May 2, 2009

ZORRO (1975)

Well we are going to have a bit of change of format from here on out. Both because writing 5k plus words per post is hard for me to do given my time to work on this, and also hard for you to read quickly. With all this in mind this review of the 1975 film Zorro will be much shorter. But wait...weren't there going to be two more parts to Kung Fu from Beyond te Grave? Yes there were, and still will be. It's just I feel I owe it to you people to finish it the way I started it and so it will show up again so be on the look out for that. In the meantime here is the review for ZORRO!

No Antonio in this one folks.

I swear! By the moon and stars up above...

The League of Ugly Gentlemen!

You know it seem that the only countries that give us more bad movies then Japan, and ourselves of course, is Italy. Not to say some good movies haven't come from the boot, but if I stumble on a baddly dubbed movie it's usually from the land of the Rising Sun or the homeland of Mario and Luigi. This one is from the latter. Oddly enough it stars the famous French actor Alain Delon in the title role.

Now why did this movie end up here at the B-Movie Blitzkrieg you may ask. I mean on the surface it looks like it might actually be a good movie. And really it's not as bad as a lot of movies I've seen, and I've seen some stinkers. What earns this movie it's spot here is the sheer silliness of the flick. Any attempt to take this movie half way serious is constantly under minded by the movie it's self.

I mean, don't get me wrong this movie is fun, but it's fun in that kinda "Oh yeah right! Come on!" kinda way. Of Course we don't start out very good as we are treated to Zorro's theme song in the opening credits. And I tell you what folks it's not a grand sweeping Mexican tune that screams of swashbuckling action. In fact it's more like "Afternoon Delight" with lyrics about Zorro. You know maybe it's better if I just show you.

Now try to get that out of your head for the rest of the day.

This wouldn't be so bad, but they play it EVERY time Zorro shows up, and you can imagine how often that is in a movie called Zorro. I actually went through the movie, and counting the beginning and end credits, this song is played no less then eight times in this ninety minute movie. Add to that, that it is bore into your brain catchy, it's needless to say I was walking around singing "La La La La Zorro's back." to myself for about three days after I watched this movie.

Now thatsa a sam-itch!

Ok...Black in Mexican
Summer=Bad idea.

Ok putting that aside for now, if you can, let's get down to the basic story here. We open on Diego de la Vega riding through the desert. He has just returned from Spain and is going to meet his good friend Miguel Vega de la Serna (yes I did have to watch the credits to get the spelling of that what?) who is all set to become the new Governor of Nuova Aragon. But when Diego arrives he finds a band of thugs, including a guy with a full out Fu Manchu, that look to be up no good hanging out around the place. We suddenly jump into a fight with no real explanation on who these guys are, how they got it, or what they want. Soon we find out though that they came to kill Miquel, and before Diego can stop them they do just that. With his dying words Miguel makes Diego swear to take his place as the Governor, but makes him promise not kill to avenge him. Diego swears and takes his ring.

Hey look! You're fat!

Liquid Courage.

Ok...this one is going to hurt.

Several months pass and Colonel Huerta, the man who sent the assassins to kill Miguel finally thinks the time is right to seize power and rule Nuova Aragon himself. He goes before the Council and asks them to make him the new Governor, but before he can seal the deal Diego arrives posing as Miguel, and man has he ever Nancy Boyed up. Anyway, Diego takes over as Governor and the Col. is left speechless.

Oh no! He's doing it Zorro style!

Yeah. The Z-man is hitting that.

I think the Col. gets the point...get it?

Zorro's back? More like the Mack is back.

That woman must eat a lot of carrots.

Later Diego and his mute man servant Joaquin, walk in on the Col. during his fencing practice, using sharpened blades. The Col. shows his skill by taking on four men at once (No snickering in the back there. Yeah I'm talking to you) and defeats them all. Diego tells the Col. that he is fearful for his life and needs a Bodyguard. The Col. appoints Sergeant Garcia( a typical funny fat guy type. He eats a lot, he falls down a lot. He might even fart once or twice.) for the job. In the great tradition of people like Cher, Madonna, and Seal, the actor playing Garica just goes by the name Mustache. That's right...Mustache.

After returning from speaking with Col.Huerta Diego retires to his room where Miguel's Uncle's dog Assassin show him a secret door (yeah you read that right...and it's even more absurd on screen.) behind the bookcase.

I'm going to guess this is where all the Zorro stuff comes from and Miquel's uncle was in fact Zorro at one time, since we don't actually get to see where it goes and when next we see Diego he is dressed out in full on Zorro gear.

Next went find ourselves at the outdoor trial of one Brother Francisco, who is accused of selling bad furs to a local Buisness man, but Brother Francisco says that the furs where good. Of course the courpt court believes the buisness man and sentences Francisco to 20 lashes. The guards chain him up to carry out the sentence, but after just two lashes Diego shows up as ZORRO! He quickly disarms all the troops and set Francisco free. Then has the Judge and the Buisness man chained up and whipped to teach them a lesson.

Alan Thicke on the Piano.

Drive-by Go-Go Dancing just never caught on.

There is a short sequence where Diego as the Gov omments on a picture of a beatiful woman. It turns out that this is Hortensia Pulido,(who is suppose to be his cousin. EWWWWWWW!) family while still noble, is disgraced. We then cut to Hortensia preaching to a crowd of people that have brought their livestock to be weighed about how they are being cheated. Garica tells her to stop making trouble as they have enough of that with Zorro on the loose. Then, speak of the devil, Zorro shows up. A rather funny fight follows with lots of solider tripping and falling and get things poked into their butt after which Zorro escapes again into the country side.

