Previously on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians...
We found out that the Martians wanted a Santa Claus. Instead of coming up with their own, they kidnap ours. Also in the process they end up with young Billy and Betty in tow as well. One of the Martians, Voldar, doesn't want Santa on Mars at all and tries to kill Santa and the kids. He fails and is arrested for his attempt, but quickly escapes. Santa on the other hand, finds out that is going to be a permanent resident of Mars.
Voldar rolling it like the Taliban...in a cave.
Santa doesn't have anything against child labor.
We now join Voldar, ranting and raving to his gang of underlings in a cave. You can always depend on bad guys to find a good cave to hide in. Be it the simple cave of terrorists, or the super mega hollowed out volcano of Bond villains, bad guys just love to be underground. Wait...I like to be underground too. Oh man, I must be a villain. Guess I need to start looking for a arch-nemesis.
Suddenly, another of Voldar's minions enters the cave. He has been acting as a spy in Santa's new workshop. Turns out the shop has been turning out tons of toys for the kids of Mars thanks to Kimar's new automated assembly line. Voldar now comes up with a new plan. If he can't kill Santa, he'll discredit him.
Back at the workshop the toy making machines are going full blast, and Santa has got Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar helping him. He isn't even paying them. Santa is writing it off as an internship on his taxes, but we all know that's not what is going on. He is pulling at full out Kathy Lee...for reals.
Dropo enters the workshop with another load of letters for Santa from all the boys and girls of Mars. It turns out that all the girls and boys on Mars only want either a Ball, a Bat, a Doll, A Train, a Car, or something I can't read but it starts with a T, since those are the only doors on the machine. I don't see any Xbox or Wii door on there. Man, Martian kids are easy to buy for. After a busy day of pushing buttons, Santa calls quitting time. I mean sixteen hours of back breaking work is more then enough for four pre-teens right?
As they leave Dropo begins to admire an extra Santa suit that is hanging near the door. Santa tells him that Lady Momar made it for him. Dropo wants to try it on, but Santa says he is far too skinny. I think Santa just didn't want to share pants with Dropo. He has gotten around that he has the crabs...and the clap...and genital warts...Dropo loves the red light district of Mars.
Santa returns to Kimar's house with his slaves...I mean kids. Turns out he had to call it day cause his finger was tired. Yeah, that happened to me once too. The kids, as a reward for their 16 hour day, get a Milk Pill and a half hour to play before they have to go to bed. The Martian kids want to use their half hour to watch Earth Programs, but Billy and Betty don't want too and seem depressed. They just want to go to bed...been there too. Kimar, showing more concern for strangers then his own kids, wants to know what is wrong with them. They insist it is nothing, but as they leave Momar figures out that they are homesick. Moms...and Momars always know.
Dropo enters the workshop with another load of letters for Santa from all the boys and girls of Mars. It turns out that all the girls and boys on Mars only want either a Ball, a Bat, a Doll, A Train, a Car, or something I can't read but it starts with a T, since those are the only doors on the machine. I don't see any Xbox or Wii door on there. Man, Martian kids are easy to buy for. After a busy day of pushing buttons, Santa calls quitting time. I mean sixteen hours of back breaking work is more then enough for four pre-teens right?
As they leave Dropo begins to admire an extra Santa suit that is hanging near the door. Santa tells him that Lady Momar made it for him. Dropo wants to try it on, but Santa says he is far too skinny. I think Santa just didn't want to share pants with Dropo. He has gotten around that he has the crabs...and the clap...and genital warts...Dropo loves the red light district of Mars.
Santa returns to Kimar's house with his slaves...I mean kids. Turns out he had to call it day cause his finger was tired. Yeah, that happened to me once too. The kids, as a reward for their 16 hour day, get a Milk Pill and a half hour to play before they have to go to bed. The Martian kids want to use their half hour to watch Earth Programs, but Billy and Betty don't want too and seem depressed. They just want to go to bed...been there too. Kimar, showing more concern for strangers then his own kids, wants to know what is wrong with them. They insist it is nothing, but as they leave Momar figures out that they are homesick. Moms...and Momars always know.
