Prince of Space (1959)

The B-Movie Blitzkrieg is back from a little extended break. It was an unintentional one as I came down sick, and then the events in Japan kept me glued to the TV, not watching bad movies, but looking for any news on the disaster there. And it was that time watching the suffering in Japan that made me decide to do a whole week of Japanese movies.

And all this week as I review these movies I'm going to be putting up links to charities that can where you the reader can help out the victims in Japan.

So if you enjoy today's review, and want to help be sure to text REDCROSS to 90999 to give a ten dollar donation. You can also donate directly at the Red Cross's website at http://www.american.redcross.org

Now on to today's movie: Prince of Space.

Synopsis: When the evil Phantom of Krankor decides to invade Earth it's up to the alien super hero Prince of Space to stop him and raise two adopted kids as his mild mannered alter ego shoe shine boy.

If I could sum up this movie with one single sentence it would be "Your weapons have no effect one me." Because that's what our hero says constantly all through this movie. Thing is he still ducks and dodges when people shoot at him. Apparently these lines about the weapons having no effect were not in the Japanese version of the film. Why they were added to the English dub is anyone's guess.

This movie great. I really love this kind of Japanese cinema. Be they giant monster movies, or the super hero fair like today, they are almost always more fun then their American counterparts. The Japanese have turned these style of a movies into a science, a formulaic science, but a science none-the-less.

Prince of Space gets a 5 out of 5 on the Cheese-O-Meter.

Until next time, see you on the front line.

-Matt

The Amazing Transparent Man (1960)

No, it's not the Invisible Man, it's his cheaper cousin The Amazing Transparent Man.

Synopsis: A crazed former Army man, breaks a master safe cracker out of prison. In exchange for his freedom, the safe cracker must steal nuclear material for him in order to make a army of invisible soldier to take over the world. To make sure the theft succeeds, he turns him invisible as well.
This movie is O.K. for an Invisible Man rip off, course it does amount to just a bunch of people talking to thin area while the actor shouts his lines at them from off camera. This is one of those great Atom Age movies. You know where everyone and their cousin either grew 50 feet, turned invisible, or became an unstoppable monster, thanks to good old  nuclear radiation. Now we know it just gives you the power  to die of cancer, but back then all things where possible with the help of the atom.

I'd suggest this movie to anyone that is interested in this area of films and all it's one of kind monster movies. In my opinion the 50's and 60's where the golden age of B-Movies and this film is a good example of exactly those kinds of films. If they wrote a text book on how to make these movies, this one would be right out of it. That isn't to say it doesn't have it's drawbacks. It's slow, and a little on the hard to swallow side at times. The effects where bad even for the time, let alone looking at them now. Course of that is to be expected from a B-movie. It's also more of a prison break and blackmail movie, then it is a Sci-Fi film.

The Amazing Transparent Man gets a 3 out 5 on the Cheese-O-Meter.

Until next time, see you on the front line.

-Matt

The Killer Shrews (1959)

"I'm Gonna cuff'em and stuff'em!" I so wish James Best had broke this line out when fighting The Killer Shrews. This movie also has has Festus from Gun Smoke, so if Best had broke out that line then I guess he would have had to have gone "Matthew!"

Synopsis: When a boat captain delivers supplies to a research facility on a lonely island, he becomes trapped with the rest of the researchers. Between him and his boat and escape are hundred of genetically altered giant shrews that are now starving and the only food left on the island are the humans.
This is one of those lesson movies that were big in the fifties and sixties. All kinds of messages about stuff like overpopulation and messing with nature. I will admit that this movie isn't that bad, but half the time I think the lesson might be on the evils of drink, since they are boozing it up about one very fifteen minutes. I don't know about you but if I was fighting for my life against giant shrews that would tear me open and eat me alive, the last thing I'd want to be was plastered.

The Screaming Skull (1958)

Did you know that if you die from fright while watching the Screaming Skull, that the producers will actually pay for your funeral? Don't worry though, that's not going to happen cause this movie isn't scary.

Synopsis: When Eric and his new wife Jenni move into the house that was shared by Eric and his first wife, who died at the home, Jenni begins to see and hear the ghostly Screaming Skull and believes she is being tormented by Eric's dead wife. 

If I could describe this movie in one word it wouldn't be frightening, or scary, or spine tingling (wait, that's two words), it would be boring. This move drags like Ru Paul. I zoned out after about the first fifteen minutes of this movie. I had to force myself to pay attention so I could write this review.

On top of being boring, it's also not all that scary. I mean maybe this is like 1958 scary or something. Maybe it didn't take as much scare people to death back then. I mean I remember hearing that people passed out watching The Exorcist, and I just can't imagine that either. I guess it could be the times. It's also just as possible that this movie was never scary to start with.

Screaming Skull gets 2 out 5 on the Cheese-O-Meter.

Until next time, see you on the front line.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Well I'm breaking my own rules. I said I didn't want to review movies that where already done by Mystery Science Theater 3000, but that really limits what I can do. That show had almost 200 episode and they did some of the best B-Movies out there. So, I figured if I was going to start reviewing movies done by MST3K then I should start with the 900lb Gorilla of them all...Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Synopsis: A couple and their young child become lost while looking for a place called Valley Lodge and instead end up in the house of the Master of the evil cult of Manos, and his servant Torgo. The couple desperately try to escape, but there is no escape from the hands of fate. 

This movie has been called the worst movie ever made several times. It's not. I've seen far worse then this movie. It's bad, but not the end all beat all of B-Movies. Off the top of my head I can think of two movies, Monster a Go-Go, and Curse of the Headless Horseman, that are worse then Manos, and I'm sure there are several others as well. Despite not being the worse, Manos is still a must see for anyone who loves bad movies. Which is easy to do as the movie is in public domain, so there are tons of companies that market a DVD of this movie.

Manos: The Hands of Fate gets a 5 out 5 on the Cheese-O-Meter

Until next time, see you on the front line.