After stirring up trouble Hortensia returns home only to find that Zorro has stalked...I mean followed her there. Hortensia tells Zorro he must flee as she is afraid he waill be captured, and sure enough the Col's troops arrive just at that moment and Zorro slips away.

What gate key?...Oh you mean this gate key.

That's going to cost him at least a dozen hail Marys.

Oh look. Garica's butt...AGAIN!

The Col then propses marriage,(to Hortensia, not Zorro) when Hortensia refuses he tries to force himself on her. Of course Zorro didn't leave and he disarms the Col and makes him beg for Hortensia's forgiveness on his knees. Hortensia and Zorro almost kiss, but Zorro is distracted by the Col riding away. He then leaves himself.

Zorros of the Corn.

Evel Knievel's first attempt to jump the Grand Canyon.

Hitching up with Zs woman? Not cool man.


Only a master I really have to do a Star Wars joke?

Back at the Gov Mansion the Col has come up with a plan to lure Zorro out and capture him. He will arrest Hortensia, and when Zorro comes to rescue her he will spring a trap for him. He only tells Diego disguised as the Gov. Of his plan. Hortensia is then lead from her home to the jail in a horse drawn cage, with the Col's Troops stationed all along the way, but of course Zorro doesn’t take the bait. Instead he is waiting in her Jail Cell and the two quickly escape after another goofy fight that involes Zorro riding down a ramp in a giant Barrel to escape.

Realizing that the only other person that knows of the plot is the Gov, the Col suspects that he is in fact Zorro and races back to the Gov’s Manison to try to catch him in the act, but Diego beats him back viva his secert underground Zorro entrance to the Mansion.

But seeing Diego in bed still doesn’t convince the Col that he isn’t Zorro. Diego offers himself as bait for Zorro in order to prove that he isn’t. The Col still doesn’t believe him, but agrees.

Diego and Garica go fishing in order to draw Zorro out, while the Col and his troops wait in the brush from him to show himself. They don't have to wait long as Zorro on horseback appears and the troops give chance and leave Garica to guard the Gov. As they give chance Zorro arrives at Francisco's church where he reveals that he is in fact Joaquin, Diego's man-servant in disguise. Francisco hides him as the troops arrive.

Zorro had to do chores for old man Johnson all summer to pay for that window.

How about a little fire Scarecrow!

Meanwhile back at the creek Diego says he is tired and slips into his carriage for a nap, but he really changes into his Zorro outfit. He then quickly kidnaps himself, and forces Garica to drive the carriage. After freeing Francisco, who has been captured again for helping Zorro escape, Zorro takes over the regins of the carriage himself after kicking Garica to the curb. He then leads the Col's troops on a chase until he drives off the edge of a cliff and into the river below. Thinking both Zorro and the Gov dead, the Col returns to Nuova Aragon to claim the Governship and wed Hortensia.

At the wedding and angry mod led by Brother Francisco interupts the cermony, but just as the Col is about to have them all arrested Zorro appears on top of the church. Seeing Zorro the mob becomes uncontainable and breaks through the troops. The Col quickly pulls his pistol and guns down Francisco who is leading the mob, before Zorro can stop him.

That's right...I AM the sissy Governor.

Kiss me!

HI-HO SILVER...oh sorry. Wrong flick.

Zorro then says that the death of Francisco lifts him of the oath to not kill that he made and the final duel begins. The fight ranges all over the place, but finally ends up on the roof of the church. As the Col comments how one of them must die, Zorro pulls off his mask to reveal himself. The two then lunge at each other, but only Zorro's blade strikes true killing the Gov. Zorro then rides away into the sunset and the credits roll.

In the end this actually was a pretty good B-Movie. One of the best I'll proably be reviewing her at the Blitzkrieg. It's a fun little movie even if it does jump around a bit. But speaking of that jumping around, apparetnly there is a long 120 min version of this movie, and this 90 min version had a lot of unnesscary stuff cut (Ie: the Plot) for some reason. There are proably a lot of explaintions lost in that film on the cutting room floor.

This one gets a 2 out 5 on the Cheese-O-Meter. It's not that bad of a movie actually, and it'd be a good movie to just pop some popcorn and veg in front of. It's got enough little absurd things in it to make a Bad Movie Buff laugh, but under it all it's decent.

Anyway, come back next time as we review the 1967 Godzilla rip-off "Monster from a Prehistoric Planet." Until then...See you next time on the front line.

April 19, 2009

Blitzkrieg Intermissions: What does 50 cents get you from the Catholics?

The short answer? Four books and a Ceramic Jack-O-Lantern. Course we don't deal in short answers here at the Blitzkrieg, besides the story is in the details anyway. But the question you are probably asking yourself is "But Matt (Your guide to all things Cheese and Celluloid.) how did you get 4 books and a ceramic Jack-O-Lantern from the Catholics for 50 cents?" No, the answer isn't the plot to the next Dan Brown novel. The answer is GARAGE SALE!

Although it was actually more of a basement sale as a Garage wasn't involved at all. So I saunter into this place looking for that unfound treasure that'll make me a quick buck on eBay cause I'm so poor that even dirt makes fun of me. Didn't find anything like that, but I also didn't come home empty handed either. So let's look at what's in the goody bag.

