December 21, 2010

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 2

When we left off last time Martians had come to Earth with intent to kidnap Santa Claus. Billy and Betty, become traitors to their world, and tell the Martians where to find Santa. For their trouble they also get kidnapped by the Martians and hauled off to the North Pole. There all caught up? Good...

So now Dropo is giving the kids a tour of the Martian spacecraft, just like all declared enemies of the Martian Empire are. So Dropo goes about pretty much telling them what every little button does and how to work it. I'm sure this won't backfire on him at all either. No, no, no.

Anyway, they get to a little light on the control panel that only blinks when someone is coming up the elevator. And wouldn't you know it, it starts to blink as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Dropo has to quickly hide the kids, so he shoves them into the Radar Box. I bet it smelled something awful of Dropo in there too considering he rode the whole from Mars to Earth in there. Probably smells like Martian feet in there. Which smells just like Earth feet, only green.

No sooner has the kids shut the lid on the Radar Box, then the whole crew comes piling into the bridge. Voldar uses this chance to once again show us how much of an asshat he is by bullying poor old Dropo. The rest of the crew prepare to land at Santa's Workshop. As they land, Kimar commands Dropo to guard the kids and make sure they don't leave the ship. Kimar then says he is going to take Torg with him to make sure they capture Santa. We aren't told who Torg is, but he must be a big gun of some kind since Voldar doesn't think they need him to capture a "Rolly Polly Little Man like Santa Claus." His words, not mine.

As the Martians leave, Billy and Betty emerge from their hiding spot. Feeling guilt for spilling the beans about Santa, they plan to get off the ship and warn Santa. But first Billy trashes the Radar Box, so that if the Martians get off Earth, they'll have whole U.S. Space Force after them. Which at this point in history were a couple of space capsules on top of rockets that could barely make it to the Moon. I'm sure they'll live in fear of that.

So the children make their way out of the ship and run randomly into the ice covered wasteland of the North Pole. Well I guess Voldar doesn't have to worry, because Billy and Betty will be dead in fifteen minutes. No sooner have they disappeared into the white desolation of snow (fancy right), then the Martians emerge from the ship as well, but wait...Voldar isn't with them. Kimar demands to know where Voldar is. Just as he demands this, Voldar himself appears.

Kimar begins to berate Voldar for always working against him. He then warns him to stay away from the children. Guess Voldar is also a pedophile or something. Voldar however laughs this off and then informs Kimar that the kids have escaped! Fearing that the children will warn Santa, he orders that they be found. As the Martians spread out to look for them, Kimar orders Torg out of the ship. We still don't get to see what he looks like. I like to imagine that he is a tentacle rape monster. But that's just me.

Thanks to global in polar bear suits will soon be extinct.

Voldar quickly picks up the kids trail, and so they jump into an ice cave to hide. Course the kids forgot to wipe away their footprints and they lead him right to the cave. As Voldar is about to discover them, a loud grow comes from behind him. He turns, his hair dryer at the ready, only to discover a huge, rabid, monstrous, MAN IN A POLAR BEAR SUIT!!! Voldar of course backs off, because he's seen CSI and knows what Furries do to you. This Furry, however, isn't picky though. If he can't have Voldar, then he'll take some little kids! Lucky for Billy and Betty, he can't get his mascot sized head into the cave. After a few tries, the Furry gives up and leaves.

Oh no Billy...I don't want to be killed by a water heater.

As Billy and Betty sit and freeze to death and complain about their fate, they suddenly see lights in the distance. It must be Santa's workshop right? I mean what else could it be? A giant freaking robot that's what else it could be! This is Torg. I have to admit I'm disappointed it's not a tentacle rape monster, but you can't win them all. Billy and Betty just stand there as Torg takes like three hours to get to them and then captures them in a giant bear hug. Of course Voldar is first on the scene and orders the robot to kill the kids. Guess he never hear of Asimov's three laws of robotics.

Kimar arrives, and tells Voldar that Torg has been set to only obey because he knew Voldar would try something like that. Kimar the orders the kids locked up, so they can't stop them from getting to Santa Claus. They then depart for Santa's workshop.

The very specific fetish of Santa voyeurisms

When they arrive, they surround the workshop. After making sure the fat man is at home by peeping through his window, Kimar orders Torg into the workshop to capture Santa Claus.

I am looking for Sara Conner.

So Torg comes busting into Santa's workshop and starts ripping heads off Elves left and right. Blood is everywhere! And then he blast Santa with his laser eyes and the old man turns into charred bones and then he breaks all the toys...Ok, that didn't happen. Torg just walks in and picks up an elf, gently by the way, that got in his way and then walks up to Santa and that's it. Santa thinks he is a big toy and treats him as such and that's exactly what he ends up turning into.