-Matt

Movies in the Vault

I know a lot of people wonder where the movies I review come from. What? No one wonders that? Well too damn bad...I'm going to tell you anyway. Bad movies aren't hard to find. I usually find mine in large and cheap multi-packs of movies. You know...like 50 movies for 15 bucks. Hell I just bought a 16 movie pack for $2.50. Normally these things are full of stink burgers that would be perfect for review on this blog. However, not every movie will work. They have to have a certain feel, but I'll get to that in a moment.

The second place I find these movies, usually in single of double feature packs are at dollar stores and similar low budget general stories (Big Lots, Dollar Junction, Dollar General, etc.) Also, Wal-Mart use to have a $1 movie section usually near the checkout. That was a good place to look as well, but they have recently gotten rid of those at my local wally worlds.

Now, as I said above not all movies you get will work for something like this blog. There has to be a certain silly or outrageous nature about a movie for it to be really good for something like this. Something like a strange plot, funny visuals, a funny looking monster, just something strange. A lot times you get a movie that isn't really bad, but just so old that people have forgot about it and it has lapsed into public domain. Then there is also the odd movie that was bad, but not for the right reasons. You sometimes get a gore and nuddy fest, with no plot and bad acting. It's bad, but not in that silly "Can you believe someone actually made this?" kind of way.

So really it's like 1 out of every 15 movies I watch is a winner. For every "Star Odyssey" there are 14 "Werewolf Woman"s in there. I also have the self imposed limitation of not doing any movie that was riffed in Mystery Science Theater 3000, Film Crew, Riff Trax, or Cinematic Titanic. That cuts out more movies then you'd think.

Anyway, below I've composed a list of all the movies that I consider in the B-Movie Vault (I.E. Could be reviewed on this blog). Although like I said not all will work, and some have already been riffed. Anyway, here is the list:

Red=Riffed by Mystery Science Theater 3000
Blue=Riffed by Film Crew
Green=Riffed by Riff Trax
Yellow=Riffed by Cinematic Titanic
*=Already Reviewed

Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens
Alien Contamination
Alien Species
Alien Zone
All the Kind Strangers
Alpha Incident
Amazing Transparent Man
Ape Man, The
Assignment: Outer Space
Astral Factor
Atom Age Vampire
Atomic Brain
Atomic Rulers of the World
Attack From Space
Attack of the Monsters (Although with as different dub as Gamera vs. Guiron)
Avenger, The
Bat, The
Battle of the Worlds
Beast From Haunted Cave
Beast of the Yellow Night
Beast of Yucca Flats
Blood Tide
Bloodfight
Bloodlust!
Bluebeard
Bodyguard, The
Bowery at Midnight
Brain Machine
Brain That Wouldn’t Die, The
Bride of the Gorilla
Bruce Lee "The Man, The Myth"
Bruce Lee Fight Back From the Grave
Bruce Lee: The Invincible
Cabinet if Dr. Caligari
Champ Against Champ
Chloe, Love is Calling You
Choice of Weapons
Circus of Fear
Cold Room
Colossus and the Amazon Queen
Condemned to Live
Cosmos: War of the Planets
Counterblast
Crash of the Moons
Creature of the Haunted Sea
Creeper, The
Creepers
Crimes at the Dark House
Crimes of Stephen Hawke
Crippled Masters
Crypt of the Living Dead
Curse of the Headless Horseman
Day the Sky Exploded, The
Dead Men Walk
Death by Dialogue
Death Warmed Up
Destroy All Planets
Devil Bat
Devil Monster
Devil’s Daughter
Devil’s Messenger
Devil’s Panther
Disappearance of Flight 412
Don’t Look in The Basement
Don’t Open Till Christmas
Doomsday Machine
Dragon Lee VS. The Five Brothers
Duel of Champions
Eegah!
Embryo
End of the World
Eternal Evil
Evel Knievel
Evil Brain From Outer Space
Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe, The
First Action Hero
First Spaceship on Venus
Fists of Bruce Lee
Frozen Alive
Fury of the Wolf Man, The
Galaxy Invader
Gammera the Invincible
Ghost Walks, The
Giant Gila Monster, The
Giants of Marathons, The
Giants of Rome
Giants of Thessaly, The
Goliath and the Sins of Babylon
Good Against Evil
Guy with the Secret of Kung Fu, The
Hands of Steel
Head, The
Hercules Against the Mongols
Hercules Against the Moon Men
Hercules and the Captive Women
Hercules and the Masked Rider
Hercules and the Princess of Troy
Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon
Hercules Unchained
Herod The Great
High Risk
Hitch-hiker, The
Horror of the Zombies
Horrors of Spider Island
House of Danger
House of Mystery
House of Secrets
House of the Living Dead
House on Haunted Hill
How Awful About Alan
Idaho Transfer
Image of Bruce Lee
Incredible Petrified World
Indestructible Man
Invasion of the Bee Girls
Island Monster
Karate Cop
Killers From Space
Kong Island
Kung Fu Fever
Kung Fu From Beyond the Grave*
Kung Fu, Punch of Death
Kung Fu: The Invisible Fist
L.A. Streetfighters
Laser Mission
Last Man on Earth, The
Legacy of Blood
Legend of Bigfoot
Legend of the 8 Samurai
Long Hair of Death
Lost City, The
Lost Jungle, The
Lost World
Lucifer Complex
Maciste in Hell
Mama Dracula
Man with Two Lives
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Manster, The
Master, The (As Master Ninja 1 on MST3K.)
Mean Johnny Barrows
Menace from Outer Space
Mesa of the Lost Women
Midnight Phantom
Midnight Shadow
Midnight Warning, The
Mistress of Atlantis
Mole Men against the Sons of Hercules
Monster From a Prehistoric Planet
Monster Maker, The
Moon of the Wolf
Murder in the Red Barn
Murder Mansion
Nabonga
Never Too Late
Night Evelyn Came Out of The Grave, The
Night Fright
Night of the Blood Beast
Night Tide
Night Train to Terror
Nightmare Castle
Nightmare Never Ends
One Frightened Night
Panic
Passengers to Bali, A
Phantom Express
Phantom From Space
Phantom of Soho
Phantom Planet
Phantom, The
Piranha, Piranha
Planet Outlaws
Prehistoric Women
Prisoner of the Lost Universe
Project Kill
Queen of the Amazons
Rage of the Master
Rattlers
Real Bruce Lee, The
Real Bruce Lee, The
Return of Dr. Mabuse
Return of the Street Fighter
Revolt of the Zombies
Ring of Terror
Robot Pilot
Rogues Tavern
Sadist, The
Santa Claus Conquers the Martins*
Satanic Rites of Dracula, The
Savage Weekend
Scared to Death
Screaming Tigers, The
Second Chance
Shadow of Chinatown
Shaloin Deadly Kicks
Shaolin Temple
She Beast, The
She Gods of Shark Reef
Shock
Sisters of Death
Slave of the Cannibal God
Snake Crane Secret
Snow Creature
Snowbeast
Son of Hercules: Land of Darkness
Sound of Horror
Spare Parts
Spartacus and Ten Gladiators
Star Odyssey
Strange Adventure, A
Strangers of the Evening
Street Fighter
Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Sword of Lancelot, The
Tales of Frankenstein
Teenage Zombies
Teenagers From Outer Space
Terror at Red Wolf Inn
Terror Creatures from the Grave
They
They Came from Beyond Space
This is Not a Test
Torture Ship
Trauma
UFO: Target Earth
Unknown World
Unsane
Vampire’s Night Orgy
Voodoo Black Exorcist
Voyage to Planet of Prehistoric Women
Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet
Walking Nightmare
War of the Robots
Warning From Space
Warriors of the Wasteland
Wasp Woman
Werewolf of Washington
Werewolf Woman
White Gorilla
White Pongo
Wild Women of Wongo
Zorro*