There are always two things I really look through when I go to like Flea Markets or Garage Sales. The first is the DVDs. You never know when you are going to find that next cheesy movie that'll end up on this blog one day.The next thing I look for is books. So when I saw a table full of them, I headed that way. The first book I pulled from the grips of endless romance, western, and books on Catholicism, was "Chariots of the Gods".

This is kinda an odd book to find at a church sponsored garage sale actually. For those that do not know what this book is about, it's basically a guy named Erich Von Danikien putting forward his theory that Aliens where actually all the Gods of the old world. You know when people say that Aliens built the pyramids? That's where this all started. This was a pretty famous book and was huge in the 70s. Mr. Von Daniken pretty much made a career out this theory as almost all his books after this deal with this exact same subject.

As for me, I'd never read it and heard about it and the books where 25 cents I thought what the hell.

The next book that came out was called "Crash Go the Chariots". Now this book looked like Chariots of the gods, right down to the style of the cover, but it isn't written by the same man or published by the same company. At first I assumed this was a rip off book published to make a quick buck off of Chariots, and in a way it was, but it wasn't a rip off. Instead this seems to be a rebuttal of kinds to the theory's presented by Von Daniken. Don't you wish you could get in fights with someone and get paid to do it? It'd be nice. Anyway, this books was only half as thick as Chariots and I'd never heard of it, but in the interest of being unbiased I decided to pick up as well and see what this fellow had to say.

Our next book is "Impossible: Yet it Happened!" by R. DeWitt Miller. This is a pretty run of the mill Unexplained book. Not really much of note here, well none that I can tell ya till I read it. The book does cover a wide array of subjects. The chapter listings cover Phantom Armies, Sea Serpents, Damned Ships, Ghosts, Haunted Houses, Poltergeists and more. Anyway it was a quarter so I got it.

The last book I picked up was called "Limbo of the Lost". This was another book that rode the wave of interest in the unexplained that popped up in the 70s in the era of IN SEARCH OF... This one just happens to be on the Bermuda Triangle. Again this one looks to be pretty standard and not much of note about this one other then the subject matter. Which is why I bought it.

Last, but not least, is probably my favorite find of the day. This little guy caught my eye from across the room and I made a B-Line to him. Lost among a table full of Christmas stuff he looked so lonely and in need of a good home and no better home for a Halloween decoration then with me. I loves the Halloween like most people love Christmas. If I ever get a big house I plan to devote a whole room just to Halloween stuff. The 5 cent price tag on this guy and the fact that even at that price no one wanted him, just made a stronger case for bringing this guy home with me.

After making my selections, which add up to $1.05 for those that have been counting I went to the check out only to find out that everything was half off. WOOT! But where does that leave little Jack with this 5 cent price tag? I cant very well give them 2 1/2 cents for him. When I pointed this out to the lady, she basically didn't want to mess with it (Or wanted that symbol of the Devil's holiday outta her hair.) and gave it to me for free. So in the end I only had to be pay out the 50 cents for the books. A pretty good haul for the money if I do say so myself.

April 13, 2009

So what about those Posts/Vote on the Next Flick Update.

So you remember when I promised to get that next installment out by Sat. And you know how it is now Mon and it's still not there? Yeah...blame Facebook and the never-ending movie quiz. I do think I got that out of my system and should get back to work on the blog tonight. Course I've said that before.

Also in related news, it looks like Monster from a Prehistoric Planet has won the vote and will be following Zorro as the next film reviewed. This 1960s Monster movie was called Kappa in it's original Japan and is basically a rip off of Godzilla. I must warn you there is no Prehistoric Planet in the movie. Go figure.

I just can't believe Karate Cop didn't get any votes. The movie is so out there and so bad that I know it's going to show up again.

April 3, 2009

No Blitz this week.

Sad to say but due to the very serious illness Lazinessathesis, this weeks Blitzkrieg entry won't be up tomorrow as planned. Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave part 3 should be up next week and I might push myself extra hard and get it up Wednesday and Part 4 up Friday. As a sorry to all you fans I present a really cool cover from a Pulp Magazine. ENJOY!

March 28, 2009

Blitzkrieg Intermission: The 5 Toys I never got for Christmas.

Every once in awhile I need to take a break from just B-Movies. As much as I love them man cannot live on cheese alone. That's what Blitzkrieg Intermissions are all about. A chance for me to talk about whatever I want, but without having to change the title of this place. Now don't go worrying I'm not going to stop reviewing bad movies. Those are my bread and butter around this place. So all two of you that read this can rest at ease. But enough of that noise, let's get down to the nitty gritty here.

When I was a kid, I was an only child. And thus, I was spoiled. And I was spoiled at probably the best time for a kid to spoiled at. The 80s. Now there are children of the 70s that'll disagree, but the fact remains that they would be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, absolutely brimming over with wrongablity. Now that I have settled that with rock solid proof, let's move on.

Now even as a spoiled brat there were still toys that eluded my greedy little grasps as a toy hungry youth in Regan's America. Of course when we look back, we always remember the things we didn’t have more then the things we did. So keeping that in mind I present the top 5 things I always wanted for Christmas, but never got.

5. Boulder Hill.

Ok, if you don't know what MASK is let me break it down for you. MASK was a toy line of everyday cars and trucks that kind of "transformed" into other things like fighter jets and tanks. Each vehicle came with a little action figure that drove it and that action figure came with a Mask that gave the person special powers. It was basically Kenner trying to cash in on Transformers and G.I. Joe at the same time, and it was awesome.

