With a title like that, what could go wrong?
We open a old Chinese town gate. A Narrator breaks in and from the start I know I am in trouble here. The dialogue sounds like it has been recorded in a cave made of duct work. A sort of strange metallic echo. I thought this might just be for the voice over, but sadly it's not. The entire dub sounds this way. It makes hearing what is actually being said very difficult sometimes, but in this movie that might be a good thing.
Anyway, the Narrator goes on to explain that it is the month where the dead rise from the grave. Chinese Halloween in a nutshell. There is a nice montage of people going through the many customs that this month entails. Like beating a paper doll in the face with a shoe. You know the usual. We are then told that on the 14th day of the month that offerings are made up to the ghost that walk the earth. And it's right after this that the weird begins.
The Dead pass through the gates of Hell and
have a minty pine smell to boot.
We cut to a shot of the town gate, thrown open by unseen hands and Ghosts, you know they are ghosts cause they are green, start to pour in through the gate. This is of course accompanied by over the top Ghost moaning straight out of a cartoon. Lots of "oooooooooooo"s and "ewwwwwwwww"s and what not. I'm surprised no one was rattling chains. As they move through the town, they begin to eat the offerings of food. This is shown by a stage hand off camera lifting a fried chicken and pineapple into the air with some fishing line. Spooky.
Our Hero; Bruce Le...I mean Billy Chong!
So after we see all the ghostly going ons, we come to Billy Chong practicing his Kung Fu in the courtyard of his house. Doesn't Billy know it's Chinese Halloween? He shouldn't be outside. The ghost will get him. On a side note here, apparently our little Billy is a pretty famous Marital Arts star in Hong Kong. Can't say that I had heard of him before I saw this movie, but I don't exactly follow the genre either. So I'm sure someone will come on here and tell me all about him and then call me an idiot. It is the internet after all.
Back to Billy. So he is doing his Kung Fu in peace and making lots over exaggerated stretches and faces that Bruce Lee made so popular in these kinds of movies. Little does he know that he has attracted the attention of one of those pesky ghosts out on the prowl after getting his three day pass out of hell. The ghost glides past the outer windows and then floats over the wall and lands right behind Billy. Now does Billy scream? Does Billy run? Does Billy wet'em? Nope...Billy side kicks that undead dope right in the side of the head and sends him flying back over the wall. The ghost admits a comically funny "Whoa!!!" that had me on the floor by this point as he flies through the air with the greatest of ease. Course after Billy literally kicks this guy out of his house, THEN he asks "Who's there." Good manners Billy.
Guess they don't have any mirrors in hell.
The Ghost slides back up to the window and announces that he is in fact Billy's long dead father come back from the grave. He wants Billy to seek revenge against the man who killed him. A pretty cliché plot, but I have to say this movie made sure it set it's self apart from other movies. Not in a good way, but it set it's self apart, but more on that later. It turns out that Billy's dad worked hard in hell and saved his nickel and dimes and was able to bride his way back to Earth to see his son. If I were in Billy shoes there would be a hundred and one questions I'd want to ask, but "You mean they take brides in Hell?" isn't one of them. Course that is exactly what our bright little boy asks. Not "Hey is it hot down there?", "Is the Devil really as means as they say?", or "I bet it was cool to meet Elvis huh?"...nope, he is curious about how the economy works in hell. Well I bet the answer is just about as well as it works up here Billy. So Dad flies away with his son calling after him. About this time mom comes out of the house and probably wants to know why Billy is talking to himself again. He informers her that he just saw Dad's ghosts and tells her is he is going to go get revenge. And thus our story is set in motion.
Down by the river side.
Next we see Billy on the road, making his way towards the town where his father told him his murder could be found. A voice over from Mother tells us, and Billy, that some people that his Uncles sent to the town to look for his Father never returned. Course she let her only son go anyway. Guess she doesn't like Billy very much. What sitting at home playing Halo 3 all day and eating Cheetos on the bean bag chair. That bum. Good riddance! I hope you die out there! Oh...Mommy is sorry. She didn't mean it. She just says strange things when she has had too much to drink.
*Cough*...Back to the story...
It's a Wizard's duel!
Suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of great sword battle between two Wizards. I know they are Wizards cause I've seen the movie before. So there...Nah! There is lots of fast paced action that is pretty cool here. One of the things that does save this movie from being a total stink burger is the fight scenes are pretty good. We are also treated to some wirework here as Good Mr. Wizard (That's the good guy) climbs up a tree backwards to a limb, and Bad Mr. Wizard (That's the bad guy) jumps some 30 feet straight up to cut the limb out from under him. You also know that Bad Mr. Wizard is actually bad because throws dirt into his opponents eyes. That's bad form no matter where you are from.
