Ok, see there is this guy Billy Chong and his Dad came back from the dead and wants him to get revenge on his murder. Billy heads off to another town to do so and comes on the dead body of a Wizard, who was killed by another Wizard. Billy buries the body and finds the Wizard's Book of Magic in the hilt of his sword but leaves it there with the body cause he is an idiot. He then makes his way to a inn, where his Dad's ghost wakes him up in time to hear a murder taking place in the next room and he fights the murders who are clearly the Inn Keepers. They are working for the bad Wizard that killed the good Wizard, and he in turn works for the guy that killed Billy's Dad. The bad Wizard uses the heart's of the couple that the Inn Keepers killed to spit blood over the guy that killed Billy's Dad, because he is afraid of getting shanked. Billy then confronts his father's murder only to get attacked and a guy with weird cheekbones has to bail him out. Not learning his lesson Billy sneaks back into his Father's Murder's house and tries to kill him again, but in the end is beaten up by the Wizard who uses magic and he runs away like a little school girl with a skinned knee.
Whew...ok now that that is out of the way we can begin.
So after having his butt pretty much handed to him Billy is walking the streets of the town feeling sorry for himself, but before he can dwell on this too long he spots two drunk old men wandering the streets as well, but they are wandering with a purpose. One claims he can show the other where to get free food and wine, so of course he follows. I guess the offer seems tempting to our Hero as well, as he falls in line and follows them just out of sight. The two men slip into a building and Billy sneaks up and looks through the door at them.
Drinking with the dead.
Turns out the free food and wine where from the offerings to the dead in the temple. So in a way our two drunk fellows are grave robbers. I'm sure they'll get plastered and then Barney will come by in the morning and lock them up in their regular cell and they'll sleep it off. And after a stern lecture from Andy and some of Aunt Bea's pie they'll wander back out into the public to repeat the whole process again tomorrow night. Course, something feels different tonight, could it be cause we are among dead bodies and this movie is called Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave? Hmmmmm? Let's watch and see.
So after watching our two intoxicated friends loot the offerings left by loving families for a few minutes, Billy slumps down on the doorstep to sleep. Why he can't go back to the Inn I don't know. Maybe he's just not as dumb as everyone else in the town and he has put two and two together and figured out the Inn Keepers are the murders. Course this is Billy we are talking about, so more likely he was so arrogant that he thought he'd come in and kill his Dad's murder in one day and be on his way home by now, and thus only brought enough coin for one night's stay.
Back inside the Dead seem to be getting fed up with their drunk visitors and begin to rise from the grave. Of course in typical fashion our comic relief players here are too drunk to notice the zombies rising all around them. Nope, they have to wait for the right moment to take note of that. It's called comic timing people, and these guys are professionals. Course when they do notice it, it quickly becomes the Chinese version of Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. The two drunks going running from the building screaming right past Billy and into the night.
Now the Dead have followed those that disturbed their slumber, but they had no chance to catch them as they are all doing the bunny hop. You heard that right. Every ghost is bounding around like the Easter Bunny in April. You know I think this might be a zombie type that needs to be explored further. I mean slow zombies where scary, and fast zombies just made it that much worse. But bunny hopping zombies, well you just might poop'em if you saw that coming at you.
By the time the ghosts...zombies...undead...whatever they are get to the doorstep the two drunks are long gone leaving Road Runners like trails of dust in their wake. So of course they turn and who do you think they find catching forty winks on their front door? Why Billy of course. Now the Dead, they aren’t rude, so they gently nudge Billy awake. When Billy does finally get up he is met with the horror of being surrounded by the decomposed faces of the walking dead. So for the second time that night, Billy soils himself.
Now just when he thinks he is total Scooby Doo like goner, a strange looking old hunchback appears and begins to yell at the ghosts to get back. He threatens to punish them if they disobey him and then starts do some strange chants and hand gestures. I guess this fellow is a Wizard too. No shortage of them in this town. They must have put a DeVry Wizard’s School in the mall. The Ghosts quickly return to their coffins in fear of Quasimodo's spells. He then locks them inside the temple. Now you would think that Billy would thank the man for saving his hide from a fate worse then death, but nope he doesn't do it. Instead he starts to think out loud about the power of magic. We get a nice flash back here of just about every scene in the movie up to this point that has to do with magic. Wait, wasn't there a book of magic someplace? Oh yeah with that dead guy a buried!