I had a lot of MASK stuff, including all of the first "wave" of vehicles. All, that is, except Boulder Hill. I don't know how much this thing cost back in the day. How much things cost wasn't of much concern to a six year old. The more pressing concern for me was how big a fit would I have to throw to get it. But, no amount of fit throwing could get me Boulder Hill. No this was a job for the mightiest of all supreme beings.....Santa.

I don't know what Christmas this was...86 more then likely. But the big day came and went and no Boulder Hill. I kept getting MASK stuff for awhile, but had dropped the line before that Split Seconds stuff came out. Didn't much care for it. I never remember seeing a Boulder Hill at a garage sale or anything after that. And even in the late 90s when I flirted with collecting MASK, I was still never able to locate one. To this day this is an item that as eluded me and that just makes me want it all the more.

4. Optimus Prime.

If you don't know what the Transformers are....then you must be living under a rock. Everyone knows the Transformers, but what the little kid running around with an Optimus Prime voice changing mask over his head doesn't know is that he owes me. Me and every other boy between the ages of 5-12 in the 80s that made this toy line huge. That's right you owe me...BIG TIME!

Now being born in 1980, I was only 4 when the Transformers hit the market. So I didn't have a lot the earlier guys. I think a had a Hound, Grimlock, Snarl, and Seaspray and Warpath from the premovie days, and that was it. I had a ton of Transformers after that, even had one or two Action Masters laying around. But I never had the original Optimus Prime.

I think maybe the reason I didn't get this one is because I most likely asked for it around like 86-87. This was a time when the original Prime was no longer sold as he was killed off in the movie by Megatron and Rodimus Prime was being shoved down our collective throats, but before Powermaster Prime showed up. I did end up with an Ultra Magnus, which was like a white prime, but never got I the original.

Since then I've had a couple of Primes. I found one in a Flea Market and scooped him up, but he was missing a lot stuff including the fists, which anyone that has owned a Prime knows those never made it through a childhood. Later I ended up with a G2 Prime as well, but the magic just wasn't there. Hasbro has recently offered a reissue of this guy, but at a 60 dollar price tag and smoke stacks cut short to meet American safety regulations, it just isn't the same.

3. The Terrordrome

To say I had a lot of Joes, would be a an understatement. I had a massive amount of Joes. I think the fact that they only ran a couple of bucks at Wal-Mart was the reason for this. It was a nice cheap toy that would keep me happy and content for the rest of the day. Now this huge bulk of actual Joe figures didn't translate into a huge bulk of vehicles and play sets to go along with them. I'm guessing the jump in price was enough that they put themselves out of "Here shut up." range. They might also have been cheap enough to put them out of acceptable Christmas present range. Although I think I would have taken a crap load of Joe vehicles over a few larger gift...or even over cloths. That's a thought.

The Terrordrome however was well within Christmas present range. I remember the first time I saw a drome in person. It was at a K-Mart and they had a lot of the toys on display, and this was time before they had to put them in Plexiglas boxes so people wouldn't steal them. So I got to look it over real good and actually play with it a little. After about 5 minutes of that I had made up my mind I had to have one these, and so on the Christmas list it went...and then I didn't get it. You know thinking back, this might have also been 86, same year as Boulder Hill. You'd think I would have got one or the other. In fact seeing Boulder Hill next to the Terrordrome should have meant I was a shoe in for Boulder Hill. I mean it was big and expensive, but it wasn't no Terrordrome. This is another toy that has eluded me to this day. I'd love to have one, if for nothing else just to get to play around with again.

2. Point Dread and the Talon Fighter.

Of all the toy lines that came out of the 80s, Masters of the Universe was probably my favorite then and now. I still have all the figures I had as a kid (something that cannot be said for Transformers of G.I.Joe. The show was a daily watch for me, sometimes more then once as it showed on at least two different channels in the afternoon here. I loved MOTU. So of course this toy line was a mainstay of Christmas mornings at my house. In fact one of my most cherished Christmas Memories was pulling a Man-At-Arms out of my stocking on Christmas morning. Other Christmas presents from this line included Castle Grayskull and Snake Mountain

It wasn't until after I had acquired what I consider to be the best play set for the 80s, Castle Grayskull, that Point Dread and the Talon Fighter started to creep into my mind. In fact I think the major selling point was the fact that it connected to the Castle it's self. It also held two figures. If you know anything about vintage MOTU you know that hardly any vehicles held more then one figure at a time. So even though the windraider showed up a lot more in the toon, the Talon Fighter was the one I wanted.

But of course like all the other toys on the list, I never got this toy. This one does seem to sting a little. Since out of the 5 toys on this list I got 2 of them latter in life, and other two while cool to have, fell into the "oh well." category, but not Point Dread and the Talon Fighter. This is still a toy I look for when I go into a flea market, or hit up a garage sale. And even though it didn't take the number one spot, mainly cause of the Holy Grail like status of number 1 in my childlike mind, it is probably the one that stuck with me as the most bitter sweet of not getting it.