Well there you have it. Now this list may grow as I find more movies...and will shrink as I watch them and figure out if they are good for review or not. But really I just wanted to brag about how big my collection. Yeah...pretty big right? Anyway...till next time, see you on the front line.

-Matt

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 3

Previously on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians...

We found out that the Martians wanted a Santa Claus. Instead of coming up with their own, they kidnap ours. Also in the process they end up with young Billy and Betty in tow as well. One of the Martians, Voldar, doesn't want Santa on Mars at all and tries to kill Santa and the kids. He fails and is arrested for his attempt, but quickly escapes. Santa on the other hand, finds out that is going to be a permanent resident of Mars.

Voldar rolling it like the Taliban...in a cave.

We now join Voldar, ranting and raving to his gang of underlings in a cave. You can always depend on bad guys to find a good cave to hide in. Be it the simple cave of terrorists, or the super mega hollowed out volcano of Bond villains, bad guys just love to be underground. Wait...I like to be underground too. Oh man, I must be a villain. Guess I need to start looking for a arch-nemesis.

Suddenly, another of Voldar's minions enters the cave. He has been acting as a spy in Santa's new workshop. Turns out the shop has been turning out tons of toys for the kids of Mars thanks to Kimar's new automated assembly line. Voldar now comes up with a new plan. If he can't kill Santa, he'll discredit him.

Santa doesn't have anything against child labor.

Back at the workshop the toy making machines are going full blast, and Santa has got Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar helping him. He isn't even paying them. Santa is writing it off as an internship on his taxes, but we all know that's not what is going on. He is pulling at full out Kathy Lee...for reals.

Dropo enters the workshop with another load of letters for Santa from all the boys and girls of Mars. It turns out that all the girls and boys on Mars only want either a Ball, a Bat, a Doll, A Train, a Car, or something I can't read but it starts with a T, since those are the only doors on the machine. I don't see any Xbox or Wii door on there. Man, Martian kids are easy to buy for. After a busy day of pushing buttons, Santa calls quitting time. I mean sixteen hours of back breaking work is more then enough for four pre-teens right?

As they leave Dropo begins to admire an extra Santa suit that is hanging near the door. Santa tells him that Lady Momar made it for him. Dropo wants to try it on, but Santa says he is far too skinny. I think Santa just didn't want to share pants with Dropo. He has gotten around that he has the crabs...and the clap...and genital warts...Dropo loves the red light district of Mars.

Santa returns to Kimar's house with his slaves...I mean kids. Turns out he had to call it day cause his finger was tired. Yeah, that happened to me once too. The kids, as a reward for their 16 hour day, get a Milk Pill and a half hour to play before they have to go to bed. The Martian kids want to use their half hour to watch Earth Programs, but Billy and Betty don't want too and seem depressed. They just want to go to bed...been there too. Kimar, showing more concern for strangers then his own kids, wants to know what is wrong with them. They insist it is nothing, but as they leave Momar figures out that they are homesick. Moms...and Momars always know.

Still more convincing the most mall Santas.

Now we cut to Dropo, who is trying on the Santa's suit despite the fact that Santa told him not too. If Dropo knew what Santa did to his elves that disobeyed him, he wouldn't be so quick to put on that suit. Dropo looks on unhappily at how loose the suit is and starts to gorge himself on food pills. That's a good lesson for the kids there. Hey kids, if your not happy with how you look just take as many pills as you can shove in your mouth.

Anyway, waiting for the food pills to make him fat is taking too long so Dropo does what every skinny guy posing as Santa has done from the beginning of time. He stuffs a pillow down his pants. Now that he fat like Santa, he puts on Santa's coat and hat and the...fake beard? So Momar made Santa a fake beard? Really? Alright...Well Since Dropo now thinks of himself as Santa Claus and his finger isn't tired he decides to go back to the shop and make some more toys.