It's at this point that Good Mr. Wizard decides that it's time to break out the voodoo. He uses a few quick hand motions so you know he is doing magic. Bad Mr. Wizard does the same. Now magic in this movie takes the for of the two guys gliding across the ground without actually walking. So magic is kind of like those little moving sidewalks at the airport. As their fingers touch there is an explosion of cheap fireworks (Wonder where they got those in China?) and both combatants are throw backwards. Good Mr. Wizard is first to his feet and quickly disarms Bad Mr. Wizard.
Evil Mr. Wizard begging for mercy!
So now that Bad Mr. Wizard is like totally boned he starts trying to save his own bacon. Seems they were fighting over a magic book that he wanted, but he doesn't want it anymore. Yeah, that's right. That's the ticket. He just wants mercy.
And dumb Mr. Wizard giving it to him.
And like a dope, Good Mr. Wizard gives it to him. He hopes that he'll change and be a good man and stop working for that evil guy that just also happens to be the same guy that killed Billy's father. What a Twist!
You know being the good guy really sucks sometime. He should have just lopped off his head right then and there, but noooooooooo that isn't the noble thing to do. Well kids keep watching and see what being noble gets you.
So as Good Mr. Wizard turns and walks away, thinking he has won and proven a point, the dolt, Bad Mr. Wizard gets a sinster look on his face and before you can say "Never turn you back on an evil wizard." He has jumped into the air, flips over Goody Two-Shoes and spits something in his eyes.
When blood gets in your eyes.
Now I don't know if he spit blood in his eyes or he spit something in his eyes that made them bleed. I'm actually leaning towards the latter, but in the end it doesn't matter. He is still as blind as Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, and Katie Holmes combined. And that gives Bad Mr. Wizard his chance. He pulls a sword from the ground and runs Good Mr. Wizard right through the gut. I told you you'd see what being noble got ya, and it's a straight sword to the belly.
LISTEN! Do you smell something?
Back on the road, our hero Billy is just minding his own business thinking of the many ways he is going to kill his father's murder, when he suddenly hears the death cries of Good Mr. Wizard. He must not be in a bad part of town. Because instead of turning right back around and leaving the way he came he actually walks towards the sound. Well when you get a blood spit in your eyes, don't come crying to me Billy Chong.
Mr. Wizard searches for the book.
Back at the murder scene, Bad Mr. Wizard begins searching the body for the book he seeks. You know with Good Mr. Wizard dead I think Bad Mr. Wizard will just be Mr. Wizard from now on out. Ok? No...well you don't get a say. He's Mr. Wizard now and he isn't Canadian. Deal.
So Mr. Wizard's search is in vain as the stiff doesn't seem to have the book on him. He gives the body one last glare of contempt before he hears Billy's approach. He quickly slinks away leaving dead body, sword and all the other damning evidence at the crime scene.
Nothing ruins a road trip faster then finding a stiff.
Billy enters stage left and finds the body of Good Mr. Wizard laying there. Now there are many things you should do if you find yourself in this situation. Call the Police or run away as fast as you can are two good ones, but what you don't want to do is what our pal Billy does. Billy decides to bury the guy. That's right. He takes the sword and starts to dig a shallow grave no less then five seconds after finding the body. I'm sure when CSI shows up that won't look bad at all. "Oh no officer I didn't kill him, I just buried him in a unmarked grave and didn't report it. I'm innocent I swear." Right Billy, Right.
The book of love..errr...Magic. Book of Magic.
So as he is digging the pommel of the sword comes off in his hand and reveals a secret compartment inside the hilt. From this he pulls a book, which turns out to be the very book of magic that Mr. Wizard was willing to kill for. Now if you were sent on a quest to kill a clearly very powerful man, by a ghost no less, and you found a book full of magic spells that might help you defeat him you'd keep it right? Well of course you would. You are smart boys and girls. You wouldn't put it back in the hilt and leave it in the middle of nowhere with a dead body would you? Only an idiot would do that. So guess what Billy does? That's right...He puts it right back. Seriously he deserves whatever he gets at this point.
After finishing his grim task, in the rain for dramatic effect, Billy continues on his way. Next we find ourselves in what looks to be one of those Eat and Sleeps that seem to be in all these movies. Restaurant on the bottom, rooms for rent on the top. They also seem to be in every Fantasy and Western too, but not in Sci-Fi. Nope! Future folk hate these.
