Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 3

Previously on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians...

We found out that the Martians wanted a Santa Claus. Instead of coming up with their own, they kidnap ours. Also in the process they end up with young Billy and Betty in tow as well. One of the Martians, Voldar, doesn't want Santa on Mars at all and tries to kill Santa and the kids. He fails and is arrested for his attempt, but quickly escapes. Santa on the other hand, finds out that is going to be a permanent resident of Mars.

Voldar rolling it like the Taliban...in a cave.

We now join Voldar, ranting and raving to his gang of underlings in a cave. You can always depend on bad guys to find a good cave to hide in. Be it the simple cave of terrorists, or the super mega hollowed out volcano of Bond villains, bad guys just love to be underground. Wait...I like to be underground too. Oh man, I must be a villain. Guess I need to start looking for a arch-nemesis.

Suddenly, another of Voldar's minions enters the cave. He has been acting as a spy in Santa's new workshop. Turns out the shop has been turning out tons of toys for the kids of Mars thanks to Kimar's new automated assembly line. Voldar now comes up with a new plan. If he can't kill Santa, he'll discredit him.

Santa doesn't have anything against child labor.

Back at the workshop the toy making machines are going full blast, and Santa has got Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar helping him. He isn't even paying them. Santa is writing it off as an internship on his taxes, but we all know that's not what is going on. He is pulling at full out Kathy Lee...for reals.

Dropo enters the workshop with another load of letters for Santa from all the boys and girls of Mars. It turns out that all the girls and boys on Mars only want either a Ball, a Bat, a Doll, A Train, a Car, or something I can't read but it starts with a T, since those are the only doors on the machine. I don't see any Xbox or Wii door on there. Man, Martian kids are easy to buy for. After a busy day of pushing buttons, Santa calls quitting time. I mean sixteen hours of back breaking work is more then enough for four pre-teens right?

As they leave Dropo begins to admire an extra Santa suit that is hanging near the door. Santa tells him that Lady Momar made it for him. Dropo wants to try it on, but Santa says he is far too skinny. I think Santa just didn't want to share pants with Dropo. He has gotten around that he has the crabs...and the clap...and genital warts...Dropo loves the red light district of Mars.

Santa returns to Kimar's house with his slaves...I mean kids. Turns out he had to call it day cause his finger was tired. Yeah, that happened to me once too. The kids, as a reward for their 16 hour day, get a Milk Pill and a half hour to play before they have to go to bed. The Martian kids want to use their half hour to watch Earth Programs, but Billy and Betty don't want too and seem depressed. They just want to go to bed...been there too. Kimar, showing more concern for strangers then his own kids, wants to know what is wrong with them. They insist it is nothing, but as they leave Momar figures out that they are homesick. Moms...and Momars always know.

Still more convincing the most mall Santas.

Now we cut to Dropo, who is trying on the Santa's suit despite the fact that Santa told him not too. If Dropo knew what Santa did to his elves that disobeyed him, he wouldn't be so quick to put on that suit. Dropo looks on unhappily at how loose the suit is and starts to gorge himself on food pills. That's a good lesson for the kids there. Hey kids, if your not happy with how you look just take as many pills as you can shove in your mouth.

Anyway, waiting for the food pills to make him fat is taking too long so Dropo does what every skinny guy posing as Santa has done from the beginning of time. He stuffs a pillow down his pants. Now that he fat like Santa, he puts on Santa's coat and hat and the...fake beard? So Momar made Santa a fake beard? Really? Alright...Well Since Dropo now thinks of himself as Santa Claus and his finger isn't tired he decides to go back to the shop and make some more toys.

Behind Enemy Lines: The Santa Incident

But as Dropo makes his way to the factory someone is already there. It's Voldar and his gang. Seems they plan to sabotage the machine to turn out faulty toys and thus make Santa look bad and that will kill Christmas on Mars. As they set about their dastardly deed, they hear someone coming and quickly hide. In comes Dropo still in full out Santa gear. Voldar seeing this of course assumes it is the real Santa. I mean it's a bad costume and is clearly not Santa, but how would Voldar know what Santa looks like? What? He was on Earth when they kidnapped him? Well I mean maybe he never got a good look at him....He did? Up Close? Really. Well Voldar's an idiot then.