1. The MillenniumFalcon

This one shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that was a kid during the late 70s, early 80s. This was THE toy from THE toy line. Now I didn't have a lot of SW figures when I was a kid, a fact I made up for in my adult life by having them in spades. I was on the tale end of the craze as I wasn't born when the original SW came out, and too young for The Empire Strikes back. Return of the Jedi was my first Star Wars film I saw on the big screen (well I only saw about 1/8 of it as I hide behind my seat for all of the Jabba/Rancor stuff) and thus my first toy line was the Return of the Jedi Line as well. The figures I remember having where guys like Wicket and Princess Leia in Endor Gear as well as the ESB hold overs Removable Limb C-3PO and Sensorscope R2-D2. An Imperial Shuttle Pod made it's way into my home as well. But the Falcon didn't appear on my radar as an actual want till one fateful day.

We were out of town, I don't know where as my mom dragged me to hundred different places to visit a hundred different dying relatives in my youth. So I have no clue what city I was in. What I do remember was we were eating at a Wendy's. Which was crazy for me at the time we didn't have one in my hometown. The grown folk where talking so of course I was bored. My eyes wandered out the window and into the parking lot of the shopping center that lay behind the fast food joint. And that was when I saw it. Some lucky kid just a few years older then I was escorting his dad to his car with great care, and that care was not for his fathers well being. Oh was for what he had in his hand. You guessed it the Millennium Flacon.

Now as a kid this box looked HUGE to me. I mean massive, like I was sure they were going to get it in the car big. It looked literally larger the life. You can imagine much later in life when I came across actual boxed examples how shocked I was at the size. Still big, but not like the huge mass of box I remembered. I really think I didn't get this one just because of how little Star Wars stuff I had as a kid. Of course I eventually got this one, in fact I currently have 5 Falcons. Two Vintage, 1 POTF2 loose, 1 POTF2 Boxed, and the recently released BMF Falcon. So I think I made up for not getting this, but I will never forget the sight I saw outside that Wendy's window that day.

Anyway...I hope you enjoyed this look into my childhood and get ready for KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE: PART 3, that should be up shortly.

See you next time, on the frontline.

March 21, 2009


Welcome to part two of the four part review of the 1982 Kung Fu/Horror flick, KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. As always I am Matt, your guide to all things cheese and celluloid. I am figuring if you are reading this then you have read part 1 of my review. If you haven’t you might be a little confused. Oh who am I kidding, it wouldn't matter if you actually saw this movie you'd still be confused. I've seen it three time and I still don't fully get it. But for those of you late to the party or with short term memory let me recount the tale up to this point.

Ok, see there is this guy Billy Chong and his Dad came back from the dead and wants him to get revenge on his murder. Billy heads off to another town to do so and comes on the dead body of a Wizard, who was killed by another Wizard. Billy buries the body and finds the Wizard's Book of Magic in the hilt of his sword but leaves it there with the body cause he is an idiot. He then makes his way to a inn, where his Dad's ghost wakes him up in time to hear a murder taking place in the next room and he fights the murders who are clearly the Inn Keepers. They are working for the bad Wizard that killed the good Wizard, and he in turn works for the guy that killed Billy's Dad. The bad Wizard uses the heart's of the couple that the Inn Keepers killed to spit blood over the guy that killed Billy's Dad, because he is afraid of getting shanked. Billy then confronts his father's murder only to get attacked and a guy with weird cheekbones has to bail him out. Not learning his lesson Billy sneaks back into his Father's Murder's house and tries to kill him again, but in the end is beaten up by the Wizard who uses magic and he runs away like a little school girl with a skinned knee.

Whew...ok now that that is out of the way we can begin.

So after having his butt pretty much handed to him Billy is walking the streets of the town feeling sorry for himself, but before he can dwell on this too long he spots two drunk old men wandering the streets as well, but they are wandering with a purpose. One claims he can show the other where to get free food and wine, so of course he follows. I guess the offer seems tempting to our Hero as well, as he falls in line and follows them just out of sight. The two men slip into a building and Billy sneaks up and looks through the door at them.

Drinking with the dead.

Turns out the free food and wine where from the offerings to the dead in the temple. So in a way our two drunk fellows are grave robbers. I'm sure they'll get plastered and then Barney will come by in the morning and lock them up in their regular cell and they'll sleep it off. And after a stern lecture from Andy and some of Aunt Bea's pie they'll wander back out into the public to repeat the whole process again tomorrow night. Course, something feels different tonight, could it be cause we are among dead bodies and this movie is called Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave? Hmmmmm? Let's watch and see.

So after watching our two intoxicated friends loot the offerings left by loving families for a few minutes, Billy slumps down on the doorstep to sleep. Why he can't go back to the Inn I don't know. Maybe he's just not as dumb as everyone else in the town and he has put two and two together and figured out the Inn Keepers are the murders. Course this is Billy we are talking about, so more likely he was so arrogant that he thought he'd come in and kill his Dad's murder in one day and be on his way home by now, and thus only brought enough coin for one night's stay.

Back inside the Dead seem to be getting fed up with their drunk visitors and begin to rise from the grave. Of course in typical fashion our comic relief players here are too drunk to notice the zombies rising all around them. Nope, they have to wait for the right moment to take note of that. It's called comic timing people, and these guys are professionals. Course when they do notice it, it quickly becomes the Chinese version of Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. The two drunks going running from the building screaming right past Billy and into the night.

Now the Dead have followed those that disturbed their slumber, but they had no chance to catch them as they are all doing the bunny hop. You heard that right. Every ghost is bounding around like the Easter Bunny in April. You know I think this might be a zombie type that needs to be explored further. I mean slow zombies where scary, and fast zombies just made it that much worse. But bunny hopping zombies, well you just might poop'em if you saw that coming at you.