Don't they know they are just going to be hungry
again in 20 minutes?
In the restaurant a couple enjoys something to eat. I'm sure it's rice and something. It's always rice and something. Anyway they are really going to town on this stuff and seem to be really enjoying each others company. They must not be married.
Chung Li and Mao give each other the "look".
Nearby the inn keepers...we will call them Chung Li and Mao since I never caught their actual names, are looking at the couple with a sinister gleam in their eyes. You know the way Dick Dastardly looked at all the other Wacky Racers. So you know they are up to no good.
"Of course we have a room! The Plot demands it."
Before we can get any insight into what they may have planned for you two young lovers, Billy makes his grand entrance and asks about a room. Of course they have a room for him. He has to be here so when the bad stuff goes down there can be fight. Duh!
Billy dreams of playing Kato.
We then quickly jump to night. That's one thing you need to learn about this town, the sun seems to come up and go down at lighting speed and any time during the day. One scene it's blackest night, the next brightest day...........NO EVIL SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHT! LET THOSE THAT WORSHIP EVIL'S MIGHT BEWARE MY POWER...GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!
Sorry...got lost there for a min. Where was I? Oh yeah it was night. So Billy is sleeping away in his room when the voice of his dead father invades his dreams and again demands revenge. Billy awakes with a start, but the voice is still in the room telling him to remember. Man for a dead guy, Billy's dad is sure pushy. I mean he just got there, have a little patience man! It's not like you are doing anything else. You are dead.
Billy awakes from his nightmare only to realize,
yes...he is really in this movie.
Lucky for Billy his father's rude visit has woke Billy up just in time to hear a scream of a woman from the other room, and he knows it's not the sock on the door knob kind. He quickly jumps to his feet and finds a masked man coming from the room knife in hand. They both jump down to the floor below where Billy is attacked by a woman. Now these two are clearly Chung Li and Mao. They are even wearing the same freaking outfits that they where earlier in the day and the only disguises they have donned are black handkerchiefs around the lower parts of their faces. I guess it was a lot easier to get away with Murder...uhhhhh...whenever this movie takes place.
A short Kung Fu fight breaks out where our Hero almost catches a knife with his face. Chung Li and Mao escape into the night as the other guest emerge from their rooms. They discover the bodies of the two lovers slain in their room and a tall man dressed all in white pushes through to see. We will call this bloke Mr. White as he will be showing up latter and again...I don't remember his name.
Chinese New Year already.
Ah now we are back to Mr. Wizard. We get real arty shot of his face reflected in a pool of water. He is reciting spells and burning incense and doing all kinds of Chinese magic stuff. Chung Li and Mao are there, as well as a whole horde of bad guys standing around another man sitting Indian style on a pedestal. This is Mr. Big, or that's what I'm calling him. I know this guys name but I'm just too lazy to type it out each time. So Mr. Big it is.
Mr. Wizard ends up doing all kinds of crazy stuff like burning paper and mixing it with water and spitting it all over Mr. Big, and painting on Mr. Big's face with what looks like blood. I'm sure some of this would make sense if I knew anything about Chinese mythology, but I don't so it's just four kinds of weird to me.
Two of hearts! Two hearts that beat as one!
After all this Mr. Wizard demands the hearts. A nice little bowl with two human hearts are put before him. I guess these where taken from the lovers back in the inn and are meant for some evil intent on Mr. Wizards part. He starts to say some spells over them and the hearts magically get boiled down to a think bright red bubbling liquid. Off camera of course. Can't show that, too expensive. What you think they are made of money here?
Mr. Wizard about to Snicker Snag on Mr. Big.
Mr. Wizard then lifts the bowl of heart juice and comes over to Mr. Big. He takes a big old swig of the stuff and then proceeds to snicker snag the stuff all over the guy. Chinese magic is pretty gross people. Don't know what this is suppose to do, but I hope it's worth being covered in blood, heart chunks, and some guys spit
All it takes is a Can o' Tan and some body glitter
to make Mr. Big happy.
After a few rounds of spitting Mr. Big finds himself covered in red body paint and what looks to be body glitter. I guess this is suppose to show that his skin is now magic or something. Ok so Mr. Wizard fills us in on the purpose of all this grossness. It is to make Mr. Big's body impervious to all weapons, and good news it'll only take one more ritual to make it happen. Mr. Big is pleased by this and promises to make Mr. Wizard a rich man. Mr. Wizard likes that, but he thinks that Mr. Big needs bed rest now. Cause after a long day of being covered in spittle and heart juice a good night's sleep is what you need most. Me? I’d rather have a shower, but it takes all kinds I guess.