Behind Enemy Lines: The Santa Incident

But as Dropo makes his way to the factory someone is already there. It's Voldar and his gang. Seems they plan to sabotage the machine to turn out faulty toys and thus make Santa look bad and that will kill Christmas on Mars. As they set about their dastardly deed, they hear someone coming and quickly hide. In comes Dropo still in full out Santa gear. Voldar seeing this of course assumes it is the real Santa. I mean it's a bad costume and is clearly not Santa, but how would Voldar know what Santa looks like? What? He was on Earth when they kidnapped him? Well I mean maybe he never got a good look at him....He did? Up Close? Really. Well Voldar's an idiot then.

So they grab Santa and drag him back to their posh cave lair. I mean it's got a fire....and a ummmm...did I say fire already? Voldar orders the Nuclear Curtain lowered. Seems that once this curtain is lower it'll disengrate anyone that tries to pass through it. They plan to hold Santa prisoner, until tommorrow which will mark the end of operation Santa Claus and the end of Christmas on Mars!

Back at Kimar's house, everyone is looking for Dropo. They look high and low, but he is no where to be found. Santa comes in and tells them that his extra suit is missing. Kimar informs him that Dropo is also missing. Santa thinks he knows what has happened. Clearly Dropo took the suit and went back down to the factory to make more toys. They'll find him there. So he collects his slaves...I mean kids...I don't know why I keep doing that, and heads for the factory.

Hey you got bear in my doll!
Hey you got doll in my bear!

When they arrive, however, Dropo is no where to be found. But Santa can't be bothered with that, he has to make the toys. On come the machines and toys start to poor out. One problem, they are all mixed up. A bear comes out with a doll's head, and vice versa. The baseball bat comes out with a tennis racket on top. It's all craaaaaaaaaaaazy. The machine is all broken. Santa wants Bomar to call his father to come take a look at it.

Back in the cave they still haven't figured out that Dropo isn't the real Santa Claus. With the power of his hostage, Voldar plans to walk right into the toy shop and...I don't know what his plan is now. He has Santa, he has sabotaged the toy making machine, and ruined Christmas for everyone on Mars. He's won...or at least he thinks he has. No idea why he wants to go to the toy shop other then to gloat or something. As Voldar and his goons depart, he leaves one minion to guard Dropo Claus.

After Voldar departs, the goon activates the Nuclear Curtain. The dimwitted goon explains exactly how the curtain works to Dropo Claus, and then moves away from the controls with his back turned. How lucky for Dropo. He uses the chance to switch the control lights which show when the curtain is off or on. He then turns the curtain off and escapes, with Voldar's stooge too scared to follow because he thinks the curtain is still up.

Back at the workshop, Kimar has examined the toy machine and determined that it was sabotage that made the machine go haywire. He also suspects that Voldar has also kidnapped Dropo as well. Kimar storms out to find Dropo and bring Voldar to justice and lucky for him he runs right into Voldar at the entrance to the toy factory. Kimar quick draws his hair dryer on him. Voldar, however, just laughs it off. He has Santa Claus, and he'll be destroyed him if he doesn't do as he says. He then outlines his demand. First, the toy machine is to be destroyed. Second, Santa and the kids are to be sent back to Earth. Third, no more "Joy through toys on Mars." Man, what a blow hard.

Blow Dry and style?

Kimar caves in to the demands. Wha...What? But...and he has the...that's not the real...I don't get it. But it turns out that Kimar is just messing with them and he then reveals the real Santa in his workshop. They are really confused now. How did he escape the cave? And how did he change his appearance so radically, so that now he doesn't look like a Martian in a bad suit. It's uncanny! Kimar uses this confusion, to pull his gun on them again and forces them into a closet. Oh...I don't know if I like where this going.

Oh he is just going to lock them in the closet. Whew...I thought this was going to be something that Voldar would have to try to figure out with his therapist for many years to come. Upon hearing that Kimar plans to make him stand trial before the council, Voldar strikes knocking the gun from Kimars hand. After a breif fight, Kimar is knocked out cold.

Meanwhile in the workshop, Santa has finished repairing the toy making machine. He then sends Billy for some red paint, which of course is located in the very storage closet where Kimar now lays unconscious and Voldar and his goon plan their next move. As Billy approaches, he overhears the evil plans beyond the door. Voldar plans to kill Santa and smash the machine. Billy runs back into the workshop to warn Santa.

As Billy narcs out Voldar, Santa has a plan. He'll let Voldar play with his toys. Oh I hope that's not a metaphor for something. Nope. Turns out he meant it literally, for no sooner does does Voldar burst into the room then he begins to have toys of all kinds thrown at him from every direction. Marshmallow guns blaze away, their deadly projectiles finding their mark leaving no damage but only a sweet smell. Tin wind up toys advance on the fiend to fight for their right to exist. Oh and they beat him with baseball bats too.

Soon Dropo Claus arrives at the toy shop only to run right into Voldar's goon. Just as Dropo is about to get blasted, Kimar wakes up and emerges from the closet. He takes the weapon away and turns it on it's owner. He then forces him into the main workshop, where they find a defeated and crying Voldar. The prisoners are marched away to prison. As Dropo comes in, Santa hugs him and proclaims him his heir apparent and that now he will be the Santa Claus of Mars.

Dropo is preggers.

We now come to sad goodbyes. It's time for Santa, Billy, and Betty to return to Earth. Kimar and Momar thank Santa from bringing back happiness to the children, and the Christmas Spirit to all of Mars. Just then a fat Dropo Claus storms into the room, wishing everyone everyone a Merry Christmas. Doubting if Dropo's jelly belly is real, Kimar stabs him with a pin popping a the balloon under his coats. I am glad he was sure that was balloon, I hear bleeding out from the stomach is one of the longest and most painful way to die. Lucky for Dropo it was a balloon.

Santa sees this as the perfect time to beat feet and that if they hurry they might be able to get back in Earth in time for Christmas Eve. So the trio depart with one final Merry Christmas. We then see the rocket returning to Earth, as the first chords "Hooray for Santa Claus" strike up.