Still more convincing the most mall Santas.
Now we cut to Dropo, who is trying on the Santa's suit despite the fact that Santa told him not too. If Dropo knew what Santa did to his elves that disobeyed him, he wouldn't be so quick to put on that suit. Dropo looks on unhappily at how loose the suit is and starts to gorge himself on food pills. That's a good lesson for the kids there. Hey kids, if your not happy with how you look just take as many pills as you can shove in your mouth.
Anyway, waiting for the food pills to make him fat is taking too long so Dropo does what every skinny guy posing as Santa has done from the beginning of time. He stuffs a pillow down his pants. Now that he fat like Santa, he puts on Santa's coat and hat and the...fake beard? So Momar made Santa a fake beard? Really? Alright...Well Since Dropo now thinks of himself as Santa Claus and his finger isn't tired he decides to go back to the shop and make some more toys.
Anyway, waiting for the food pills to make him fat is taking too long so Dropo does what every skinny guy posing as Santa has done from the beginning of time. He stuffs a pillow down his pants. Now that he fat like Santa, he puts on Santa's coat and hat and the...fake beard? So Momar made Santa a fake beard? Really? Alright...Well Since Dropo now thinks of himself as Santa Claus and his finger isn't tired he decides to go back to the shop and make some more toys.
Behind Enemy Lines: The Santa Incident
But as Dropo makes his way to the factory someone is already there. It's Voldar and his gang. Seems they plan to sabotage the machine to turn out faulty toys and thus make Santa look bad and that will kill Christmas on Mars. As they set about their dastardly deed, they hear someone coming and quickly hide. In comes Dropo still in full out Santa gear. Voldar seeing this of course assumes it is the real Santa. I mean it's a bad costume and is clearly not Santa, but how would Voldar know what Santa looks like? What? He was on Earth when they kidnapped him? Well I mean maybe he never got a good look at him....He did? Up Close? Really. Well Voldar's an idiot then.
So they grab Santa and drag him back to their posh cave lair. I mean it's got a fire....and a ummmm...did I say fire already? Voldar orders the Nuclear Curtain lowered. Seems that once this curtain is lower it'll disengrate anyone that tries to pass through it. They plan to hold Santa prisoner, until tommorrow which will mark the end of operation Santa Claus and the end of Christmas on Mars!
Back at Kimar's house, everyone is looking for Dropo. They look high and low, but he is no where to be found. Santa comes in and tells them that his extra suit is missing. Kimar informs him that Dropo is also missing. Santa thinks he knows what has happened. Clearly Dropo took the suit and went back down to the factory to make more toys. They'll find him there. So he collects his slaves...I mean kids...I don't know why I keep doing that, and heads for the factory.
So they grab Santa and drag him back to their posh cave lair. I mean it's got a fire....and a ummmm...did I say fire already? Voldar orders the Nuclear Curtain lowered. Seems that once this curtain is lower it'll disengrate anyone that tries to pass through it. They plan to hold Santa prisoner, until tommorrow which will mark the end of operation Santa Claus and the end of Christmas on Mars!
Back at Kimar's house, everyone is looking for Dropo. They look high and low, but he is no where to be found. Santa comes in and tells them that his extra suit is missing. Kimar informs him that Dropo is also missing. Santa thinks he knows what has happened. Clearly Dropo took the suit and went back down to the factory to make more toys. They'll find him there. So he collects his slaves...I mean kids...I don't know why I keep doing that, and heads for the factory.
Hey you got bear in my doll!
Hey you got doll in my bear!
Hey you got doll in my bear!
When they arrive, however, Dropo is no where to be found. But Santa can't be bothered with that, he has to make the toys. On come the machines and toys start to poor out. One problem, they are all mixed up. A bear comes out with a doll's head, and vice versa. The baseball bat comes out with a tennis racket on top. It's all craaaaaaaaaaaazy. The machine is all broken. Santa wants Bomar to call his father to come take a look at it.