So they grab Santa and drag him back to their posh cave lair. I mean it's got a fire....and a ummmm...did I say fire already? Voldar orders the Nuclear Curtain lowered. Seems that once this curtain is lower it'll disengrate anyone that tries to pass through it. They plan to hold Santa prisoner, until tommorrow which will mark the end of operation Santa Claus and the end of Christmas on Mars!

Back at Kimar's house, everyone is looking for Dropo. They look high and low, but he is no where to be found. Santa comes in and tells them that his extra suit is missing. Kimar informs him that Dropo is also missing. Santa thinks he knows what has happened. Clearly Dropo took the suit and went back down to the factory to make more toys. They'll find him there. So he collects his slaves...I mean kids...I don't know why I keep doing that, and heads for the factory.

Hey you got bear in my doll!
Hey you got doll in my bear!

When they arrive, however, Dropo is no where to be found. But Santa can't be bothered with that, he has to make the toys. On come the machines and toys start to poor out. One problem, they are all mixed up. A bear comes out with a doll's head, and vice versa. The baseball bat comes out with a tennis racket on top. It's all craaaaaaaaaaaazy. The machine is all broken. Santa wants Bomar to call his father to come take a look at it.

Back in the cave they still haven't figured out that Dropo isn't the real Santa Claus. With the power of his hostage, Voldar plans to walk right into the toy shop and...I don't know what his plan is now. He has Santa, he has sabotaged the toy making machine, and ruined Christmas for everyone on Mars. He's won...or at least he thinks he has. No idea why he wants to go to the toy shop other then to gloat or something. As Voldar and his goons depart, he leaves one minion to guard Dropo Claus.

After Voldar departs, the goon activates the Nuclear Curtain. The dimwitted goon explains exactly how the curtain works to Dropo Claus, and then moves away from the controls with his back turned. How lucky for Dropo. He uses the chance to switch the control lights which show when the curtain is off or on. He then turns the curtain off and escapes, with Voldar's stooge too scared to follow because he thinks the curtain is still up.

Back at the workshop, Kimar has examined the toy machine and determined that it was sabotage that made the machine go haywire. He also suspects that Voldar has also kidnapped Dropo as well. Kimar storms out to find Dropo and bring Voldar to justice and lucky for him he runs right into Voldar at the entrance to the toy factory. Kimar quick draws his hair dryer on him. Voldar, however, just laughs it off. He has Santa Claus, and he'll be destroyed him if he doesn't do as he says. He then outlines his demand. First, the toy machine is to be destroyed. Second, Santa and the kids are to be sent back to Earth. Third, no more "Joy through toys on Mars." Man, what a blow hard.

Blow Dry and style?

Kimar caves in to the demands. Wha...What? But...and he has the...that's not the real...I don't get it. But it turns out that Kimar is just messing with them and he then reveals the real Santa in his workshop. They are really confused now. How did he escape the cave? And how did he change his appearance so radically, so that now he doesn't look like a Martian in a bad suit. It's uncanny! Kimar uses this confusion, to pull his gun on them again and forces them into a closet. Oh...I don't know if I like where this going.

Oh he is just going to lock them in the closet. Whew...I thought this was going to be something that Voldar would have to try to figure out with his therapist for many years to come. Upon hearing that Kimar plans to make him stand trial before the council, Voldar strikes knocking the gun from Kimars hand. After a breif fight, Kimar is knocked out cold.

Meanwhile in the workshop, Santa has finished repairing the toy making machine. He then sends Billy for some red paint, which of course is located in the very storage closet where Kimar now lays unconscious and Voldar and his goon plan their next move. As Billy approaches, he overhears the evil plans beyond the door. Voldar plans to kill Santa and smash the machine. Billy runs back into the workshop to warn Santa.

As Billy narcs out Voldar, Santa has a plan. He'll let Voldar play with his toys. Oh I hope that's not a metaphor for something. Nope. Turns out he meant it literally, for no sooner does does Voldar burst into the room then he begins to have toys of all kinds thrown at him from every direction. Marshmallow guns blaze away, their deadly projectiles finding their mark leaving no damage but only a sweet smell. Tin wind up toys advance on the fiend to fight for their right to exist. Oh and they beat him with baseball bats too.