And I ran...I ran so far away.
So off Billy goes into the woods back to place where he buried Good Mr. Wizard yesterday. He finds him by literally tripping over the feet sticking out of the ground. Luckily he didn't bury him too deep and it doesn't look like the dogs go to him yet. So he begins digging up the grave with his bare hands till he comes to the sword and then out comes the book which he should have just kept in the first place and avoided this whole mess.
See, this is what playing D&D leads too.
Wake the dead!
In their coffins the dead, the same dead that bunny hopped their way into Billy's nightmares, can hear the use of the magic and they want to know what is up with that. So, and I'm not kidding here, one of the dead sticks what looks to be a antenna made of bamboo out of his coffin. You know to get better signal. I just don't even know what to say here, but I guess it works cause they find out it's a boy and that he wants to use assassins to help him defeat Mr. Big and Mr. Wizard. So the get up out of their coffins, wipe the sleep from their eyes. Grab a cup of coffee on the way out the door and go see what Billy wants.
Did I do that?
Billy's undead posse.
Hee Hee...ASStral projection.
A See thru Billy and Company move through the courtyard undetected by the dumbfounded guards standing around. Just something I want to say here, but this effect is the worst in a movie full of bad effects. The camera is moving faster then the people are filmed walking. So you get a strange detached look to this. It's hard to explain, but trust me it looks cheap. Not only that but the projected image goes in front of the guards and the poles. As this group is suppose to walking right up the middle between all these thing it only makes it more clear that they kinda just phoned this one in. Probably would have been more effective to just have them actually walk through the scene and make everyone pretend they couldn't see them. Would have saved them money too.
Billy also takes advantage of his new found invisible powers to take a couple cheap hits on Mr. Black who is just strolling along minding his own business. He gives him a quick punch to the gut before moving behind him. Course Mr. Black thinks one of the other cronies did it and give the guy next to a wicked back hand. But Billy isn't done. Oh no, not by a long shot. He then karate chops him across the back of the neck, and again Mr. Black decks the guy closest too him the poor sap screaming "Not Me...Not Me!" the whole time.
The Dead with Billy in tow then move into what I guess is Mr. Big's throne room or something. All I know is there is a big chair in the middle of this room which Billy plops down in. The Dead help themselves to the offerings scattered all over the room and generally make themselves at home.
Mr. Wizard knows something is afoot.
Mr. Wizard suddenly come running. He must have used his Wizard-Sense to detect the arrival of Billy. He can also see Billy and his Ghosts. He really is magic! He pops into the room and starts to give the ghosts a stern lecture. Even calls them silly. Then he orders them out of the house.
It's a deadman's party. Who could ask for more?
The Ghosts quickly recover and make a second attack. Now Mr. Wizard beats a hasty retreat to put some distance between him and the ghostly souls out for his blood. A few super human bounds and he is sure footing his way across the roof and drops down into the court yard. Billy and his ghosts are right on his heels though and the dead coming flying at him from all directions and quickly surround him. Again the magic cloak saves the day as he spins it around and around blasting each ghost as they get near it. He then lets it loose and like Captain America's shield it flies through the air knocking ghost aside before returning to it's owner.
No comment. Just love this picture.
It's about this time that Mr. Wizard thinks it's time to bring this battle up a notch. After saying a few spells, and giving us that silly look above he begins to shoot fire all over the Dead. That's right Mr. Wizard can shoot fire. This guy should have been the hero of this movie, he is worth like ten Billy's. I wonder if Mr. Wizard has a fan club? If he doesn't he should, that's all I'm saying.
The Dead re-launch their attack on Mr. Wizard, who is now sitting on the ground trying to perform some spell. We get more of the same type of magic here as a stage hand pulls Mr. Wizard on a cart making it look like he is floating backwards to get away from his attackers. It seems, however, that Mr. Wizard wasn't using all his magic to make him look corny. He has summoned two...Ok I don't know what they are. Demons, maybe? All I know is one is all white, and one is all black. So they are Yin and Yang now, who have tongues that would put Gene Simmons to shame. So he summons Yin and Yang to fight on his behalf against the Ghosts. .
Fireworks inside the house are a big no-no.
It don't matter if you are black or white.
And Billy takes two Roman Candles to the gut.
Yin is forced to listen to the latest Cher album.
Mr. Wizard is as confused as I am.