Back in the cave they still haven't figured out that Dropo isn't the real Santa Claus. With the power of his hostage, Voldar plans to walk right into the toy shop and...I don't know what his plan is now. He has Santa, he has sabotaged the toy making machine, and ruined Christmas for everyone on Mars. He's won...or at least he thinks he has. No idea why he wants to go to the toy shop other then to gloat or something. As Voldar and his goons depart, he leaves one minion to guard Dropo Claus.
After Voldar departs, the goon activates the Nuclear Curtain. The dimwitted goon explains exactly how the curtain works to Dropo Claus, and then moves away from the controls with his back turned. How lucky for Dropo. He uses the chance to switch the control lights which show when the curtain is off or on. He then turns the curtain off and escapes, with Voldar's stooge too scared to follow because he thinks the curtain is still up.
Back at the workshop, Kimar has examined the toy machine and determined that it was sabotage that made the machine go haywire. He also suspects that Voldar has also kidnapped Dropo as well. Kimar storms out to find Dropo and bring Voldar to justice and lucky for him he runs right into Voldar at the entrance to the toy factory. Kimar quick draws his hair dryer on him. Voldar, however, just laughs it off. He has Santa Claus, and he'll be destroyed him if he doesn't do as he says. He then outlines his demand. First, the toy machine is to be destroyed. Second, Santa and the kids are to be sent back to Earth. Third, no more "Joy through toys on Mars." Man, what a blow hard.
Back in the cave they still haven't figured out that Dropo isn't the real Santa Claus. With the power of his hostage, Voldar plans to walk right into the toy shop and...I don't know what his plan is now. He has Santa, he has sabotaged the toy making machine, and ruined Christmas for everyone on Mars. He's won...or at least he thinks he has. No idea why he wants to go to the toy shop other then to gloat or something. As Voldar and his goons depart, he leaves one minion to guard Dropo Claus.
After Voldar departs, the goon activates the Nuclear Curtain. The dimwitted goon explains exactly how the curtain works to Dropo Claus, and then moves away from the controls with his back turned. How lucky for Dropo. He uses the chance to switch the control lights which show when the curtain is off or on. He then turns the curtain off and escapes, with Voldar's stooge too scared to follow because he thinks the curtain is still up.
Back at the workshop, Kimar has examined the toy machine and determined that it was sabotage that made the machine go haywire. He also suspects that Voldar has also kidnapped Dropo as well. Kimar storms out to find Dropo and bring Voldar to justice and lucky for him he runs right into Voldar at the entrance to the toy factory. Kimar quick draws his hair dryer on him. Voldar, however, just laughs it off. He has Santa Claus, and he'll be destroyed him if he doesn't do as he says. He then outlines his demand. First, the toy machine is to be destroyed. Second, Santa and the kids are to be sent back to Earth. Third, no more "Joy through toys on Mars." Man, what a blow hard.
Kimar caves in to the demands. Wha...What? But...and he has the...that's not the real...I don't get it. But it turns out that Kimar is just messing with them and he then reveals the real Santa in his workshop. They are really confused now. How did he escape the cave? And how did he change his appearance so radically, so that now he doesn't look like a Martian in a bad suit. It's uncanny! Kimar uses this confusion, to pull his gun on them again and forces them into a closet. Oh...I don't know if I like where this going.
Oh he is just going to lock them in the closet. Whew...I thought this was going to be something that Voldar would have to try to figure out with his therapist for many years to come. Upon hearing that Kimar plans to make him stand trial before the council, Voldar strikes knocking the gun from Kimars hand. After a breif fight, Kimar is knocked out cold.
Meanwhile in the workshop, Santa has finished repairing the toy making machine. He then sends Billy for some red paint, which of course is located in the very storage closet where Kimar now lays unconscious and Voldar and his goon plan their next move. As Billy approaches, he overhears the evil plans beyond the door. Voldar plans to kill Santa and smash the machine. Billy runs back into the workshop to warn Santa.
