might be a zombie type that needs to be explored further. I mean slow zombies where scary, and fast zombies just made it that much worse. But bunny hopping zombies, well you just might poop'em if you saw that coming at you.

By the time the ghosts...zombies...undead...whatever they are get to the doorstep the two drunks are long gone leaving Road Runners like trails of dust in their wake. So of course they turn and who do you think they find catching forty winks on their front door? Why Billy of course. Now the Dead, they aren’t rude, so they gently nudge Billy awake. When Billy does finally get up he is met with the horror of being surrounded by the decomposed faces of the walking dead. So for the second time that night, Billy soils himself.

G-G-G-GHOSTS!!!

Now just when he thinks he is total Scooby Doo like goner, a strange looking old hunchback appears and begins to yell at the ghosts to get back. He threatens to punish them if they disobey him and then starts do some strange chants and hand gestures. I guess this fellow is a Wizard too. No shortage of them in this town. They must have put a DeVry Wizard’s School in the mall. The Ghosts quickly return to their coffins in fear of Quasimodo's spells. He then locks them inside the temple. Now you would think that Billy would thank the man for saving his hide from a fate worse then death, but nope he doesn't do it. Instead he starts to think out loud about the power of magic. We get a nice flash back here of just about every scene in the movie up to this point that has to do with magic. Wait, wasn't there a book of magic someplace? Oh yeah with that dead guy a buried!

And I ran...I ran so far away.

So off Billy goes into the woods back to place where he buried Good Mr. Wizard yesterday. He finds him by literally tripping over the feet sticking out of the ground. Luckily he didn't bury him too deep and it doesn't look like the dogs go to him yet. So he begins digging up the grave with his bare hands till he comes to the sword and then out comes the book which he should have just kept in the first place and avoided this whole mess.

See, this is what playing D&D leads too.

With book in hand, Billy find himself a nice little quiet spot, produces a huge octagon, complete with Chinese symbols and a Yin Yang in the center, from thin air, and starts in trying to learn the magic contained in the book. Soon he is magically making incense "pop" (ie: more cheap fireworks) to life with but a thought. He is really starting to get this stuff. Of course in the temple his meddling in the unholy powers has not gone unnoticed.

Wake the dead!

In their coffins the dead, the same dead that bunny hopped their way into Billy's nightmares, can hear the use of the magic and they want to know what is up with that. So, and I'm not kidding here, one of the dead sticks what looks to be a antenna made of bamboo out of his coffin. You know to get better signal. I just don't even know what to say here, but I guess it works cause they find out it's a boy and that he wants to use assassins to help him defeat Mr. Big and Mr. Wizard. So the get up out of their coffins, wipe the sleep from their eyes. Grab a cup of coffee on the way out the door and go see what Billy wants.

Where's Jerry?

Did I do that?

When Billy sees the dead he starts spouting something about not wanting them and not what he intended. Cause I mean who could have known that a guy that starts messing with the very forces of nature after learning it from a book and have a whole hours practice could have messed up. Now even though he messed up big time, Billy isn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I mean these guys are willing to go to bat for him and all for the low, low price of his son. So moving...wait, hold up. Did I hear that right? They want his son? What are they going to do with Billy's son? Provided he can find anyone willing to knock boots with him that is. I mean are they going to play catch with him? Or do they just want to bring him up in a home with good upstanding Zombie values? Well whatever the case may be he must have accepted cause the next time we see Billy he has an undead army in tow. Sold off his son...and this is our Hero folks. I'm really starting to lean towards Mr. Wizard's side at this point.

Billy's undead posse.

Ok...So the gates to Mr. Big's house are thrown open by some power and in walk Billy and the Sunshine Band. Ok, now the guards can see the gate open and are real confused by who could do such a thing, but...and this is a big butt here, they can't see Billy or the Ghosts. I guess the Ghosts put some neat little spell on him to make him invisible as I doubt we are lucky enough that they just went ahead and killed him and he is ghost now as well.

Hee Hee...ASStral projection.

A See thru Billy and Company move through the courtyard undetected by the dumbfounded guards standing around. Just something I want to say here, but this effect is the worst in a movie full of bad effects. The camera is moving faster then the people are filmed walking. So you get a strange detached look to this. It's hard to explain, but trust me it looks cheap. Not only that but the projected image goes in front of the guards and the poles. As this group is suppose to walking right up the middle between all these thing it only makes it more clear that they kinda just phoned this one in. Probably would have been more effective to just have them actually walk through the scene and make everyone pretend they couldn't see them. Would have saved them money too.

Billy also takes advantage of his new found invisible powers to take a couple cheap hits on Mr. Black who is just strolling along minding his own business. He gives him a quick punch to the gut before moving behind him. Course Mr. Black thinks one of the other cronies did it and give the guy next to a wicked back hand. But Billy isn't done. Oh no, not by a long shot. He then karate chops him across the back of the neck, and again Mr. Black decks the guy closest too him the poor sap screaming "Not Me...Not Me!" the whole time.