By the time the ghosts...zombies...undead...whatever they are get to the doorstep the two drunks are long gone leaving Road Runners like trails of dust in their wake. So of course they turn and who do you think they find catching forty winks on their front door? Why Billy of course. Now the Dead, they aren’t rude, so they gently nudge Billy awake. When Billy does finally get up he is met with the horror of being surrounded by the decomposed faces of the walking dead. So for the second time that night, Billy soils himself.


Now just when he thinks he is total Scooby Doo like goner, a strange looking old hunchback appears and begins to yell at the ghosts to get back. He threatens to punish them if they disobey him and then starts do some strange chants and hand gestures. I guess this fellow is a Wizard too. No shortage of them in this town. They must have put a DeVry Wizard’s School in the mall. The Ghosts quickly return to their coffins in fear of Quasimodo's spells. He then locks them inside the temple. Now you would think that Billy would thank the man for saving his hide from a fate worse then death, but nope he doesn't do it. Instead he starts to think out loud about the power of magic. We get a nice flash back here of just about every scene in the movie up to this point that has to do with magic. Wait, wasn't there a book of magic someplace? Oh yeah with that dead guy a buried!

And I ran...I ran so far away.

So off Billy goes into the woods back to place where he buried Good Mr. Wizard yesterday. He finds him by literally tripping over the feet sticking out of the ground. Luckily he didn't bury him too deep and it doesn't look like the dogs go to him yet. So he begins digging up the grave with his bare hands till he comes to the sword and then out comes the book which he should have just kept in the first place and avoided this whole mess.

See, this is what playing D&D leads too.

With book in hand, Billy find himself a nice little quiet spot, produces a huge octagon, complete with Chinese symbols and a Yin Yang in the center, from thin air, and starts in trying to learn the magic contained in the book. Soon he is magically making incense "pop" (ie: more cheap fireworks) to life with but a thought. He is really starting to get this stuff. Of course in the temple his meddling in the unholy powers has not gone unnoticed.

Wake the dead!

In their coffins the dead, the same dead that bunny hopped their way into Billy's nightmares, can hear the use of the magic and they want to know what is up with that. So, and I'm not kidding here, one of the dead sticks what looks to be a antenna made of bamboo out of his coffin. You know to get better signal. I just don't even know what to say here, but I guess it works cause they find out it's a boy and that he wants to use assassins to help him defeat Mr. Big and Mr. Wizard. So the get up out of their coffins, wipe the sleep from their eyes. Grab a cup of coffee on the way out the door and go see what Billy wants.

Where's Jerry?

Did I do that?

When Billy sees the dead he starts spouting something about not wanting them and not what he intended. Cause I mean who could have known that a guy that starts messing with the very forces of nature after learning it from a book and have a whole hours practice could have messed up. Now even though he messed up big time, Billy isn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I mean these guys are willing to go to bat for him and all for the low, low price of his son. So moving...wait, hold up. Did I hear that right? They want his son? What are they going to do with Billy's son? Provided he can find anyone willing to knock boots with him that is. I mean are they going to play catch with him? Or do they just want to bring him up in a home with good upstanding Zombie values? Well whatever the case may be he must have accepted cause the next time we see Billy he has an undead army in tow. Sold off his son...and this is our Hero folks. I'm really starting to lean towards Mr. Wizard's side at this point.

Billy's undead posse.

Ok...So the gates to Mr. Big's house are thrown open by some power and in walk Billy and the Sunshine Band. Ok, now the guards can see the gate open and are real confused by who could do such a thing, but...and this is a big butt here, they can't see Billy or the Ghosts. I guess the Ghosts put some neat little spell on him to make him invisible as I doubt we are lucky enough that they just went ahead and killed him and he is ghost now as well.

Hee Hee...ASStral projection.

A See thru Billy and Company move through the courtyard undetected by the dumbfounded guards standing around. Just something I want to say here, but this effect is the worst in a movie full of bad effects. The camera is moving faster then the people are filmed walking. So you get a strange detached look to this. It's hard to explain, but trust me it looks cheap. Not only that but the projected image goes in front of the guards and the poles. As this group is suppose to walking right up the middle between all these thing it only makes it more clear that they kinda just phoned this one in. Probably would have been more effective to just have them actually walk through the scene and make everyone pretend they couldn't see them. Would have saved them money too.

Billy also takes advantage of his new found invisible powers to take a couple cheap hits on Mr. Black who is just strolling along minding his own business. He gives him a quick punch to the gut before moving behind him. Course Mr. Black thinks one of the other cronies did it and give the guy next to a wicked back hand. But Billy isn't done. Oh no, not by a long shot. He then karate chops him across the back of the neck, and again Mr. Black decks the guy closest too him the poor sap screaming "Not Me...Not Me!" the whole time.

The Dead with Billy in tow then move into what I guess is Mr. Big's throne room or something. All I know is there is a big chair in the middle of this room which Billy plops down in. The Dead help themselves to the offerings scattered all over the room and generally make themselves at home.

Mr. Wizard knows something is afoot.

Mr. Wizard suddenly come running. He must have used his Wizard-Sense to detect the arrival of Billy. He can also see Billy and his Ghosts. He really is magic! He pops into the room and starts to give the ghosts a stern lecture. Even calls them silly. Then he orders them out of the house.