As Billy narcs out Voldar, Santa has a plan. He'll let Voldar play with his toys. Oh I hope that's not a metaphor for something. Nope. Turns out he meant it literally, for no sooner does does Voldar burst into the room then he begins to have toys of all kinds thrown at him from every direction. Marshmallow guns blaze away, their deadly projectiles finding their mark leaving no damage but only a sweet smell. Tin wind up toys advance on the fiend to fight for their right to exist. Oh and they beat him with baseball bats too.
Soon Dropo Claus arrives at the toy shop only to run right into Voldar's goon. Just as Dropo is about to get blasted, Kimar wakes up and emerges from the closet. He takes the weapon away and turns it on it's owner. He then forces him into the main workshop, where they find a defeated and crying Voldar. The prisoners are marched away to prison. As Dropo comes in, Santa hugs him and proclaims him his heir apparent and that now he will be the Santa Claus of Mars.
Oh he is just going to lock them in the closet. Whew...I thought this was going to be something that Voldar would have to try to figure out with his therapist for many years to come. Upon hearing that Kimar plans to make him stand trial before the council, Voldar strikes knocking the gun from Kimars hand. After a breif fight, Kimar is knocked out cold.
Meanwhile in the workshop, Santa has finished repairing the toy making machine. He then sends Billy for some red paint, which of course is located in the very storage closet where Kimar now lays unconscious and Voldar and his goon plan their next move. As Billy approaches, he overhears the evil plans beyond the door. Voldar plans to kill Santa and smash the machine. Billy runs back into the workshop to warn Santa.
As Billy narcs out Voldar, Santa has a plan. He'll let Voldar play with his toys. Oh I hope that's not a metaphor for something. Nope. Turns out he meant it literally, for no sooner does does Voldar burst into the room then he begins to have toys of all kinds thrown at him from every direction. Marshmallow guns blaze away, their deadly projectiles finding their mark leaving no damage but only a sweet smell. Tin wind up toys advance on the fiend to fight for their right to exist. Oh and they beat him with baseball bats too.
Soon Dropo Claus arrives at the toy shop only to run right into Voldar's goon. Just as Dropo is about to get blasted, Kimar wakes up and emerges from the closet. He takes the weapon away and turns it on it's owner. He then forces him into the main workshop, where they find a defeated and crying Voldar. The prisoners are marched away to prison. As Dropo comes in, Santa hugs him and proclaims him his heir apparent and that now he will be the Santa Claus of Mars.
Dropo is preggers.
We now come to sad goodbyes. It's time for Santa, Billy, and Betty to return to Earth. Kimar and Momar thank Santa from bringing back happiness to the children, and the Christmas Spirit to all of Mars. Just then a fat Dropo Claus storms into the room, wishing everyone everyone a Merry Christmas. Doubting if Dropo's jelly belly is real, Kimar stabs him with a pin popping a the balloon under his coats. I am glad he was sure that was balloon, I hear bleeding out from the stomach is one of the longest and most painful way to die. Lucky for Dropo it was a balloon.
Santa sees this as the perfect time to beat feet and that if they hurry they might be able to get back in Earth in time for Christmas Eve. So the trio depart with one final Merry Christmas. We then see the rocket returning to Earth, as the first chords "Hooray for Santa Claus" strike up.
Santa sees this as the perfect time to beat feet and that if they hurry they might be able to get back in Earth in time for Christmas Eve. So the trio depart with one final Merry Christmas. We then see the rocket returning to Earth, as the first chords "Hooray for Santa Claus" strike up.
Santa and the kids return to earth where they are shot down by NORAD.
And thus "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" ends. And from us at B-Movie Blitzkrieg (which is just me), we wish you all a Merry Christmas!
Till next time, see you on the Frontline.
-Matt
Till next time, see you on the Frontline.
-Matt
And remember I can see you when you poop.
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