Soon Dropo Claus arrives at the toy shop only to run right into Voldar's goon. Just as Dropo is about to get blasted, Kimar wakes up and emerges from the closet. He takes the weapon away and turns it on it's owner. He then forces him into the main workshop, where they find a defeated and crying Voldar. The prisoners are marched away to prison. As Dropo comes in, Santa hugs him and proclaims him his heir apparent and that now he will be the Santa Claus of Mars.

Dropo is preggers.

We now come to sad goodbyes. It's time for Santa, Billy, and Betty to return to Earth. Kimar and Momar thank Santa from bringing back happiness to the children, and the Christmas Spirit to all of Mars. Just then a fat Dropo Claus storms into the room, wishing everyone everyone a Merry Christmas. Doubting if Dropo's jelly belly is real, Kimar stabs him with a pin popping a the balloon under his coats. I am glad he was sure that was balloon, I hear bleeding out from the stomach is one of the longest and most painful way to die. Lucky for Dropo it was a balloon.

Santa sees this as the perfect time to beat feet and that if they hurry they might be able to get back in Earth in time for Christmas Eve. So the trio depart with one final Merry Christmas. We then see the rocket returning to Earth, as the first chords "Hooray for Santa Claus" strike up.

Santa and the kids return to earth where they are shot down by NORAD.

And thus "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" ends. And from us at B-Movie Blitzkrieg (which is just me), we wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Till next time, see you on the Frontline.

-Matt

And remember I can see you when you poop.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 2

When we left off last time Martians had come to Earth with intent to kidnap Santa Claus. Billy and Betty, become traitors to their world, and tell the Martians where to find Santa. For their trouble they also get kidnapped by the Martians and hauled off to the North Pole. There all caught up? Good...

So now Dropo is giving the kids a tour of the Martian spacecraft, just like all declared enemies of the Martian Empire are. So Dropo goes about pretty much telling them what every little button does and how to work it. I'm sure this won't backfire on him at all either. No, no, no.

Anyway, they get to a little light on the control panel that only blinks when someone is coming up the elevator. And wouldn't you know it, it starts to blink as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Dropo has to quickly hide the kids, so he shoves them into the Radar Box. I bet it smelled something awful of Dropo in there too considering he rode the whole from Mars to Earth in there. Probably smells like Martian feet in there. Which smells just like Earth feet, only green.

No sooner has the kids shut the lid on the Radar Box, then the whole crew comes piling into the bridge. Voldar uses this chance to once again show us how much of an asshat he is by bullying poor old Dropo. The rest of the crew prepare to land at Santa's Workshop. As they land, Kimar commands Dropo to guard the kids and make sure they don't leave the ship. Kimar then says he is going to take Torg with him to make sure they capture Santa. We aren't told who Torg is, but he must be a big gun of some kind since Voldar doesn't think they need him to capture a "Rolly Polly Little Man like Santa Claus." His words, not mine.

As the Martians leave, Billy and Betty emerge from their hiding spot. Feeling guilt for spilling the beans about Santa, they plan to get off the ship and warn Santa. But first Billy trashes the Radar Box, so that if the Martians get off Earth, they'll have whole U.S. Space Force after them. Which at this point in history were a couple of space capsules on top of rockets that could barely make it to the Moon. I'm sure they'll live in fear of that.

So the children make their way out of the ship and run randomly into the ice covered wasteland of the North Pole. Well I guess Voldar doesn't have to worry, because Billy and Betty will be dead in fifteen minutes. No sooner have they disappeared into the white desolation of snow (fancy right), then the Martians emerge from the ship as well, but wait...Voldar isn't with them. Kimar demands to know where Voldar is. Just as he demands this, Voldar himself appears.

Kimar begins to berate Voldar for always working against him. He then warns him to stay away from the children. Guess Voldar is also a pedophile or something. Voldar however laughs this off and then informs Kimar that the kids have escaped! Fearing that the children will warn Santa, he orders that they be found. As the Martians spread out to look for them, Kimar orders Torg out of the ship. We still don't get to see what he looks like. I like to imagine that he is a tentacle rape monster. But that's just me.

Thanks to global warming...men in polar bear suits will soon be extinct.