Santa and the kids return to earth where they are shot down by NORAD.

And thus "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" ends. And from us at B-Movie Blitzkrieg (which is just me), we wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Till next time, see you on the Frontline.

-Matt

And remember I can see you when you poop.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 2

When we left off last time Martians had come to Earth with intent to kidnap Santa Claus. Billy and Betty, become traitors to their world, and tell the Martians where to find Santa. For their trouble they also get kidnapped by the Martians and hauled off to the North Pole. There all caught up? Good...

So now Dropo is giving the kids a tour of the Martian spacecraft, just like all declared enemies of the Martian Empire are. So Dropo goes about pretty much telling them what every little button does and how to work it. I'm sure this won't backfire on him at all either. No, no, no.

Anyway, they get to a little light on the control panel that only blinks when someone is coming up the elevator. And wouldn't you know it, it starts to blink as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Dropo has to quickly hide the kids, so he shoves them into the Radar Box. I bet it smelled something awful of Dropo in there too considering he rode the whole from Mars to Earth in there. Probably smells like Martian feet in there. Which smells just like Earth feet, only green.

No sooner has the kids shut the lid on the Radar Box, then the whole crew comes piling into the bridge. Voldar uses this chance to once again show us how much of an asshat he is by bullying poor old Dropo. The rest of the crew prepare to land at Santa's Workshop. As they land, Kimar commands Dropo to guard the kids and make sure they don't leave the ship. Kimar then says he is going to take Torg with him to make sure they capture Santa. We aren't told who Torg is, but he must be a big gun of some kind since Voldar doesn't think they need him to capture a "Rolly Polly Little Man like Santa Claus." His words, not mine.

As the Martians leave, Billy and Betty emerge from their hiding spot. Feeling guilt for spilling the beans about Santa, they plan to get off the ship and warn Santa. But first Billy trashes the Radar Box, so that if the Martians get off Earth, they'll have whole U.S. Space Force after them. Which at this point in history were a couple of space capsules on top of rockets that could barely make it to the Moon. I'm sure they'll live in fear of that.

So the children make their way out of the ship and run randomly into the ice covered wasteland of the North Pole. Well I guess Voldar doesn't have to worry, because Billy and Betty will be dead in fifteen minutes. No sooner have they disappeared into the white desolation of snow (fancy right), then the Martians emerge from the ship as well, but wait...Voldar isn't with them. Kimar demands to know where Voldar is. Just as he demands this, Voldar himself appears.

Kimar begins to berate Voldar for always working against him. He then warns him to stay away from the children. Guess Voldar is also a pedophile or something. Voldar however laughs this off and then informs Kimar that the kids have escaped! Fearing that the children will warn Santa, he orders that they be found. As the Martians spread out to look for them, Kimar orders Torg out of the ship. We still don't get to see what he looks like. I like to imagine that he is a tentacle rape monster. But that's just me.

Thanks to global warming...men in polar bear suits will soon be extinct.

Voldar quickly picks up the kids trail, and so they jump into an ice cave to hide. Course the kids forgot to wipe away their footprints and they lead him right to the cave. As Voldar is about to discover them, a loud grow comes from behind him. He turns, his hair dryer at the ready, only to discover a huge, rabid, monstrous, MAN IN A POLAR BEAR SUIT!!! Voldar of course backs off, because he's seen CSI and knows what Furries do to you. This Furry, however, isn't picky though. If he can't have Voldar, then he'll take some little kids! Lucky for Billy and Betty, he can't get his mascot sized head into the cave. After a few tries, the Furry gives up and leaves.

Oh no Billy...I don't want to be killed by a water heater.

As Billy and Betty sit and freeze to death and complain about their fate, they suddenly see lights in the distance. It must be Santa's workshop right? I mean what else could it be? A giant freaking robot that's what else it could be! This is Torg. I have to admit I'm disappointed it's not a tentacle rape monster, but you can't win them all. Billy and Betty just stand there as Torg takes like three hours to get to them and then captures them in a giant bear hug. Of course Voldar is first on the scene and orders the robot to kill the kids. Guess he never hear of Asimov's three laws of robotics.

Kimar arrives, and tells Voldar that Torg has been set to only obey because he knew Voldar would try something like that. Kimar the orders the kids locked up, so they can't stop them from getting to Santa Claus. They then depart for Santa's workshop.

The very specific fetish of Santa voyeurisms

When they arrive, they surround the workshop. After making sure the fat man is at home by peeping through his window, Kimar orders Torg into the workshop to capture Santa Claus.

I am looking for Sara Conner.

So Torg comes busting into Santa's workshop and starts ripping heads off Elves left and right. Blood is everywhere! And then he blast Santa with his laser eyes and the old man turns into charred bones and then he breaks all the toys...Ok, that didn't happen. Torg just walks in and picks up an elf, gently by the way, that got in his way and then walks up to Santa and that's it. Santa thinks he is a big toy and treats him as such and that's exactly what he ends up turning into.

Seeing their giant robot fail, the Martians burst in hair dryers in hand. After "freezing" a few Elves and Mrs. Claus too, they force Santa to come with them. And I just want to raise the question of why Santa Claus is wearing short sleeves? It has nothing to do with the plot here, but he is wearing his full out fur lined red suit, but it has short sleeves. It's just strange is all. Anyway, Santa comes along without much of a fight.

The news quickly spreads around the world that Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Martians. Seems Mrs. Claus, after she was unfrozen, went straight to the Po-Po. That raises the question of why they bothered to kidnap the kids? Wasn't it to keep them from going to the police? Why didn't they take everyone from the North Pole to Mars? Or just freeze and leave the kids? You know I'm starting to think this might just be a weak plot point to get the kids to Mars.

Oh kids. It looks like we are going to be here a while, and Santa has certain urges...