But instead of going off in a great flash and throwing Billy backwards. When Yin and Yang’s magic wands touch Billy in the stomach they explode in the guys hands and they reel back in pain. Everyone is real confused by this turn of events, even Mr. Wizard as you can see above. I don't think this is what he had planned at all. So what could have caused these events? Is Billy the chosen one? Is he so pure that the magic didn't work on him? Did Yin and Yang's magic wands just get stored in the attic for a couple of years and then they found them while getting the Christmas lights out and decided to see if they still worked?
Heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.
I HAVE THE POWER!!!!
None of the above. Turns out that the wands hit Billy right where he was storing the Book of Magic. I guess even touching the book is bad news for guys like Yin and Yang. And to think he was going to leave this with a dead body.
Negative scratches really smart!
I hear Dianetics has the same effect on sane people.
Now young Skywalker...you will die.
So when he pulls the book out from under his shirt, powerful rays of light (negative scratches) streak out and attack Yin and Yang knocking the backwards. As for me this was about the time I started to think that someone slipped some drugs into my drink. Problem was I was alone, so I hope I wasn't trying to get myself in bed. But watching this I just couldn't help but think I must be in altered state of mind. There is no way I am actually seeing this on film. It must come from some twisted side of my brain that I had repressed after seeing a naked clown at the circus die after his uncle touched him inappropriately. Yep...that's got to be what this was. Problem is that the more I tried to convince myself of this, the more I knew it wasn't true. This was happening. Well...guess I'll just have to suck it up and wade my way through it.
Yin and and Yang had an accident.
Dollar, Dollar Bill Y'all.
Mr. Wizard produces from his cloak a handful of cash and asks for Count Dracula to come to his aid and throws the money into the air where it burst into flames. Wait, did he just say Count Dracula? Oh man...ok, this is going to worth having to suffer through all of this other stuff I just know it. It's the Drac man! Course I can't help but think our main Vampire here has fallen on hard times. He is working for cash for a Wizard? I mean I know the recession is bad, but come on man. Have some self respect. Whatever Dracula's reasons for doing it we hear the demonic voice of the vampire saying he is coming!
It's a bird. It's a plane. It's...Dracula?
Hi! I'm Dracula and I don't belong in this flick.
Dracula: The Lite Bright.
Laser Floyd: Now showing on Dracula's chest.
And bad news, the warranty just expired.
Crosses will stop ya right in your tracks dontcha' know.
Looks like Billy's Ghosts have seen a few Vampire movies
when they were alive.
It's about this time that Billy remembers all those old Vampire movies he saw as a kid and commands his Ghosts to make a cross. The dead do as they are told and make a cross out of convenient placed wood laying around. The cross does the trick and stops Big D right in his tracks. They are even able to drive him back a bit, but in the end none can defeat Dracula. He makes a lung for the wooden cross and rips it from their hands.
DRACULA HATE CROSS!
Mr. Wizard, smug as ever.
He quickly breaks the cross on his knee. Now he is POed and starts chasing the ghost all over the court yard. Billy starts to ponder what to do then disappears as Mr. Wizard looks on approvingly. Dracula continues his assault slicing through the dead like a warm knife through butter. They go flying side to side as he tears them apart, and really it looks like he is having a real good time in doing so. That is till Billy gets back.
Billy must have seen those movies too.
Drac left an air biscuit.
You never know where Dracula will show up.
Thiller! Thiller night!
Billy has victory. He has defeated Yin and Yang, and even Dracula himself. All he has to do is order his Ghosts to destroy Mr. Wizard and his path to revenge is clear and his father can rest in peace. He rallies his troops and then orders the attack. They advance at their target. His defeat is assured as they move in for the kill. They creep closer and closer and then...
The dead have to leave. Gilmore Girls is on.
...Turn tail and run. I have not idea why they did this. They do say something as they are flee like fraidy cats, but I can't make it out. I just hope they don't expect to still get Billy's son after this performance. Billy actually did most of the work himself and considering Dracula showed up, that's saying a lot. So now Mr. Wizard smiles and Billy turns and realizes he is totally boned as the courtyard fills up with cronies ready to tear him limb from limb...
Will Billy get out of this? Will Mr. Wizard ever not be awesome? Will Dracula ever get a steady paying job and stop having to do freelance? This answers and more on the next episode of SOAP...I mean B-MOVIE BLITZKRIEG!
Till next time see you on the frontline.