Voldar quickly picks up the kids trail, and so they jump into an ice cave to hide. Course the kids forgot to wipe away their footprints and they lead him right to the cave. As Voldar is about to discover them, a loud grow comes from behind him. He turns, his hair dryer at the ready, only to discover a huge, rabid, monstrous, MAN IN A POLAR BEAR SUIT!!! Voldar of course backs off, because he's seen CSI and knows what Furries do to you. This Furry, however, isn't picky though. If he can't have Voldar, then he'll take some little kids! Lucky for Billy and Betty, he can't get his mascot sized head into the cave. After a few tries, the Furry gives up and leaves.

Oh no Billy...I don't want to be killed by a water heater.

As Billy and Betty sit and freeze to death and complain about their fate, they suddenly see lights in the distance. It must be Santa's workshop right? I mean what else could it be? A giant freaking robot that's what else it could be! This is Torg. I have to admit I'm disappointed it's not a tentacle rape monster, but you can't win them all. Billy and Betty just stand there as Torg takes like three hours to get to them and then captures them in a giant bear hug. Of course Voldar is first on the scene and orders the robot to kill the kids. Guess he never hear of Asimov's three laws of robotics.

Kimar arrives, and tells Voldar that Torg has been set to only obey because he knew Voldar would try something like that. Kimar the orders the kids locked up, so they can't stop them from getting to Santa Claus. They then depart for Santa's workshop.

The very specific fetish of Santa voyeurisms

When they arrive, they surround the workshop. After making sure the fat man is at home by peeping through his window, Kimar orders Torg into the workshop to capture Santa Claus.

I am looking for Sara Conner.

So Torg comes busting into Santa's workshop and starts ripping heads off Elves left and right. Blood is everywhere! And then he blast Santa with his laser eyes and the old man turns into charred bones and then he breaks all the toys...Ok, that didn't happen. Torg just walks in and picks up an elf, gently by the way, that got in his way and then walks up to Santa and that's it. Santa thinks he is a big toy and treats him as such and that's exactly what he ends up turning into.

Seeing their giant robot fail, the Martians burst in hair dryers in hand. After "freezing" a few Elves and Mrs. Claus too, they force Santa to come with them. And I just want to raise the question of why Santa Claus is wearing short sleeves? It has nothing to do with the plot here, but he is wearing his full out fur lined red suit, but it has short sleeves. It's just strange is all. Anyway, Santa comes along without much of a fight.

The news quickly spreads around the world that Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Martians. Seems Mrs. Claus, after she was unfrozen, went straight to the Po-Po. That raises the question of why they bothered to kidnap the kids? Wasn't it to keep them from going to the police? Why didn't they take everyone from the North Pole to Mars? Or just freeze and leave the kids? You know I'm starting to think this might just be a weak plot point to get the kids to Mars.

Oh kids. It looks like we are going to be here a while, and Santa has certain urges...

On board the Martian space craft, it turns out Santa has already begun to corrupt the crew with really corny jokes. Here is the one that did them in: "What is soft and round, and you put it on a stick and toast it in a fire...and it's green?" Give up? "A Martianmellow." That's the kind of thinking that brings down regimes. Mao would have had him shot for less then that.

Meanwhile Santa is trying to keep up the kids good cheer by telling them about how he almost died during the war. But it's not possible to cheer Billy and Betty up, they are just now having remorse for the fact that the lead the Martians right to his door step. But Santa forgives them. I mean everyone knows where Santa Claus lives. Yeah, everyone but Martians...which is who they told. You are being too easy on them Saint Nick. Too easy.

Anyway, Dropo comes in just then with their food pills. And what are they having tonight? Soup, Beef Stew, Chocolate Ice Cream, and Extenze! Man they sure eat crazy on Mars. Thing is the kids aren't hungry...and they don't want four hour erections either. Dropo asks if he can have them, because not only is he hungry but he has a hot date later tonight.

Voldar the Barbarian

After finding out that the kids have sabotaged the Radar Box, Voldar flies into a rage and heads down to deal with the kids. Under the guise of giving them yet another tour of the ship, Voldar tricks Santa and the kids into the ships airlock. Why did they willing go into an airlock with a guy they know wants to kill them? Cause they are idiots that is why.