The Dead with Billy in tow then move into what I guess is Mr. Big's throne room or something. All I know is there is a big chair in the middle of this room which Billy plops down in. The Dead help themselves to the offerings scattered all over the room and generally make themselves at home.

Mr. Wizard knows something is afoot.

Mr. Wizard suddenly come running. He must have used his Wizard-Sense to detect the arrival of Billy. He can also see Billy and his Ghosts. He really is magic! He pops into the room and starts to give the ghosts a stern lecture. Even calls them silly. Then he orders them out of the house.

It's a deadman's party. Who could ask for more?

The Dead respond with a mass zombie attack with arms outstretched and ready for brain eating, but Mr. Wizard isn’t having that in his house. He whips out his magic cloak and gives them a blast of magic which sends them reeling backwards. Man...I'm really starting to like Mr. Wizard. He's so cool!

The Ghosts quickly recover and make a second attack. Now Mr. Wizard beats a hasty retreat to put some distance between him and the ghostly souls out for his blood. A few super human bounds and he is sure footing his way across the roof and drops down into the court yard. Billy and his ghosts are right on his heels though and the dead coming flying at him from all directions and quickly surround him. Again the magic cloak saves the day as he spins it around and around blasting each ghost as they get near it. He then lets it loose and like Captain America's shield it flies through the air knocking ghost aside before returning to it's owner.

No comment. Just love this picture.


It's about this time that Mr. Wizard thinks it's time to bring this battle up a notch. After saying a few spells, and giving us that silly look above he begins to shoot fire all over the Dead. That's right Mr. Wizard can shoot fire. This guy should have been the hero of this movie, he is worth like ten Billy's. I wonder if Mr. Wizard has a fan club? If he doesn't he should, that's all I'm saying.

How about a little fire Scarecrow!

Wha-Wha?

Ok, so the Dead must really want Billy's son since as soon as someone started shooting flames at me that he produced from thin air I'd be out of there, but instead they rally for another attack. For their effort they get yet another face full of fire from my new favorite person, Mr. Wizard. Seeing his undead army thrown back in defeat Billy decides to use the distraction to attack Mr. Wizard, but he isn’t having none of that and is up on his feet in a wink and ....wait...I think a scene is missing here as something happened and I think I missed it. Billy strikes out and finds empty air, and then BAM! they in the middle of a fight again, even the sound effects jumped. I guess something was missing here and they just cut it out and spliced it together with a crappy edit. Oh well...I bet it was just Mr. Wizard being awesome some more. Whatever the case, Mr. Black jumps in and soon Billy finds himself fighting Mr. Bigs goons as Mr. Wizard prepares to continue his fight against the Ghosts that have invaded.

BRAINS!

The Dead re-launch their attack on Mr. Wizard, who is now sitting on the ground trying to perform some spell. We get more of the same type of magic here as a stage hand pulls Mr. Wizard on a cart making it look like he is floating backwards to get away from his attackers. It seems, however, that Mr. Wizard wasn't using all his magic to make him look corny. He has summoned two...Ok I don't know what they are. Demons, maybe? All I know is one is all white, and one is all black. So they are Yin and Yang now, who have tongues that would put Gene Simmons to shame. So he summons Yin and Yang to fight on his behalf against the Ghosts. .

Fireworks inside the house are a big no-no.

Supernatural Pow-wow.

Yin and Yang get between their Master and the attacking Undead and throws them back with Magical wands that spew bright sparks and have a loud report. (IE: Fireworks.) The Ghosts recover quickly and are on their feet again but they are a little unsure about what to do now. So of course Yin and Yang come over and they begin to talk it out with the Ghosts. Now when I say talk I mean it in the loosest form possible. They actually don't say a word. They just flow together annoying yip and yaps in sentence format. It makes no sense at all and it really rather annoying considering how much time it takes up here. I'd say it's a good half minute at least. Now that doesn't sound like a long time, but when you have to listen to it feels like forever.

It don't matter if you are black or white.

Apparently nothing got solved as no sooner as the annoying yips end, the cheesy fireworks start again, with another flasher throwing the ghosts back again. They then give chase, and of course the Dead run away like big old sissies. I really don't think this is first born son worthy service here. I mean just about everyone has had their way with these guys and they haven’t really helped all that much at all. I think Billy should report these guys to the Better Business Bureau. And to make matters worse they run and hide behind Billy himself to get away from Yin and Yang. So what does that mean? Well it means Billy takes firework sticks right to the belly.

And Billy takes two Roman Candles to the gut.

Yin is forced to listen to the latest Cher album.

Mr. Wizard is as confused as I am.

But instead of going off in a great flash and throwing Billy backwards. When Yin and Yang’s magic wands touch Billy in the stomach they explode in the guys hands and they reel back in pain. Everyone is real confused by this turn of events, even Mr. Wizard as you can see above. I don't think this is what he had planned at all. So what could have caused these events? Is Billy the chosen one? Is he so pure that the magic didn't work on him? Did Yin and Yang's magic wands just get stored in the attic for a couple of years and then they found them while getting the Christmas lights out and decided to see if they still worked?

Heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!

None of the above. Turns out that the wands hit Billy right where he was storing the Book of Magic. I guess even touching the book is bad news for guys like Yin and Yang. And to think he was going to leave this with a dead body.

Negative scratches really smart!

I hear Dianetics has the same effect on sane people.

Now young Skywalker...you will die.

So when he pulls the book out from under his shirt, powerful rays of light (negative scratches) streak out and attack Yin and Yang knocking the backwards. As for me this was about the time I started to think that someone slipped some drugs into my drink. Problem was I was alone, so I hope I wasn't trying to get myself in bed. But watching this I just couldn't help but think I must be in altered state of mind. There is no way I am actually seeing this on film. It must come from some twisted side of my brain that I had repressed after seeing a naked clown at the circus die after his uncle touched him inappropriately. Yep...that's got to be what this was. Problem is that the more I tried to convince myself of this, the more I knew it wasn't true. This was happening. Well...guess I'll just have to suck it up and wade my way through it.

Yin and and Yang had an accident.

GET 'EM.

After blasting Yin and Yang unmercifully for a few seconds, they suddenly jump cut into two puddles of water. Billy is amazed at what has happened and turns the book around to look at it, in the process giving his own Ghosts a shot of magic to the face as well. Seeing his way clear to Mr. Wizard again Billy orders his ghosts to attack...and then what we have all been waiting for happens.

Dollar, Dollar Bill Y'all.

Mr. Wizard produces from his cloak a handful of cash and asks for Count Dracula to come to his aid and throws the money into the air where it burst into flames. Wait, did he just say Count Dracula? Oh man...ok, this is going to worth having to suffer through all of this other stuff I just know it. It's the Drac man! Course I can't help but think our main Vampire here has fallen on hard times. He is working for cash for a Wizard? I mean I know the recession is bad, but come on man. Have some self respect. Whatever Dracula's reasons for doing it we hear the demonic voice of the vampire saying he is coming!

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's...Dracula?

Dracula...WTF?

Hi! I'm Dracula and I don't belong in this flick.

Suddenly swooping down from the sky, Dracula has arrived. He flies circles around the Ghosts driving them back as Billy looks on in dumbfounded wonder. He then makes a few dives on the Undead, knocking some of them over before landing before them. We get shot of Dracula showing off his fangs. Now Billy's Ghosts don't want any part of this guy. The defacto leader of the Dead tells Dracula to mind his own business and that they will mind theirs and then tells him to go away. Now there are a few things in life (and death in this case) that you won't do. You don't put metal in a microwave, you don't talk to strangers, and you don't tell Dracula what to do.

So of course Dracula then proceeds to beat the living...ummmm dead tar out of anyone with green face paint that get's near him. He’s flying through the air, he disappearing one place and appearing another, he even takes a bite out of one poor fellow and spits the chunk of meat he tore lose to the ground. All and all Billy's Ghosts don't stand a chance here.

Dracula: The Lite Bright.

Laser Floyd: Now showing on Dracula's chest.

And bad news, the warranty just expired.

Watching this all go down, Billy can't just stand by as his chance for revenge is ruined my some round eye blood sucker. So he pulls out his weapon of mass destruction....no the Book of Magic you sicko. Bunch of perverts I tell you what. Anyway, He begins to blast Dracula with the full power of the book, but the lord of the undead just laughs this off. In fact he looks like it might actually tickle a bit. After showing Billy how ineffective against him his powers really are, he turns his attention back to Ghosts that he came here to destroy.

Crosses will stop ya right in your tracks dontcha' know.

Looks like Billy's Ghosts have seen a few Vampire movies
when they were alive.

It's about this time that Billy remembers all those old Vampire movies he saw as a kid and commands his Ghosts to make a cross. The dead do as they are told and make a cross out of convenient placed wood laying around. The cross does the trick and stops Big D right in his tracks. They are even able to drive him back a bit, but in the end none can defeat Dracula. He makes a lung for the wooden cross and rips it from their hands.




DRACULA HATE CROSS!


Mr. Wizard, smug as ever.


He quickly breaks the cross on his knee. Now he is POed and starts chasing the ghost all over the court yard. Billy starts to ponder what to do then disappears as Mr. Wizard looks on approvingly. Dracula continues his assault slicing through the dead like a warm knife through butter. They go flying side to side as he tears them apart, and really it looks like he is having a real good time in doing so. That is till Billy gets back.

Billy must have seen those movies too.

Drac left an air biscuit.

Billy jumps out in front of Drac-attack with a wreath of garlic in hand. The Vampire hisses and bears his teeth, but begins to move away as Billy slowly advances with garlic outstretched. Seeing his chance, Billy pulls a clove of Garlic from the wreath, but Dracula quickly disappears in a puff of smoke.

You never know where Dracula will show up.