On board the Martian space craft, it turns out Santa has already begun to corrupt the crew with really corny jokes. Here is the one that did them in: "What is soft and round, and you put it on a stick and toast it in a fire...and it's green?" Give up? "A Martianmellow." That's the kind of thinking that brings down regimes. Mao would have had him shot for less then that.

Meanwhile Santa is trying to keep up the kids good cheer by telling them about how he almost died during the war. But it's not possible to cheer Billy and Betty up, they are just now having remorse for the fact that the lead the Martians right to his door step. But Santa forgives them. I mean everyone knows where Santa Claus lives. Yeah, everyone but Martians...which is who they told. You are being too easy on them Saint Nick. Too easy.

Anyway, Dropo comes in just then with their food pills. And what are they having tonight? Soup, Beef Stew, Chocolate Ice Cream, and Extenze! Man they sure eat crazy on Mars. Thing is the kids aren't hungry...and they don't want four hour erections either. Dropo asks if he can have them, because not only is he hungry but he has a hot date later tonight.

Voldar the Barbarian

After finding out that the kids have sabotaged the Radar Box, Voldar flies into a rage and heads down to deal with the kids. Under the guise of giving them yet another tour of the ship, Voldar tricks Santa and the kids into the ships airlock. Why did they willing go into an airlock with a guy they know wants to kill them? Cause they are idiots that is why.

The countdown clock to having their blood freeze and their eyeballs explode is clicking away on the wall, Santa quickly tries to find a way out of his. He finds a vent that leads out of the room. On the bridge Voldar watches the controls as the airlock is vented to space, killing those pesky kids and their Santa too.

Kimar burst in to ask who is in the airlock, and this smart ass Voldar comes back with "No one...now." Putting two and two together, Kimar figures out what Voldar has done and thus follows the epic fight. It's hard to give you a blow by blow of this, but I will try my best.

BAM! POW! PUNCH! THROW! CHOKE! CRASH! FALL! PUNCH! POW! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!

And that's pretty much how it went down. I know you can just see it in your mind's eye now.

Anyway Kimar won or course. Just then Santa and the kids enter the bridge. Only one thing could have happened. They died and now they are GHOSTS!!!! Wait...no, Santa saved them by using his magical powers to slip slide up the air vent and out of the airlock. Voldar is sent to the brig. He'll stand trial for what he did. Attempted murder of a fictional character.

However, when they go to get Voldar from brig, after landing, they find Dropo tied up on the bed instead. I'm sure Voldar somehow tricked Dropo into some weird David Carradin like stuff, and then escaped. Only logical thing that could have happened. Anyway, now Voldar is on the loose and he still has it in for Santa. Voldar will return in "The Living Daylights."

I'm Santa Bitch!

But Santa has more important work then tracking down Voldar. He has to start bringing happiness to the children of Mars starting with Kimar's own kids. After all the quicker he fixes them, the quicker Kimar can get back to acting like they don't exist. But before the Martian kids can meet Santa they have to meet Billy and Betty. Billy has to teach Bomar how to shake hand. Thing is shaking is a dirty hand gesture on Mars for doing something to inappropriate to your mother. Ok, I made that last part up.

Then the big man himself shows up and the Martian kids just stare in wonder...or confusion. I don't know which. They look the same those two. Actually, I bet it's confusion. Santa breaks the tension by just laughing. He doesn't tell a joke, or even fart. He just starts laughing. Then everyone else nervously follows suite. After the kids fall asleep from laughing all day, Santa says he wants to set up his workshop as quickly as possible, so he can get all the toys done and he can return to Earth for Christmas. But Kimar puts on his Captain Bring-down hat and tells Santa that he will never return to Earth, that he belongs to Mars now....

DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Will Santa get back to Earth? Will Voldar get his revenge? Will the Wizard ever give Dropo a brain? You'll have to tune in for the final chapter of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Till next time, see you on the frontline.

-Matt.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Part 1.

It's a Christmas miracle! A B-Movie review on the B-Movie Blitzkrieg! Alright, Alright...but don't go getting use to it. See this is a special occasion. It's Christmas! And what better way to celebrate the season with possibly the best bad movie about it. 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Now this movie is kinda famous. Most notably for being featured in a season three of Mystery Science Theater. After that this movie got a real strong cult following and I've seen it shown the last couple Christmas as a late night movie. In fact this movie has been running on TCM this year. I, however, own the movie. Both the MST3K version and regular, so I don't have to wait till Christmas Eve to see it.

Conquers is used very loosely here.

The movie starts out with the super catchy Santa Claus Conquers the Martians theme song: "Hooray for Santa Claus". I'll even go out on a limb and say that this is actually more catchy then the theme from Zorro. But I'll just let you be the judge:

Santa plays it up for the mass media

The movie opens on two Martian children, you know they are Martians because they are green, watching Earth TV. It's good to see that even on Mars they use the TV as a babysitter for their children. And what program are they watching? Why the news of course, because all kids love the news. Although kids might like this news more since we are about to see a exclusive interview with none other then Santa Claus himself. That's a pretty good scope right there. I bet Babara Walter was as jealous as a pig in...well you know the rest.

After a flurry of jokes from our firmly in the closet field reporter Andy about how cold it is, we actually get to the main event; an interview with the big man himself, Santa Claus. Although Santa Claus seems to have got into the wacky weed before he went on camera. He can't even remember the names of his own Reindeer. Even going so far as to call one of them "Nixon". This little exchange is interrupted by Mrs. Claus, who is riding Santa's ass about getting stuff done for Christmas. That is until she finds out she is on TV. Then she gets so excited that I think she may have climaxed, and runs off to change her underwear. Santa then shows Andy all the toys they are making, including a doll of a Martian.

This is Dropo...he's retarded.