After Mr. Big is carried away, Mr. Wizard calls over Chung Li and Mao and tells them that in three days he will need two more hearts. Chung Li complains it's hard to get them. Turns out they have to be male and female and taken during orgasm. Folks, I wish I was making this up, but that's what she just said. On top of all that they have to young and healthy too. So no old people sex will do. Maybe they should hang out a Make-Out point instead of their Inn. I'm sure they'd find what they are looking for there.
The Shadow knows!
From the shadows a mysterious masked figure appears on the roof. He has witnessed all that has taken place. As everyone is leaving he quickly tires to make his escape, but dislodges some roof tiles and attracts the attention of Mr. Wizard who then throw...a cymbal at him. Well it looks like a cymbal anyway. The Shadow, for that is what I am calling him, drops down off the roof just in time and the cymbal passes harmlessly overhead. As he drops to other side he quickly hides in the shadows as Mr. Wizard gives chase, but loses him in the night.
"I'm not dead yet."
And it's daytime again. The bodies of the two slain lovers are being removed from the Inn and placed on a cart to be taken away. Chung Li and Mao oversee this operation with Mr. White looking on as well. The old man removing the bodies then scalps them. Nosey Mr. White wants to know why he did that. He explains that it is the custom of the town to scalp the dead so that they cannot come back to life and haunt people. Bet Billy wished whoever did his dad in had scalped him. Would have saved him from having to make this trip, and missing the latest episode of The Hills.
Billy Chong needs no invitation.
We now find ourselves outside Mr.Big's compound, and wouldn't you know it Billy is there sizing the place up. Seems like Mr. Big is the one that killed off his old man and so his brilliant plan is to walk in the front door. I'm sure that'll work just fine. Course Mr. Big's guard have other plans and won't just let anyone come on in. So after a few kicks and punches from Billy they finally get down and ask him if he has an invitation. Turns out Billy does, or at least he says he does. When they ask to see it, Billy instead just starts kicking everyone within arm and leg reach. I'm starting to think he doesn't really have an invitation.
The sneer of Mr. Big.
The noise of his guards having their asses handed to them brings Mr. Big out of his house to find out what is going on. He asks Billy what his problem is and why he is looking for trouble. Billy accuses him of killing his father, to which Mr. Big replies that he could sue him for slander. It would be kind of funny if this suddenly turned in some of Kung Fu court drama. Twelve Angry Shaolins or something of the like
Anyway Billy says he has proof of everything he says. That his father's ghost came to him and told him everything, which I'm sure will stand up in court just fine, and his Dad wants him to get revenge. Now, Mr. Big he finds that real funny for some reason and start laughing his head off. Seeing the big boss laugh all his cronies start to do the same. Thing is it turns out Billy really doesn't like being laughed at and starts throwing a big old Kung Fu tantrum about it. He smacks the guy nearest him right in the gut. I think Billy might have some deep rooted issues here, but who cares we get to watch him beat people up. It's fun!
Mr. Big wants to know who his dad was. Billy rattles off some name that I couldn't spell if my life depended it on, then he throws a list of demands at Mr. Big on what he must do to make amends for his dad's death. It's a real reasonable list. All he's got to do is tell him where his dad is buried, then give all his money away, and then kill himself. I mean that's not a lot to ask of guy now is it? Course Mr. Big doesn't see it this way and orders his men to attack.
Mr. Wizard is looking to end this fight early.
So now we get another all out Kung Fu brawl. With Billy taking on all comers. I think he even threw a few snap kicks at a dog that was passing by outside just for the fun of it. So after beating up half of Mr. Big cronies single handed, Mr. Wizard decides it's time to step in. Soon Billy find himself on the defensive. He is shocked that a wizard can do Kung Fu. Seems Mr. Wizard is a man of many talents. One thing you might not know about him is that he can also crochet very well. He made Mr. Big a nice set of mittens last winter. It’s about this time that Mr. Wizard tries to take out Billy's little Billy with a wicked kick. I didn't even know Mr. Wizard was Jewish!
"What are you trying to do make me a eunuch?"
I didn't make that up, that is the actual line from the movie.
Mr. Wizard looks smug after almost taking off our
heroes twig and berries.