Garlic bomb!

Now Dracula isn't retreating. No sir-e-bob! He is just doing a strategic retreat to behind a post a few feet away. Billy and his Ghost begin to search for Dracula, who finally steps out and reveals himself. One of the ghosts points him out to Billy who begins to throw cloves of Garlic like hand grenades (and they explode like them too) at the King of the Night. We get several shots of Dracula suffering under the assault as explosive garlic shrapnel pepper him. Thinking no amount of money is worth this, Dracula retreats to the sky, never to be seen again. Well in this movie anyway. I'm sure he'll turn up here and B-Movie Blitzkrieg again.

Thiller! Thiller night!

Billy has victory. He has defeated Yin and Yang, and even Dracula himself. All he has to do is order his Ghosts to destroy Mr. Wizard and his path to revenge is clear and his father can rest in peace. He rallies his troops and then orders the attack. They advance at their target. His defeat is assured as they move in for the kill. They creep closer and closer and then...

The dead have to leave. Gilmore Girls is on.

...Turn tail and run. I have not idea why they did this. They do say something as they are flee like fraidy cats, but I can't make it out. I just hope they don't expect to still get Billy's son after this performance. Billy actually did most of the work himself and considering Dracula showed up, that's saying a lot. So now Mr. Wizard smiles and Billy turns and realizes he is totally boned as the courtyard fills up with cronies ready to tear him limb from limb...



Will Billy get out of this? Will Mr. Wizard ever not be awesome? Will Dracula ever get a steady paying job and stop having to do freelance? This answers and more on the next episode of SOAP...I mean B-MOVIE BLITZKRIEG!


Till next time see you on the frontline.

KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE: PART 1.

Welcome one and all to the very first movie review here at B-Movie Blitzkrieg. And like any half assed Sci-Fi spin off show, this blog is going to start with an epic four part mini-series. Now you might be saying to yourself "Matt..." (That's me by the way. Your trusty guide to all things cheese and celluloid.) what is this thing all about?" Well I'll tell you. This place is all about those lost films of days gone by that didn't really make the cut. The low budget movies that ended up somehow being bad, but in a really good way. That's what this place is all about. Looking at those movies and laughing along with the absurdities of the plot, the looseness of the script, and non-existent effects budget. Now reading my review is going to hurt, and hurt bad, but not as bad as if you had watched the movie yourself. I took that bullet for you. So prepare yourself for our first film, first of many I hope, KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!



With a title like that, what could go wrong?


We open a old Chinese town gate. A Narrator breaks in and from the start I know I am in trouble here. The dialogue sounds like it has been recorded in a cave made of duct work. A sort of strange metallic echo. I thought this might just be for the voice over, but sadly it's not. The entire dub sounds this way. It makes hearing what is actually being said very difficult sometimes, but in this movie that might be a good thing.

Anyway, the Narrator goes on to explain that it is the month where the dead rise from the grave. Chinese Halloween in a nutshell. There is a nice montage of people going through the many customs that this month entails. Like beating a paper doll in the face with a shoe. You know the usual. We are then told that on the 14th day of the month that offerings are made up to the ghost that walk the earth. And it's right after this that the weird begins.




The Dead pass through the gates of Hell and
have a minty pine smell to boot.



We cut to a shot of the town gate, thrown open by unseen hands and Ghosts, you know they are ghosts cause they are green, start to pour in through the gate. This is of course accompanied by over the top Ghost moaning straight out of a cartoon. Lots of "oooooooooooo"s and "ewwwwwwwww"s and what not. I'm surprised no one was rattling chains. As they move through the town, they begin to eat the offerings of food. This is shown by a stage hand off camera lifting a fried chicken and pineapple into the air with some fishing line. Spooky.



Our Hero; Bruce Le...I mean Billy Chong!


So after we see all the ghostly going ons, we come to Billy Chong practicing his Kung Fu in the courtyard of his house. Doesn't Billy know it's Chinese Halloween? He shouldn't be outside. The ghost will get him. On a side note here, apparently our little Billy is a pretty famous Marital Arts star in Hong Kong. Can't say that I had heard of him before I saw this movie, but I don't exactly follow the genre either. So I'm sure someone will come on here and tell me all about him and then call me an idiot. It is the internet after all.

Back to Billy. So he is doing his Kung Fu in peace and making lots over exaggerated stretches and faces that Bruce Lee made so popular in these kinds of movies. Little does he know that he has attracted the attention of one of those pesky ghosts out on the prowl after getting his three day pass out of hell. The ghost glides past the outer windows and then floats over the wall and lands right behind Billy. Now does Billy scream? Does Billy run? Does Billy wet'em? Nope...Billy side kicks that undead dope right in the side of the head and sends him flying back over the wall. The ghost admits a comically funny "Whoa!!!" that had me on the floor by this point as he flies through the air with the greatest of ease. Course after Billy literally kicks this guy out of his house, THEN he asks "Who's there." Good manners Billy.