We now turn back to Mars where we find Kimar, king of the Martians. He's got a cape...that's how you know he is the king. Kimar is looking for someone named Dropo, and he finds him sleeping under the table. So of course he does the only sensible and logical thing and wakes him up with a "tickle ray" that he just happens to have laying around. No doubt to use on Momar (his wife) after the kids go to bed. Dropo seems to be some kind of live-in slave or something, but not a very good one. As Kimar notes, he is "The Laziest Man on Mars."

Anyway this whole scene is just set up to ask Dropo where Momar is. Turns out she is out buying food pills. See you know they are more advanced then us because they eat their food in pill form and that's always the sign of highly evolved life. Actually, I wouldn't mind eating food in pill form. It'd be a lot easier to eat healthy if I didn't have to worry about how it tastes.

Anyway, turns out the kids haven't been eating. Kimar of course blames the Earth programs rather then his poor ass parenting skills. Yep, that's called transference. And when he demands to see his kids, he finds out they are watching Earth Programs right now. He stomps into to find his to children, the girl Gomar, and the boy Bomar, sitting like little zombies trying to figure out complex issues of life. Like "What is a doll?" or "Tender Loving Care." Course Kimar handles their clear cut ignorance and depression in the best way possible...by berating them, and forcing them to go to bed at like 4 in the afternoon. And when they don't instantly fall asleep he uses a sleep spray on them, which is conveniently controlled from his belt.

I don't know. The purpose of all this seems to be to show how bad Mars is, but whole meals in pill form, tickle rays, and a spray that makes bratty kids instantly go to sleep. Sounds pretty awesome to me. I may just have to move to Mars and conquer them myself. If Santa left anyone alive after his blood thirsty conquest that is.

While all this is going on, Momar returns with many new food pills from the store. She got hamburger, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, chocolate layer cake, and Vicadan. Now that's a meal! Kimar doesn't give two craps about Momar's day. Instead he is still mad and wants to complain about the kids. Seems kids all over Mars aren't acting like good little robots anymore and this is problem. Momar suggests that he go see Chochem, apparently a wise old dude. Kimar gathers his council chiefs and heads off to find Chochem.

Suck it in...and ACTION!

When we get to a place called Chochem's Chair, which I guess it where Chochem lives or at least his chair, we see that the council is already there. Voldar, the guy in the middle in the pic above, quickly singles himself out as a total douche, by generally just being a total dick to everyone. Kimar arrives and calls on Chochem to appear, and he does so in a puff of smoke just like a ninja.

Here it comes thunder bucket!

Chochem seems to be like a green, senile, Merlin with no cool powers. Despite this, Kimar puts the question of the children of Mar's condition to him. Chochem knows what is wrong with the children, they aren't being allowed to be children. He goes into a huge rant here on his soap box here. I'm sure was some kind of manifesto against modern society, but I'll be honest I didn't hear any of it. I was too busy looking at Chochem's lazy eye. Anyway, the solution is clear. They need a Santa Claus on Mars!

There is only one problem. There is only one Santa Claus and he is on Earth. Voldar is happy about that, he doesn't want any silly Santa Claus on Mars anyway. But Kimar has other ideas, he is going to kidnap Santa Claus! Dun, Dun, Duuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!

So the Martians blast off for Earth. When they reach Earth's orbit, they been to scan for signs of Santa. Soon they find many Santa Claus' on earth. One on each street corner, ringing bells. Surely if Earth has this many Santas, they can spare just one. So they prepare to land and do their dirty deed.

Meanwhile, the Earth's military (IE: Only the US of A. WOOOOO USA!!!!) have started to track the Martins in Earth orbit. Back on board the space craft, the Martians detect the Earth's radar and go to turn on the Radar Shield to prevent this. There is a problem though, the shield doesn't work! A quick check of the Radar Box, determines the problem. And the problem has a name and it is D-R-O-P-O. Dropo has stowed away inside the box, because he has never seen earth before. After pulling Dropo's sorry ass out of the box, the radar shield is working again, and they make their descent towards Earth.

Earth Children are easy.

Meanwhile, two small children are lost in the middle of the snow covered woods and are about to starve to death or be eaten by a wolf or something. Well no, not really. But Young Billy and Betty are just sort of hanging out in the woods without any parents around. Betty is listening to the news reports about the Martian craft spotted in orbit, which is now clearly a meteor or swap gas, or the planet Venus, but Billy just wants to sleep. I don't think it's wise for Billy to go to sleep in the middle of the woods in freezing temperatures. I think that might be the first sign of hypothermia. Lucky for Billy, Betty isn't giving up on this whole Martian thing. Anyway, she pesters Billy enough that he asks her what she'd do if she actually saw a Martian, and right on cue three Martians arrive and Betty screams like a little girl. I mean she is a little girl, but still...it's kinda a wuss thing to do.

The kids adjust to the shock of making first contact with an Alien race pretty quickly though and begin to ask questions about the Martian's antenna. After Kimar answers their question, and Voldar calls them stupid, they get down to business and demand to know where Santa Claus is. Billy and Betty then commit high treason, by telling the Martians that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. There will be a firing squad waiting for Billy and Betty when they get home.

Kimar, having used his masterful integration tactic of simply asking where Santa Claus is, plans to let the children go now that he knows where the fat man whereabouts. Voldar, earning his douche status, has other plans. He wants to bring the children with them not only to the North Pole, but to Mars it's self. His argument is that they will tell the authorities that Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians. Because if two children stumbled into Police station with a tale of Aliens kidnapping Santa Claus, I'm sure they'd be taken completely seriously. So they grab the kids and head for the North Pole to kidnap Santa.

That ends part one, be sure to check in next time for part two where we will see see giant robots, man eating polar bears, and Voldar makes his move.

Till then, see you next time on the frontline.

-Matt

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Project: Episode 105 The Corpse Vanishes

I haven't updated in a few days, and I wish I could say I was busy. That, however, is not the case. No, I think I was avoiding this film on a subconscious level. The movie this weeks is episode 105: The Corpse Vanishes.