It's a deadman's party. Who could ask for more?

The Dead respond with a mass zombie attack with arms outstretched and ready for brain eating, but Mr. Wizard isn’t having that in his house. He whips out his magic cloak and gives them a blast of magic which sends them reeling backwards. Man...I'm really starting to like Mr. Wizard. He's so cool!

The Ghosts quickly recover and make a second attack. Now Mr. Wizard beats a hasty retreat to put some distance between him and the ghostly souls out for his blood. A few super human bounds and he is sure footing his way across the roof and drops down into the court yard. Billy and his ghosts are right on his heels though and the dead coming flying at him from all directions and quickly surround him. Again the magic cloak saves the day as he spins it around and around blasting each ghost as they get near it. He then lets it loose and like Captain America's shield it flies through the air knocking ghost aside before returning to it's owner.

No comment. Just love this picture.

It's about this time that Mr. Wizard thinks it's time to bring this battle up a notch. After saying a few spells, and giving us that silly look above he begins to shoot fire all over the Dead. That's right Mr. Wizard can shoot fire. This guy should have been the hero of this movie, he is worth like ten Billy's. I wonder if Mr. Wizard has a fan club? If he doesn't he should, that's all I'm saying.

How about a little fire Scarecrow!


Ok, so the Dead must really want Billy's son since as soon as someone started shooting flames at me that he produced from thin air I'd be out of there, but instead they rally for another attack. For their effort they get yet another face full of fire from my new favorite person, Mr. Wizard. Seeing his undead army thrown back in defeat Billy decides to use the distraction to attack Mr. Wizard, but he isn’t having none of that and is up on his feet in a wink and ....wait...I think a scene is missing here as something happened and I think I missed it. Billy strikes out and finds empty air, and then BAM! they in the middle of a fight again, even the sound effects jumped. I guess something was missing here and they just cut it out and spliced it together with a crappy edit. Oh well...I bet it was just Mr. Wizard being awesome some more. Whatever the case, Mr. Black jumps in and soon Billy finds himself fighting Mr. Bigs goons as Mr. Wizard prepares to continue his fight against the Ghosts that have invaded.


The Dead re-launch their attack on Mr. Wizard, who is now sitting on the ground trying to perform some spell. We get more of the same type of magic here as a stage hand pulls Mr. Wizard on a cart making it look like he is floating backwards to get away from his attackers. It seems, however, that Mr. Wizard wasn't using all his magic to make him look corny. He has summoned two...Ok I don't know what they are. Demons, maybe? All I know is one is all white, and one is all black. So they are Yin and Yang now, who have tongues that would put Gene Simmons to shame. So he summons Yin and Yang to fight on his behalf against the Ghosts. .

Fireworks inside the house are a big no-no.

Supernatural Pow-wow.

Yin and Yang get between their Master and the attacking Undead and throws them back with Magical wands that spew bright sparks and have a loud report. (IE: Fireworks.) The Ghosts recover quickly and are on their feet again but they are a little unsure about what to do now. So of course Yin and Yang come over and they begin to talk it out with the Ghosts. Now when I say talk I mean it in the loosest form possible. They actually don't say a word. They just flow together annoying yip and yaps in sentence format. It makes no sense at all and it really rather annoying considering how much time it takes up here. I'd say it's a good half minute at least. Now that doesn't sound like a long time, but when you have to listen to it feels like forever.

It don't matter if you are black or white.

Apparently nothing got solved as no sooner as the annoying yips end, the cheesy fireworks start again, with another flasher throwing the ghosts back again. They then give chase, and of course the Dead run away like big old sissies. I really don't think this is first born son worthy service here. I mean just about everyone has had their way with these guys and they haven’t really helped all that much at all. I think Billy should report these guys to the Better Business Bureau. And to make matters worse they run and hide behind Billy himself to get away from Yin and Yang. So what does that mean? Well it means Billy takes firework sticks right to the belly.

And Billy takes two Roman Candles to the gut.

Yin is forced to listen to the latest Cher album.

Mr. Wizard is as confused as I am.

But instead of going off in a great flash and throwing Billy backwards. When Yin and Yang’s magic wands touch Billy in the stomach they explode in the guys hands and they reel back in pain. Everyone is real confused by this turn of events, even Mr. Wizard as you can see above. I don't think this is what he had planned at all. So what could have caused these events? Is Billy the chosen one? Is he so pure that the magic didn't work on him? Did Yin and Yang's magic wands just get stored in the attic for a couple of years and then they found them while getting the Christmas lights out and decided to see if they still worked?

Heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.


None of the above. Turns out that the wands hit Billy right where he was storing the Book of Magic. I guess even touching the book is bad news for guys like Yin and Yang. And to think he was going to leave this with a dead body.

Negative scratches really smart!

I hear Dianetics has the same effect on sane people.

Now young will die.

So when he pulls the book out from under his shirt, powerful rays of light (negative scratches) streak out and attack Yin and Yang knocking the backwards. As for me this was about the time I started to think that someone slipped some drugs into my drink. Problem was I was alone, so I hope I wasn't trying to get myself in bed. But watching this I just couldn't help but think I must be in altered state of mind. There is no way I am actually seeing this on film. It must come from some twisted side of my brain that I had repressed after seeing a naked clown at the circus die after his uncle touched him inappropriately. Yep...that's got to be what this was. Problem is that the more I tried to convince myself of this, the more I knew it wasn't true. This was happening. Well...guess I'll just have to suck it up and wade my way through it.