Guess they don't have any mirrors in hell.


The Ghost slides back up to the window and announces that he is in fact Billy's long dead father come back from the grave. He wants Billy to seek revenge against the man who killed him. A pretty cliché plot, but I have to say this movie made sure it set it's self apart from other movies. Not in a good way, but it set it's self apart, but more on that later. It turns out that Billy's dad worked hard in hell and saved his nickel and dimes and was able to bride his way back to Earth to see his son. If I were in Billy shoes there would be a hundred and one questions I'd want to ask, but "You mean they take brides in Hell?" isn't one of them. Course that is exactly what our bright little boy asks. Not "Hey is it hot down there?", "Is the Devil really as means as they say?", or "I bet it was cool to meet Elvis huh?"...nope, he is curious about how the economy works in hell. Well I bet the answer is just about as well as it works up here Billy. So Dad flies away with his son calling after him. About this time mom comes out of the house and probably wants to know why Billy is talking to himself again. He informers her that he just saw Dad's ghosts and tells her is he is going to go get revenge. And thus our story is set in motion.



Down by the river side.


Next we see Billy on the road, making his way towards the town where his father told him his murder could be found. A voice over from Mother tells us, and Billy, that some people that his Uncles sent to the town to look for his Father never returned. Course she let her only son go anyway. Guess she doesn't like Billy very much. What sitting at home playing Halo 3 all day and eating Cheetos on the bean bag chair. That bum. Good riddance! I hope you die out there! Oh...Mommy is sorry. She didn't mean it. She just says strange things when she has had too much to drink.

*Cough*...Back to the story...



It's a Wizard's duel!


Suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of great sword battle between two Wizards. I know they are Wizards cause I've seen the movie before. So there...Nah! There is lots of fast paced action that is pretty cool here. One of the things that does save this movie from being a total stink burger is the fight scenes are pretty good. We are also treated to some wirework here as Good Mr. Wizard (That's the good guy) climbs up a tree backwards to a limb, and Bad Mr. Wizard (That's the bad guy) jumps some 30 feet straight up to cut the limb out from under him. You also know that Bad Mr. Wizard is actually bad because throws dirt into his opponents eyes. That's bad form no matter where you are from.

It's at this point that Good Mr. Wizard decides that it's time to break out the voodoo. He uses a few quick hand motions so you know he is doing magic. Bad Mr. Wizard does the same. Now magic in this movie takes the for of the two guys gliding across the ground without actually walking. So magic is kind of like those little moving sidewalks at the airport. As their fingers touch there is an explosion of cheap fireworks (Wonder where they got those in China?) and both combatants are throw backwards. Good Mr. Wizard is first to his feet and quickly disarms Bad Mr. Wizard.



Evil Mr. Wizard begging for mercy!


So now that Bad Mr. Wizard is like totally boned he starts trying to save his own bacon. Seems they were fighting over a magic book that he wanted, but he doesn't want it anymore. Yeah, that's right. That's the ticket. He just wants mercy.



And dumb Mr. Wizard giving it to him.


And like a dope, Good Mr. Wizard gives it to him. He hopes that he'll change and be a good man and stop working for that evil guy that just also happens to be the same guy that killed Billy's father. What a Twist!

You know being the good guy really sucks sometime. He should have just lopped off his head right then and there, but noooooooooo that isn't the noble thing to do. Well kids keep watching and see what being noble gets you.

So as Good Mr. Wizard turns and walks away, thinking he has won and proven a point, the dolt, Bad Mr. Wizard gets a sinster look on his face and before you can say "Never turn you back on an evil wizard." He has jumped into the air, flips over Goody Two-Shoes and spits something in his eyes.



When blood gets in your eyes.


Now I don't know if he spit blood in his eyes or he spit something in his eyes that made them bleed. I'm actually leaning towards the latter, but in the end it doesn't matter. He is still as blind as Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, and Katie Holmes combined. And that gives Bad Mr. Wizard his chance. He pulls a sword from the ground and runs Good Mr. Wizard right through the gut. I told you you'd see what being noble got ya, and it's a straight sword to the belly.



LISTEN! Do you smell something?


Back on the road, our hero Billy is just minding his own business thinking of the many ways he is going to kill his father's murder, when he suddenly hears the death cries of Good Mr. Wizard. He must not be in a bad part of town. Because instead of turning right back around and leaving the way he came he actually walks towards the sound. Well when you get a blood spit in your eyes, don't come crying to me Billy Chong.



Mr. Wizard searches for the book.


Back at the murder scene, Bad Mr. Wizard begins searching the body for the book he seeks. You know with Good Mr. Wizard dead I think Bad Mr. Wizard will just be Mr. Wizard from now on out. Ok? No...well you don't get a say. He's Mr. Wizard now and he isn't Canadian. Deal.

So Mr. Wizard's search is in vain as the stiff doesn't seem to have the book on him. He gives the body one last glare of contempt before he hears Billy's approach. He quickly slinks away leaving dead body, sword and all the other damning evidence at the crime scene.