The countdown clock to having their blood freeze and their eyeballs explode is clicking away on the wall, Santa quickly tries to find a way out of his. He finds a vent that leads out of the room. On the bridge Voldar watches the controls as the airlock is vented to space, killing those pesky kids and their Santa too.

Kimar burst in to ask who is in the airlock, and this smart ass Voldar comes back with "No one...now." Putting two and two together, Kimar figures out what Voldar has done and thus follows the epic fight. It's hard to give you a blow by blow of this, but I will try my best.

BAM! POW! PUNCH! THROW! CHOKE! CRASH! FALL! PUNCH! POW! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!

And that's pretty much how it went down. I know you can just see it in your mind's eye now.

Anyway Kimar won or course. Just then Santa and the kids enter the bridge. Only one thing could have happened. They died and now they are GHOSTS!!!! Wait...no, Santa saved them by using his magical powers to slip slide up the air vent and out of the airlock. Voldar is sent to the brig. He'll stand trial for what he did. Attempted murder of a fictional character.

However, when they go to get Voldar from brig, after landing, they find Dropo tied up on the bed instead. I'm sure Voldar somehow tricked Dropo into some weird David Carradin like stuff, and then escaped. Only logical thing that could have happened. Anyway, now Voldar is on the loose and he still has it in for Santa. Voldar will return in "The Living Daylights."

I'm Santa Bitch!

But Santa has more important work then tracking down Voldar. He has to start bringing happiness to the children of Mars starting with Kimar's own kids. After all the quicker he fixes them, the quicker Kimar can get back to acting like they don't exist. But before the Martian kids can meet Santa they have to meet Billy and Betty. Billy has to teach Bomar how to shake hand. Thing is shaking is a dirty hand gesture on Mars for doing something to inappropriate to your mother. Ok, I made that last part up.

Then the big man himself shows up and the Martian kids just stare in wonder...or confusion. I don't know which. They look the same those two. Actually, I bet it's confusion. Santa breaks the tension by just laughing. He doesn't tell a joke, or even fart. He just starts laughing. Then everyone else nervously follows suite. After the kids fall asleep from laughing all day, Santa says he wants to set up his workshop as quickly as possible, so he can get all the toys done and he can return to Earth for Christmas. But Kimar puts on his Captain Bring-down hat and tells Santa that he will never return to Earth, that he belongs to Mars now....

DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Will Santa get back to Earth? Will Voldar get his revenge? Will the Wizard ever give Dropo a brain? You'll have to tune in for the final chapter of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Till next time, see you on the frontline.

-Matt.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 1.

It's a Christmas miracle! A B-Movie review on the B-Movie Blitzkrieg! Alright, Alright...but don't go getting use to it. See this is a special occasion. It's Christmas! And what better way to celebrate the season with possibly the best bad movie about it. 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Now this movie is kinda famous. Most notably for being featured in a season three of Mystery Science Theater. After that this movie got a real strong cult following and I've seen it shown the last couple Christmas as a late night movie. In fact this movie has been running on TCM this year. I, however, own the movie. Both the MST3K version and regular, so I don't have to wait till Christmas Eve to see it.

Conquers is used very loosely here.

The movie starts out with the super catchy Santa Claus Conquers the Martians theme song: "Hooray for Santa Claus". I'll even go out on a limb and say that this is actually more catchy then the theme from Zorro. But I'll just let you be the judge:

Santa plays it up for the mass media

The movie opens on two Martian children, you know they are Martians because they are green, watching Earth TV. It's good to see that even on Mars they use the TV as a babysitter for their children. And what program are they watching? Why the news of course, because all kids love the news. Although kids might like this news more since we are about to see a exclusive interview with none other then Santa Claus himself. That's a pretty good scope right there. I bet Babara Walter was as jealous as a pig in...well you know the rest.

After a flurry of jokes from our firmly in the closet field reporter Andy about how cold it is, we actually get to the main event; an interview with the big man himself, Santa Claus. Although Santa Claus seems to have got into the wacky weed before he went on camera. He can't even remember the names of his own Reindeer. Even going so far as to call one of them "Nixon". This little exchange is interrupted by Mrs. Claus, who is riding Santa's ass about getting stuff done for Christmas. That is until she finds out she is on TV. Then she gets so excited that I think she may have climaxed, and runs off to change her underwear. Santa then shows Andy all the toys they are making, including a doll of a Martian.