Yin and and Yang had an accident.


After blasting Yin and Yang unmercifully for a few seconds, they suddenly jump cut into two puddles of water. Billy is amazed at what has happened and turns the book around to look at it, in the process giving his own Ghosts a shot of magic to the face as well. Seeing his way clear to Mr. Wizard again Billy orders his ghosts to attack...and then what we have all been waiting for happens.

Dollar, Dollar Bill Y'all.

Mr. Wizard produces from his cloak a handful of cash and asks for Count Dracula to come to his aid and throws the money into the air where it burst into flames. Wait, did he just say Count Dracula? Oh man...ok, this is going to worth having to suffer through all of this other stuff I just know it. It's the Drac man! Course I can't help but think our main Vampire here has fallen on hard times. He is working for cash for a Wizard? I mean I know the recession is bad, but come on man. Have some self respect. Whatever Dracula's reasons for doing it we hear the demonic voice of the vampire saying he is coming!

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's...Dracula?


Hi! I'm Dracula and I don't belong in this flick.

Suddenly swooping down from the sky, Dracula has arrived. He flies circles around the Ghosts driving them back as Billy looks on in dumbfounded wonder. He then makes a few dives on the Undead, knocking some of them over before landing before them. We get shot of Dracula showing off his fangs. Now Billy's Ghosts don't want any part of this guy. The defacto leader of the Dead tells Dracula to mind his own business and that they will mind theirs and then tells him to go away. Now there are a few things in life (and death in this case) that you won't do. You don't put metal in a microwave, you don't talk to strangers, and you don't tell Dracula what to do.

So of course Dracula then proceeds to beat the living...ummmm dead tar out of anyone with green face paint that get's near him. He’s flying through the air, he disappearing one place and appearing another, he even takes a bite out of one poor fellow and spits the chunk of meat he tore lose to the ground. All and all Billy's Ghosts don't stand a chance here.

Dracula: The Lite Bright.

Laser Floyd: Now showing on Dracula's chest.

And bad news, the warranty just expired.

Watching this all go down, Billy can't just stand by as his chance for revenge is ruined my some round eye blood sucker. So he pulls out his weapon of mass the Book of Magic you sicko. Bunch of perverts I tell you what. Anyway, He begins to blast Dracula with the full power of the book, but the lord of the undead just laughs this off. In fact he looks like it might actually tickle a bit. After showing Billy how ineffective against him his powers really are, he turns his attention back to Ghosts that he came here to destroy.

Crosses will stop ya right in your tracks dontcha' know.

Looks like Billy's Ghosts have seen a few Vampire movies
when they were alive.

It's about this time that Billy remembers all those old Vampire movies he saw as a kid and commands his Ghosts to make a cross. The dead do as they are told and make a cross out of convenient placed wood laying around. The cross does the trick and stops Big D right in his tracks. They are even able to drive him back a bit, but in the end none can defeat Dracula. He makes a lung for the wooden cross and rips it from their hands.


Mr. Wizard, smug as ever.

He quickly breaks the cross on his knee. Now he is POed and starts chasing the ghost all over the court yard. Billy starts to ponder what to do then disappears as Mr. Wizard looks on approvingly. Dracula continues his assault slicing through the dead like a warm knife through butter. They go flying side to side as he tears them apart, and really it looks like he is having a real good time in doing so. That is till Billy gets back.

Billy must have seen those movies too.

Drac left an air biscuit.

Billy jumps out in front of Drac-attack with a wreath of garlic in hand. The Vampire hisses and bears his teeth, but begins to move away as Billy slowly advances with garlic outstretched. Seeing his chance, Billy pulls a clove of Garlic from the wreath, but Dracula quickly disappears in a puff of smoke.

You never know where Dracula will show up.

Garlic bomb!

Now Dracula isn't retreating. No sir-e-bob! He is just doing a strategic retreat to behind a post a few feet away. Billy and his Ghost begin to search for Dracula, who finally steps out and reveals himself. One of the ghosts points him out to Billy who begins to throw cloves of Garlic like hand grenades (and they explode like them too) at the King of the Night. We get several shots of Dracula suffering under the assault as explosive garlic shrapnel pepper him. Thinking no amount of money is worth this, Dracula retreats to the sky, never to be seen again. Well in this movie anyway. I'm sure he'll turn up here and B-Movie Blitzkrieg again.

Thiller! Thiller night!

Billy has victory. He has defeated Yin and Yang, and even Dracula himself. All he has to do is order his Ghosts to destroy Mr. Wizard and his path to revenge is clear and his father can rest in peace. He rallies his troops and then orders the attack. They advance at their target. His defeat is assured as they move in for the kill. They creep closer and closer and then...

The dead have to leave. Gilmore Girls is on.

...Turn tail and run. I have not idea why they did this. They do say something as they are flee like fraidy cats, but I can't make it out. I just hope they don't expect to still get Billy's son after this performance. Billy actually did most of the work himself and considering Dracula showed up, that's saying a lot. So now Mr. Wizard smiles and Billy turns and realizes he is totally boned as the courtyard fills up with cronies ready to tear him limb from limb...

Will Billy get out of this? Will Mr. Wizard ever not be awesome? Will Dracula ever get a steady paying job and stop having to do freelance? This answers and more on the next episode of SOAP...I mean B-MOVIE BLITZKRIEG!

Till next time see you on the frontline.