Nothing ruins a road trip faster then finding a stiff.


Billy enters stage left and finds the body of Good Mr. Wizard laying there. Now there are many things you should do if you find yourself in this situation. Call the Police or run away as fast as you can are two good ones, but what you don't want to do is what our pal Billy does. Billy decides to bury the guy. That's right. He takes the sword and starts to dig a shallow grave no less then five seconds after finding the body. I'm sure when CSI shows up that won't look bad at all. "Oh no officer I didn't kill him, I just buried him in a unmarked grave and didn't report it. I'm innocent I swear." Right Billy, Right.



The book of love..errr...Magic. Book of Magic.


So as he is digging the pommel of the sword comes off in his hand and reveals a secret compartment inside the hilt. From this he pulls a book, which turns out to be the very book of magic that Mr. Wizard was willing to kill for. Now if you were sent on a quest to kill a clearly very powerful man, by a ghost no less, and you found a book full of magic spells that might help you defeat him you'd keep it right? Well of course you would. You are smart boys and girls. You wouldn't put it back in the hilt and leave it in the middle of nowhere with a dead body would you? Only an idiot would do that. So guess what Billy does? That's right...He puts it right back. Seriously he deserves whatever he gets at this point.

After finishing his grim task, in the rain for dramatic effect, Billy continues on his way. Next we find ourselves in what looks to be one of those Eat and Sleeps that seem to be in all these movies. Restaurant on the bottom, rooms for rent on the top. They also seem to be in every Fantasy and Western too, but not in Sci-Fi. Nope! Future folk hate these.



Don't they know they are just going to be hungry
again in 20 minutes?


In the restaurant a couple enjoys something to eat. I'm sure it's rice and something. It's always rice and something. Anyway they are really going to town on this stuff and seem to be really enjoying each others company. They must not be married.



Chung Li and Mao give each other the "look".


Nearby the inn keepers...we will call them Chung Li and Mao since I never caught their actual names, are looking at the couple with a sinister gleam in their eyes. You know the way Dick Dastardly looked at all the other Wacky Racers. So you know they are up to no good.



"Of course we have a room! The Plot demands it."


Before we can get any insight into what they may have planned for you two young lovers, Billy makes his grand entrance and asks about a room. Of course they have a room for him. He has to be here so when the bad stuff goes down there can be fight. Duh!



Billy dreams of playing Kato.


We then quickly jump to night. That's one thing you need to learn about this town, the sun seems to come up and go down at lighting speed and any time during the day. One scene it's blackest night, the next brightest day...........NO EVIL SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHT! LET THOSE THAT WORSHIP EVIL'S MIGHT BEWARE MY POWER...GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!

Sorry...got lost there for a min. Where was I? Oh yeah it was night. So Billy is sleeping away in his room when the voice of his dead father invades his dreams and again demands revenge. Billy awakes with a start, but the voice is still in the room telling him to remember. Man for a dead guy, Billy's dad is sure pushy. I mean he just got there, have a little patience man! It's not like you are doing anything else. You are dead.



Billy awakes from his nightmare only to realize,
yes...he is really in this movie.


Lucky for Billy his father's rude visit has woke Billy up just in time to hear a scream of a woman from the other room, and he knows it's not the sock on the door knob kind. He quickly jumps to his feet and finds a masked man coming from the room knife in hand. They both jump down to the floor below where Billy is attacked by a woman. Now these two are clearly Chung Li and Mao. They are even wearing the same freaking outfits that they where earlier in the day and the only disguises they have donned are black handkerchiefs around the lower parts of their faces. I guess it was a lot easier to get away with Murder...uhhhhh...whenever this movie takes place.

A short Kung Fu fight breaks out where our Hero almost catches a knife with his face. Chung Li and Mao escape into the night as the other guest emerge from their rooms. They discover the bodies of the two lovers slain in their room and a tall man dressed all in white pushes through to see. We will call this bloke Mr. White as he will be showing up latter and again...I don't remember his name.




Chinese New Year already.


Ah now we are back to Mr. Wizard. We get real arty shot of his face reflected in a pool of water. He is reciting spells and burning incense and doing all kinds of Chinese magic stuff. Chung Li and Mao are there, as well as a whole horde of bad guys standing around another man sitting Indian style on a pedestal. This is Mr. Big, or that's what I'm calling him. I know this guys name but I'm just too lazy to type it out each time. So Mr. Big it is.



Deep Thoughts.


Mr. Wizard ends up doing all kinds of crazy stuff like burning paper and mixing it with water and spitting it all over Mr. Big, and painting on Mr. Big's face with what looks like blood. I'm sure some of this would make sense if I knew anything about Chinese mythology, but I don't so it's just four kinds of weird to me.



Two of hearts! Two hearts that beat as one!