Seeing their giant robot fail, the Martians burst in hair dryers in hand. After "freezing" a few Elves and Mrs. Claus too, they force Santa to come with them. And I just want to raise the question of why Santa Claus is wearing short sleeves? It has nothing to do with the plot here, but he is wearing his full out fur lined red suit, but it has short sleeves. It's just strange is all. Anyway, Santa comes along without much of a fight.

The news quickly spreads around the world that Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Martians. Seems Mrs. Claus, after she was unfrozen, went straight to the Po-Po. That raises the question of why they bothered to kidnap the kids? Wasn't it to keep them from going to the police? Why didn't they take everyone from the North Pole to Mars? Or just freeze and leave the kids? You know I'm starting to think this might just be a weak plot point to get the kids to Mars.

Oh kids. It looks like we are going to be here a while, and Santa has certain urges...

On board the Martian space craft, it turns out Santa has already begun to corrupt the crew with really corny jokes. Here is the one that did them in: "What is soft and round, and you put it on a stick and toast it in a fire...and it's green?" Give up? "A Martianmellow." That's the kind of thinking that brings down regimes. Mao would have had him shot for less then that.

Meanwhile Santa is trying to keep up the kids good cheer by telling them about how he almost died during the war. But it's not possible to cheer Billy and Betty up, they are just now having remorse for the fact that the lead the Martians right to his door step. But Santa forgives them. I mean everyone knows where Santa Claus lives. Yeah, everyone but Martians...which is who they told. You are being too easy on them Saint Nick. Too easy.

Anyway, Dropo comes in just then with their food pills. And what are they having tonight? Soup, Beef Stew, Chocolate Ice Cream, and Extenze! Man they sure eat crazy on Mars. Thing is the kids aren't hungry...and they don't want four hour erections either. Dropo asks if he can have them, because not only is he hungry but he has a hot date later tonight.

Voldar the Barbarian

After finding out that the kids have sabotaged the Radar Box, Voldar flies into a rage and heads down to deal with the kids. Under the guise of giving them yet another tour of the ship, Voldar tricks Santa and the kids into the ships airlock. Why did they willing go into an airlock with a guy they know wants to kill them? Cause they are idiots that is why.

The countdown clock to having their blood freeze and their eyeballs explode is clicking away on the wall, Santa quickly tries to find a way out of his. He finds a vent that leads out of the room. On the bridge Voldar watches the controls as the airlock is vented to space, killing those pesky kids and their Santa too.

Kimar burst in to ask who is in the airlock, and this smart ass Voldar comes back with "No" Putting two and two together, Kimar figures out what Voldar has done and thus follows the epic fight. It's hard to give you a blow by blow of this, but I will try my best.


And that's pretty much how it went down. I know you can just see it in your mind's eye now.

Anyway Kimar won or course. Just then Santa and the kids enter the bridge. Only one thing could have happened. They died and now they are GHOSTS!!!!, Santa saved them by using his magical powers to slip slide up the air vent and out of the airlock. Voldar is sent to the brig. He'll stand trial for what he did. Attempted murder of a fictional character.

However, when they go to get Voldar from brig, after landing, they find Dropo tied up on the bed instead. I'm sure Voldar somehow tricked Dropo into some weird David Carradin like stuff, and then escaped. Only logical thing that could have happened. Anyway, now Voldar is on the loose and he still has it in for Santa. Voldar will return in "The Living Daylights."

I'm Santa Bitch!

But Santa has more important work then tracking down Voldar. He has to start bringing happiness to the children of Mars starting with Kimar's own kids. After all the quicker he fixes them, the quicker Kimar can get back to acting like they don't exist. But before the Martian kids can meet Santa they have to meet Billy and Betty. Billy has to teach Bomar how to shake hand. Thing is shaking is a dirty hand gesture on Mars for doing something to inappropriate to your mother. Ok, I made that last part up.

Then the big man himself shows up and the Martian kids just stare in wonder...or confusion. I don't know which. They look the same those two. Actually, I bet it's confusion. Santa breaks the tension by just laughing. He doesn't tell a joke, or even fart. He just starts laughing. Then everyone else nervously follows suite. After the kids fall asleep from laughing all day, Santa says he wants to set up his workshop as quickly as possible, so he can get all the toys done and he can return to Earth for Christmas. But Kimar puts on his Captain Bring-down hat and tells Santa that he will never return to Earth, that he belongs to Mars now....


Will Santa get back to Earth? Will Voldar get his revenge? Will the Wizard ever give Dropo a brain? You'll have to tune in for the final chapter of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Till next time, see you on the frontline.


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