This is Dropo...he's retarded.

We now turn back to Mars where we find Kimar, king of the Martians. He's got a cape...that's how you know he is the king. Kimar is looking for someone named Dropo, and he finds him sleeping under the table. So of course he does the only sensible and logical thing and wakes him up with a "tickle ray" that he just happens to have laying around. No doubt to use on Momar (his wife) after the kids go to bed. Dropo seems to be some kind of live-in slave or something, but not a very good one. As Kimar notes, he is "The Laziest Man on Mars."

Anyway this whole scene is just set up to ask Dropo where Momar is. Turns out she is out buying food pills. See you know they are more advanced then us because they eat their food in pill form and that's always the sign of highly evolved life. Actually, I wouldn't mind eating food in pill form. It'd be a lot easier to eat healthy if I didn't have to worry about how it tastes.

Anyway, turns out the kids haven't been eating. Kimar of course blames the Earth programs rather then his poor ass parenting skills. Yep, that's called transference. And when he demands to see his kids, he finds out they are watching Earth Programs right now. He stomps into to find his to children, the girl Gomar, and the boy Bomar, sitting like little zombies trying to figure out complex issues of life. Like "What is a doll?" or "Tender Loving Care." Course Kimar handles their clear cut ignorance and depression in the best way possible...by berating them, and forcing them to go to bed at like 4 in the afternoon. And when they don't instantly fall asleep he uses a sleep spray on them, which is conveniently controlled from his belt.

I don't know. The purpose of all this seems to be to show how bad Mars is, but whole meals in pill form, tickle rays, and a spray that makes bratty kids instantly go to sleep. Sounds pretty awesome to me. I may just have to move to Mars and conquer them myself. If Santa left anyone alive after his blood thirsty conquest that is.

While all this is going on, Momar returns with many new food pills from the store. She got hamburger, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, chocolate layer cake, and Vicadan. Now that's a meal! Kimar doesn't give two craps about Momar's day. Instead he is still mad and wants to complain about the kids. Seems kids all over Mars aren't acting like good little robots anymore and this is problem. Momar suggests that he go see Chochem, apparently a wise old dude. Kimar gathers his council chiefs and heads off to find Chochem.

Suck it in...and ACTION!

When we get to a place called Chochem's Chair, which I guess it where Chochem lives or at least his chair, we see that the council is already there. Voldar, the guy in the middle in the pic above, quickly singles himself out as a total douche, by generally just being a total dick to everyone. Kimar arrives and calls on Chochem to appear, and he does so in a puff of smoke just like a ninja.

Here it comes thunder bucket!

Chochem seems to be like a green, senile, Merlin with no cool powers. Despite this, Kimar puts the question of the children of Mar's condition to him. Chochem knows what is wrong with the children, they aren't being allowed to be children. He goes into a huge rant here on his soap box here. I'm sure was some kind of manifesto against modern society, but I'll be honest I didn't hear any of it. I was too busy looking at Chochem's lazy eye. Anyway, the solution is clear. They need a Santa Claus on Mars!

There is only one problem. There is only one Santa Claus and he is on Earth. Voldar is happy about that, he doesn't want any silly Santa Claus on Mars anyway. But Kimar has other ideas, he is going to kidnap Santa Claus! Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!

So the Martians blast off for Earth. When they reach Earth's orbit, they been to scan for signs of Santa. Soon they find many Santa Claus' on earth. One on each street corner, ringing bells. Surely if Earth has this many Santas, they can spare just one. So they prepare to land and do their dirty deed.

Meanwhile, the Earth's military (IE: Only the US of A. WOOOOO USA!!!!) have started to track the Martins in Earth orbit. Back on board the space craft, the Martians detect the Earth's radar and go to turn on the Radar Shield to prevent this. There is a problem though, the shield doesn't work! A quick check of the Radar Box, determines the problem. And the problem has a name and it is D-R-O-P-O. Dropo has stowed away inside the box, because he has never seen earth before. After pulling Dropo's sorry ass out of the box, the radar shield is working again, and they make their descent towards Earth.