After all this Mr. Wizard demands the hearts. A nice little bowl with two human hearts are put before him. I guess these where taken from the lovers back in the inn and are meant for some evil intent on Mr. Wizards part. He starts to say some spells over them and the hearts magically get boiled down to a think bright red bubbling liquid. Off camera of course. Can't show that, too expensive. What you think they are made of money here?



Mr. Wizard about to Snicker Snag on Mr. Big.


Mr. Wizard then lifts the bowl of heart juice and comes over to Mr. Big. He takes a big old swig of the stuff and then proceeds to snicker snag the stuff all over the guy. Chinese magic is pretty gross people. Don't know what this is suppose to do, but I hope it's worth being covered in blood, heart chunks, and some guys spit



All it takes is a Can o' Tan and some body glitter
to make Mr. Big happy.


After a few rounds of spitting Mr. Big finds himself covered in red body paint and what looks to be body glitter. I guess this is suppose to show that his skin is now magic or something. Ok so Mr. Wizard fills us in on the purpose of all this grossness. It is to make Mr. Big's body impervious to all weapons, and good news it'll only take one more ritual to make it happen. Mr. Big is pleased by this and promises to make Mr. Wizard a rich man. Mr. Wizard likes that, but he thinks that Mr. Big needs bed rest now. Cause after a long day of being covered in spittle and heart juice a good night's sleep is what you need most. Me? I’d rather have a shower, but it takes all kinds I guess.

After Mr. Big is carried away, Mr. Wizard calls over Chung Li and Mao and tells them that in three days he will need two more hearts. Chung Li complains it's hard to get them. Turns out they have to be male and female and taken during orgasm. Folks, I wish I was making this up, but that's what she just said. On top of all that they have to young and healthy too. So no old people sex will do. Maybe they should hang out a Make-Out point instead of their Inn. I'm sure they'd find what they are looking for there.




The Shadow knows!


From the shadows a mysterious masked figure appears on the roof. He has witnessed all that has taken place. As everyone is leaving he quickly tires to make his escape, but dislodges some roof tiles and attracts the attention of Mr. Wizard who then throw...a cymbal at him. Well it looks like a cymbal anyway. The Shadow, for that is what I am calling him, drops down off the roof just in time and the cymbal passes harmlessly overhead. As he drops to other side he quickly hides in the shadows as Mr. Wizard gives chase, but loses him in the night.



"I'm not dead yet."


And it's daytime again. The bodies of the two slain lovers are being removed from the Inn and placed on a cart to be taken away. Chung Li and Mao oversee this operation with Mr. White looking on as well. The old man removing the bodies then scalps them. Nosey Mr. White wants to know why he did that. He explains that it is the custom of the town to scalp the dead so that they cannot come back to life and haunt people. Bet Billy wished whoever did his dad in had scalped him. Would have saved him from having to make this trip, and missing the latest episode of The Hills.



Billy Chong needs no invitation.


We now find ourselves outside Mr.Big's compound, and wouldn't you know it Billy is there sizing the place up. Seems like Mr. Big is the one that killed off his old man and so his brilliant plan is to walk in the front door. I'm sure that'll work just fine. Course Mr. Big's guard have other plans and won't just let anyone come on in. So after a few kicks and punches from Billy they finally get down and ask him if he has an invitation. Turns out Billy does, or at least he says he does. When they ask to see it, Billy instead just starts kicking everyone within arm and leg reach. I'm starting to think he doesn't really have an invitation.



The sneer of Mr. Big.


The noise of his guards having their asses handed to them brings Mr. Big out of his house to find out what is going on. He asks Billy what his problem is and why he is looking for trouble. Billy accuses him of killing his father, to which Mr. Big replies that he could sue him for slander. It would be kind of funny if this suddenly turned in some of Kung Fu court drama. Twelve Angry Shaolins or something of the like

Anyway Billy says he has proof of everything he says. That his father's ghost came to him and told him everything, which I'm sure will stand up in court just fine, and his Dad wants him to get revenge. Now, Mr. Big he finds that real funny for some reason and start laughing his head off. Seeing the big boss laugh all his cronies start to do the same. Thing is it turns out Billy really doesn't like being laughed at and starts throwing a big old Kung Fu tantrum about it. He smacks the guy nearest him right in the gut. I think Billy might have some deep rooted issues here, but who cares we get to watch him beat people up. It's fun!

Mr. Big wants to know who his dad was. Billy rattles off some name that I couldn't spell if my life depended it on, then he throws a list of demands at Mr. Big on what he must do to make amends for his dad's death. It's a real reasonable list. All he's got to do is tell him where his dad is buried, then give all his money away, and then kill himself. I mean that's not a lot to ask of guy now is it? Course Mr. Big doesn't see it this way and orders his men to attack.



Mr. Wizard is looking to end this fight early.