So even after almost losing his manhood, Billy still has some fight in him and continues his attack. Thing is Mr. Wizard is getting in all the hits, so our hero is really starting to take it one the nose. The Wiz is pretty much kicking his butt, and if this wasn't bad enough suddenly out of no where another guy jump kicks him right in the chest.
HE'S BACK! Uh…Who is he again?
We get a nice intro to our new bad guy with the detailed "You're Back." That's it. That's all they ever say about him. Just "You're Back." No name, no back-story, they don't even tell us where he is back from. I guess it's just enough that he is another thorn in Billy's side. Ok…so we got to call this duder something and since he is wearing Black he is now Mr. Black. There, problem solved.
Cheek bones to die for.
Mr. Black takes over now and he isn't as good as Mr. Wizard. He probably should have just let the guy handled this as he was doing just fine, but whatever. Guess we can't have Billy taken out too early in the game. Seeing the epic fail of Mr. Black all the bad guys that where standing around watching now come in and start attacking again and it turns into one huge melee again. That is until Mr. White just happens to come strolling by and sees how outnumbered Billy is and wants to help. So he tries to come into the fight and help out our overwhelmed Hero and how does Billy repay him?
Mr. White can't believe what a D-Bag Billy Chong is.
By punching him in the gut of course. Man Billy Chong is a real jerk. I know I am suppose to be rooting for this guy, but really I hope Mr. Wizard gets him and strings him up and turns him into a toad or something. Anyway, Mr. White isn't very happy with Billy and they have a little tussle in which Billy throws him into the on coming bad guys. Now if I was Mr. White I'd have left him there to get torn apart, but I guess he has a more forgiving soul then I so, as he grabs a wheel barrel and gets between Billy and his attackers allowing him to escape.
Mr. Big entertains his henchmen with his Fred Sanford
impression. "I'm coming Elizabeth." croaked the warlord.
Back in his compound Mr. Big is really steamed that Billy dared to attack him. He vows to kill him and yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill by now. You've seen enough bad guy rants in movies to know what he said pretty much. Mr. Black however, is worried he might work for the government. Maybe Big is behind on his taxes or something. He might be from the Kung Fu IRS! Mr. Wizard doesn't think so. His evidence? He reads the palms of those people. Good enough for me.
Billy thinks that sneaking in might work a little better then
marching in the front door again.
And it's night again. See what did I tell you about this town. Now Billy is sneaking around Mr. Big's place. I mean walking in the front door didn't work out too well, so let's try this. He quickly finds Mr. Big's window and slips inside catching the old man getting ready for bed.
Billy demands to know where his father is buried.
"Eat me!" responds Mr. Big.
There is a short fight ending with an overly showy couple of back flips by Billy as he lands on a table in a sitting position behind him. It actually just took me longer to explain it, then it did for him to actually do it. Ugh. Billy still wants to know where his Dad is buried. Mr. Big says he can ask him in hell and launches into an attack.
The sound of their fighting brings Mr. Wizard and the guards and they jump into the fray as well and Billy is right back where he started from again. Although this time I doubt Mr. White will be around to bail his butt out. So after taking out a few of Big's men, Mr. Wizard jumps into the fight again. He is looking to take Billy out once and for all this time and do it he is going to use MAGIC!
Mr. Wizard doing that Voodoo that he do so well.
Mr. Wizard starts spout off stuff about a black deity and the power of magic and all that kind of jazz that sounds good and makes you think he is going to do something really cool and oh trust me he does something really great.
Double...uh.. Sixerplex..Vision. Yeah.
He puts a prism in front of the lens. Yep that's the great magic. But I really shouldn't fault him here. I mean as lame as it looks, it actually works on Billy. He just stands there and lets him hit him, not once, but twice using the same attack. So if you ever get in a street fight with Billy Chong just bust out your Kaleidoscope. You are sure to win every time.
Now after falling on his ass a second time Billy just figures out that it is Black Magic. I know this cause he says it out loud. He knows he can't match that and runs off a like a big old puss. I swear a saw a great yellow strip appear on his back as he was running away trailing a perfect line of urine behind him.
So will Billy be able to beat the Wizard? Will he get his revenge? Will he get the girl? Will where Mr. Black was ever be explained?
Uh....Yes, Yes, no, and no. Now after that you might think there isn't much reason to come back and read part 2, but trust me there is one very big reason to come back for Part 2 and his name is DRACULA!!!!!!!
So see you next time on the frontline.