Earth Children are easy.

Meanwhile, two small children are lost in the middle of the snow covered woods and are about to starve to death or be eaten by a wolf or something. Well no, not really. But Young Billy and Betty are just sort of hanging out in the woods without any parents around. Betty is listening to the news reports about the Martian craft spotted in orbit, which is now clearly a meteor or swap gas, or the planet Venus, but Billy just wants to sleep. I don't think it's wise for Billy to go to sleep in the middle of the woods in freezing temperatures. I think that might be the first sign of hypothermia. Lucky for Billy, Betty isn't giving up on this whole Martian thing. Anyway, she pesters Billy enough that he asks her what she'd do if she actually saw a Martian, and right on cue three Martians arrive and Betty screams like a little girl. I mean she is a little girl, but still...it's kinda a wuss thing to do.

The kids adjust to the shock of making first contact with an Alien race pretty quickly though and begin to ask questions about the Martian's antenna. After Kimar answers their question, and Voldar calls them stupid, they get down to business and demand to know where Santa Claus is. Billy and Betty then commit high treason, by telling the Martians that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. There will be a firing squad waiting for Billy and Betty when they get home.

Kimar, having used his masterful integration tactic of simply asking where Santa Claus is, plans to let the children go now that he knows where the fat man whereabouts. Voldar, earning his douche status, has other plans. He wants to bring the children with them not only to the North Pole, but to Mars it's self. His argument is that they will tell the authorities that Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians. Because if two children stumbled into Police station with a tale of Aliens kidnapping Santa Claus, I'm sure they'd be taken completely seriously. So they grab the kids and head for the North Pole to kidnap Santa.

That ends part one, be sure to check in next time for part two where we will see see giant robots, man eating polar bears, and Voldar makes his move.

Till then, see you next time on the frontline.

-Matt

All I Want For Christmas...(Unattainable Edition)

Christmas is the season of giving......screw that though. You don't want to hear that. I mean I could go on about how much I put in the little red buckets, or how I put stuff in the Toys For Tots boxes every year, but a whole post about that would make me look like a narcissistic tool. So we won't be doing that. Instead I'm going in a whole other narcissistic way and tell you what I want for Christmas.

Now I could go on and tell you I need a new pair of Chuck Taylor All Stars, or the latest Mystery Science Theater 3000 box set. But if Christmas Movies starring Vince Vaughn have taught me anything, it is that Christmas is also a time of miracles. So I thought I'd make my list completely unobtainable things. Things no person could give me for Christmas unless they where super rich or had god like powers. I think Santa falls into both those categories. So this is for you Red Man....not the rapper, the mythical guy.

O.K. Here we go.



5. To Live Someplace Warm


I have lived in Missouri my entire 30 years of life. I got nothing against Missouri, but it gets rather nippy here in the winter. I know it's nothing like say Canada, but it is colder then I'd like for my own personal comfort. So wish number one, or rather five since we are counting down here, would be to move someplace warm.

I'm not really talking about an island tropical paradise here. That's not a requirement. Oddly the requirement is something like being able to play Mini-Golf in Dec. If Go-Kart tracks are still open in January, then that place will work.

That sounds like I'm not being picky, but really I am. I want to stay in the US. So a nice beach villa in Mexico is out. I don't want to live someplace that gets earthquakes. That puts California out. I don't want to live where I could get blown away by a Hurricane. So that leaves out most of the southern east coast and gulf coast. I don't want to live someplace near and active volcano. So no Hawaii. So you see how I've limited myself there. But I'm sure a place exists out there that might fill that void.

Course this does kinda go against my Celtic blood. My forefathers lived in the crappiest places they could find. That's why we are all pale and hairy. And I actually do well in the cold, it doesn't bother me. Again, I give full credit to the DNA. I can live someplace cold, it wouldn't kill me. It's just kind of a mild annoyance, and if I could avoid it I will.



4. A Degree in Film


I'll be honest, I'm only trying to make my way as an author because I never had the chance to work with film. I would have loved to write and direct my own movies. I've always been a more visual person. Problem was I was a poor kid living in Missouri. Had I been a rich kid living in Southern California, when you'd probably being complaining about how crappy that latest Matt Clemmons flick was right now.