So now we get another all out Kung Fu brawl. With Billy taking on all comers. I think he even threw a few snap kicks at a dog that was passing by outside just for the fun of it. So after beating up half of Mr. Big cronies single handed, Mr. Wizard decides it's time to step in. Soon Billy find himself on the defensive. He is shocked that a wizard can do Kung Fu. Seems Mr. Wizard is a man of many talents. One thing you might not know about him is that he can also crochet very well. He made Mr. Big a nice set of mittens last winter. It’s about this time that Mr. Wizard tries to take out Billy's little Billy with a wicked kick. I didn't even know Mr. Wizard was Jewish!



"What are you trying to do make me a eunuch?"
I didn't make that up, that is the actual line from the movie.





Mr. Wizard looks smug after almost taking off our
heroes twig and berries.


So even after almost losing his manhood, Billy still has some fight in him and continues his attack. Thing is Mr. Wizard is getting in all the hits, so our hero is really starting to take it one the nose. The Wiz is pretty much kicking his butt, and if this wasn't bad enough suddenly out of no where another guy jump kicks him right in the chest.



HE'S BACK! Uh…Who is he again?


We get a nice intro to our new bad guy with the detailed "You're Back." That's it. That's all they ever say about him. Just "You're Back." No name, no back-story, they don't even tell us where he is back from. I guess it's just enough that he is another thorn in Billy's side. Ok…so we got to call this duder something and since he is wearing Black he is now Mr. Black. There, problem solved.



Cheek bones to die for.


Mr. Black takes over now and he isn't as good as Mr. Wizard. He probably should have just let the guy handled this as he was doing just fine, but whatever. Guess we can't have Billy taken out too early in the game. Seeing the epic fail of Mr. Black all the bad guys that where standing around watching now come in and start attacking again and it turns into one huge melee again. That is until Mr. White just happens to come strolling by and sees how outnumbered Billy is and wants to help. So he tries to come into the fight and help out our overwhelmed Hero and how does Billy repay him?



Mr. White can't believe what a D-Bag Billy Chong is.


By punching him in the gut of course. Man Billy Chong is a real jerk. I know I am suppose to be rooting for this guy, but really I hope Mr. Wizard gets him and strings him up and turns him into a toad or something. Anyway, Mr. White isn't very happy with Billy and they have a little tussle in which Billy throws him into the on coming bad guys. Now if I was Mr. White I'd have left him there to get torn apart, but I guess he has a more forgiving soul then I so, as he grabs a wheel barrel and gets between Billy and his attackers allowing him to escape.



Mr. Big entertains his henchmen with his Fred Sanford
impression. "I'm coming Elizabeth." croaked the warlord.



Back in his compound Mr. Big is really steamed that Billy dared to attack him. He vows to kill him and yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill by now. You've seen enough bad guy rants in movies to know what he said pretty much. Mr. Black however, is worried he might work for the government. Maybe Big is behind on his taxes or something. He might be from the Kung Fu IRS! Mr. Wizard doesn't think so. His evidence? He reads the palms of those people. Good enough for me.



Billy thinks that sneaking in might work a little better then
marching in the front door again.


And it's night again. See what did I tell you about this town. Now Billy is sneaking around Mr. Big's place. I mean walking in the front door didn't work out too well, so let's try this. He quickly finds Mr. Big's window and slips inside catching the old man getting ready for bed.



Billy demands to know where his father is buried.
"Eat me!" responds Mr. Big.


There is a short fight ending with an overly showy couple of back flips by Billy as he lands on a table in a sitting position behind him. It actually just took me longer to explain it, then it did for him to actually do it. Ugh. Billy still wants to know where his Dad is buried. Mr. Big says he can ask him in hell and launches into an attack.

The sound of their fighting brings Mr. Wizard and the guards and they jump into the fray as well and Billy is right back where he started from again. Although this time I doubt Mr. White will be around to bail his butt out. So after taking out a few of Big's men, Mr. Wizard jumps into the fight again. He is looking to take Billy out once and for all this time and do it he is going to use MAGIC!



Mr. Wizard doing that Voodoo that he do so well.


Mr. Wizard starts spout off stuff about a black deity and the power of magic and all that kind of jazz that sounds good and makes you think he is going to do something really cool and oh trust me he does something really great.



Double...uh.. Sixerplex..Vision. Yeah.


He puts a prism in front of the lens. Yep that's the great magic. But I really shouldn't fault him here. I mean as lame as it looks, it actually works on Billy. He just stands there and lets him hit him, not once, but twice using the same attack. So if you ever get in a street fight with Billy Chong just bust out your Kaleidoscope. You are sure to win every time.



BLACK MAGIC!!!


Now after falling on his ass a second time Billy just figures out that it is Black Magic. I know this cause he says it out loud. He knows he can't match that and runs off a like a big old puss. I swear a saw a great yellow strip appear on his back as he was running away trailing a perfect line of urine behind him.

So will Billy be able to beat the Wizard? Will he get his revenge? Will he get the girl? Will where Mr. Black was ever be explained?

Uh....Yes, Yes, no, and no. Now after that you might think there isn't much reason to come back and read part 2, but trust me there is one very big reason to come back for Part 2 and his name is DRACULA!!!!!!!

So see you next time on the frontline.