This movie is hard to get through. It's a Bela Lugosi film. Not one of the few good ones he had, but rather the really "meh" films he had to do after everyone only offered him horror pictures after Dracula. And this one is one of the worst. But before we get into that we cover another chapter of Radar Men from the Moon, which is always fun.

The movie its self is about a man who is killing brides on their wedding day with poison flowers and then steals their bodies (Hence "The Corpse Vanishes") and uses them to keep his wife young and beautiful. Released in 1942 ,this was the oldest movie MST3K ever covered. It's slow. Real slow. Slow even for season 1, where almost every movie was slow. We have a heroine in the form of a local newspaper reporter. Just imagine Lois Lane from all those old Superman cartoons from the 30's and that's pretty much this woman.

The riffing is pretty lackluster here, but not really any worse then any other season 1 episode.There were also a few Dracula impersonations which lost any funny after the first one. One good thing that seems to have been added in this episode is an in show awareness of the commercial breaks. At one point a host segment ends with Tom saying "And speaking of selling out." which then cuts to commercial. Later on Joel also does this in the theater when he says "And speaking of selling" and then we cut to commercial.

I didn't really like this episode much. It's not something that anyone that isn't a hardcore fan of the show should really try to watch. I'm giving this one a 2 out of 5.

Next time we will be watching Episode 106: The Crawling Hand. I'm actually looking forward to this one, it's been a long time since I've seen it and I've forgot almost everything about it. So it'll be like watching it for the first time.

-Matt

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Project: Episode 104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet.

Today we look at fourth episode of MST3K, Women of the Prehistoric Planet.



Thing is this isn't episode 4, it's actually episode 13. The story goes as follows. This episode was MEANT to be episode 4, but for one reason or another it was pushed back and was actually the last episode shot and aired for season 1. Despite this the earlier 104 number was put on this episode officially. They even announce the winners of a write in contest that won't even happen till episode 110. Very confusing if you are watching these in the official order like we are.

Being the last episode of the season does help though. This one is more like a Season 2 episode then a Season One. While the host segments are still a little sloppy, but riffing in the theater is really good and some of the best in the season. It's also helped by the fact that this mid-sixties Sci-Fi, is slightly sexist and racist and cheesy as all get out and that makes the episode even better. The movie has some crazy Planet of the Apes like twist at the end which makes it even sillier. Actually, I think this movie predates Planet of the Apes. So they ripped them off. They should sue.

Anyway this one gets a 4 out 5. Probably the best episode of Season 1, hands down.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Project: Episode 103 The Mad Monster

Last time I watched Episode 102: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy. This episode is a lot better then first. The riffs come faster and far funnier then the first episode. This one is also helped by the fact that it has the first part "Radar Men From the Moon" as a short before the film. The movie is also a whole different kind of cheese then the first film, being a dubbed Mexican film. Also the "Host Segments", the name given to parts of the show where Joel and the Bots talk to the audience are far better in this one. I give this one a 3 out of 5 stars. It still has all the problems of Season 1 episodes, but it is not the worst from this era.

Now we move on to Episode 103: The Mad Monster



Gonna switch things up a little and actually put the review of the episode in the episode subject. Frankly the other way was stupid and I don't know why I started doing it that way. Anyway, this episode starts out again with a short from "Radar Men From The Moon." Which helps, but I think I'll get sick of these if they keep up every episode. The riffs come pretty fast in this one, but still lack the quality of jokes that would come later in the series. It's really just saying whatever comes to mind and if it's funny good, if not oh well. And while the riffs where coming at you fast, this movie was beyond boring. Nothing as cheesy or fun as The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy. This movie isn't so much bad, as it is slow as hell. Anyway they make the best of it, but maybe using a different movie would have been better.

I'm giving it a 3 out of 5.

Next time we will be watching Episode 104: Women of the Prehistoric Planet.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Project: Episode 102 The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Last time I was about to watch the first national episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Crawling Eye. This was the first in my attempt to watch every single episode of this cult TV show.

Now it's time to tell you what I thought of it. This episode is slow. Very slow in fact. There huge parts at the start of the movie with no riffing at all. So you're basically just watching the movie with three silent silhouettes in the corner, and when a joke does come it's far from funny. There a few good riffs here and there, but on the whole the episode falls far short. This wouldn't be so bad if the movie was entertaining, but it's not. It's boring and drags...and drags...and drags.

I'm giving it 2 out of 5.

This is not an episode you want to show someone that has never seen the show before. This is show that fans watch to say you've seen it and that's about it, because you love the show as a whole.

Now that is out of the way we move on the movie I'm about to watch now. Season 1/Episode 2: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy.

A lot of the same things I was worried about with the first episode hold true for this one as well, although I do think the crazy ass subject matter of this movie will save it a little.

Anyway I'm pushing play....WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Project: Episode 101 The Crawling Eye

Today I begin to under take a rather large and lofty task that is probably beyond my ability to finish. Nothing new then, but this one is a far different beast all together. Today I start my attempt to watch all 198 episodes of the cult TV series Mystery Science Theater 3000.



This is going to be hard task, mostly because I don't own the entire 198 episode run on DVD. But I'll deal with that when I get to it. I own most of Season 1 and so it shouldn't be a problem for awhile.

If you don't know what MST3K is, then I suggest looking it up. I could write it all out here, but I'm lazy. Meh. Anyway we start with the Season 1: Episode 1 The Crawling eyes.


I'm not looking forward to this really. Season 1 is tough to get through. The guys weren't in their groove yet and wouldn't be till about half way through Season 2. It is also doubly hard for me because I just don't care for Josh Weinstein as Tom Servo, or as Dr. Laurence "Larry" Erhardt. Lucky for me Kevin Murphy replaced Josh as the voice of Servo, and Frank Conniff came in as the lovable TV's Frank in Season 2.

I'm about to push play. I'll let you know what I thought before I watch episode Episode 2. Anywhere here we go:

WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!!