Now, one could try to get into a good film school like USC, but that takes money. I had the test scores, but not the dollar, dollar bills to make that happen. There are programs at schools around here, but most of them were pretty pathetic. And even if they weren't, they were mostly at Universities I couldn't afford. So off I went to State Fair Community College to study Architectural Drafting. It was what I could afford. After a year of that I knew it wasn't for me, but it took a few more years to figure out what I really wanted to do.

If my books were doing well, and I had the time to take a few years off, I'd probably go back to school to get a degree in something. It really bothers me I don't have one. Not that I think it would really help me that much as an author. It'd be more for my own piece of mind thing. The degree I'd try to get would either be in Literature (doubtful), or the aforementioned Film.




3. An Aston Martin DB9


Look at that car. That is sexy right there. If I saw me driving that car, I'd have sex with me. And I'd do it good too.

I think every man deep down wants a super car. Be it a 69 Charger, or a Bugatti Veyron. Every guy wants one. There does seem to be the misconception that if I guy owns something like this that it means either 1.) He is going through a mid-life crisis, or 2.) He is small in the pants. This isn't true. It's just those guys NEED a car like this. Where as most other guys just want a car like this and just never have it. They don't need it to get laid, but they wouldn't turn it away if it was offered to them either.

And of course for me there is the fact that Aston Martin and James Bond go hand and hand. I mean Bond has driven a DB-something in several of the movies, most famously the DB5 in Goldfinger. DBs have also showed up in Thunderball, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, The Living Daylights, Goldeneye, Die Another Day, Casino Royale, and Quantum of Solace. And James Bond even drove a DB Mark 3 in the novel of Goldfinger. Although none of these cars where a DB9, the Vanquish and DBS from the last three films share the body type of the DB9.




2. This Big Ass House


Who doesn't want a big ass house? I mean really. This house, which is called Balmoral after a castle in Scottland, is over 22,188 square feet and has 13 bedrooms. (I know the site says 12..but the 13th is called a Stateroom. This is to avoid having 13 bedrooms, which is seen as bad luck). But I didn't pick this quaint little cottage as my dream house because of that. No, I wanted a house with a indoor pool. See I like to swim, but I've never once in my life had a pool at my home. So to make up for that, when I'm loaded I wanted to swim 365 days a year, rain or shine. Hence the indoor pool. And houses that have that feature tend to be on the large size.

But the pool wasn't the only reason. I also loved that it looked like a Castle. I mean come on, tell me as a kid you never wanted to live in castle. You didn't? You dirty liar. Nothing personal, I just call them as I see them and you is lying girlfriend. Really, my ancestors actually built castles. So I guess it's in my blood, like how I want to make sweet love to Karen Gillan down by the fire...What? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I want this house.



1. Success as a Writer


Yeah, I did use a hand full of cash to represent success as a writer. It's not as shallow as it seems really. A novelist is generally judged a success by two things. One, good reviews. And two, how much money it makes. And here is a little secret you might not know, when you have the latter the first one doesn't matter so much. So really a hand full of cash is a good representation of it I think.

The best thing about this great Christmas wish, is that pretty much all the other stuff on this list could be achieved if this one came true. I wouldn't need the power of the Claus to make it happen.

The sad thing about this wish is that it's completely in my own hands. The only person holding me back from having this, is me. Now look what you made me do, I depressed myself. I hope you are happy with yourself.

I'm going to be completely honest here, there is a wish I have that is greater then Success but it's private so I won't be telling you about it. So quit asking. Although wish number 1, might also make this possible. I really should get to work on that, shouldn't I? I mean I'm not getting any younger.

You know looking back my list it does seem a little materialistic, but it's not really. Well, O.K. the giant house and car are, but the rest aren't really. I mean the someplace warm thing, just means I want to be comfortable. The Film School just means I want I share my vision with people, and the Success thing just means I want to leave my mark in the world. See not materialistic at all...but it would be pretty awesome to have that house and car.

-Matt

Should I rename this blog?

Just posing a questions to my very few readers. I really don't review B-Movies as much as I use too. In fact I haven't reviewed one since Zorro. So should I change it so it's not so specific? And if so what should I change it too?


And is this a cop-out update? Yes...yes it is.