G.I.Joe: The Movie Intro. The Greatest Joe thing ever?

Better then Action Team and Kung Fu grip? Duh...those are dolls, so yes. We are talking about the actual action figure Joes here. Ones that fought Terrorists, not bears and tigers.

I won't be giving you a history lesson on G.I.Joe today. If you're reading this corner of geekdom, then you should know what G.I.Joe is. What we will be talking about today is G.I.Joe the Movie. Not that steaming pile of crap that Paramount gave us in 2009. No, this is the steaming pile of crap that Sunbow/Marvel gave us in 1987. But not off the movie is bad. There is one silver lining, the intro...

I know it's hard to make out, but you can see that under G.I.Joe it says "A Real American Hero." This little tag line has been dropped since the live action movie came out. As have the Red, White, and Blue colors on the logo. A result, I'm sure of living in a world where America isn't thought of as highly as it once was. Sad really.

We open on what I can only assume is Fourth of July on Liberty Island. There are fireworks going off and Red, Blue, and Yellow(?) balloons are being released.

Of course Cobra shows up to ruin all the fun. I must add there isn't much plot here. Cobra wants to blow up the Statue of Liberty and G.I.Joe wants to stop them. That's all you get. This really isn't about story anyway, it's all about fighting and things blowing up. It's like a Micheal Bay movie, but good.

Anyway, it pretty much looks like the crap has hit the fan, as Cobra troopers attack chasing off all the good white middle class families with 2.5 kids.

Then Duke kills Major Bludd. Well maybe he didn't, but he doesn't show up in the movie that follows this. In fact I think this might be the last time we seen Major Bludd in animated form. Huh...maybe he did kill him. YO JOE!!!

G.I.Joe springs into action! Seems they've been waiting on Cobra and have lured them into a trap. I can just imagine Admiral Ackbar sitting on the bridge of Cobra's flying carrier yelling "It's a Trap!!!!"

Let's see if I can name the Joes! Ummmm...don't know. One of the Original 13 though, same with the 2nd guy. Then we have Barbecue, Recondo, Spirit, and that pansy Lifeline. I think Steeler might be in the background there too.

I'm actually a little surprised Cobra Commander is doing this himself. He just never seemed the type to go out and plant the bomb himself, while all his underlings sit on the ship. Gotta give him props on that. Don't see that ass clown Serpentor doing that do you? No. Serpentor, how I loathe thee.

Oddly I think this is proper scale here. The Statue of Liberty is a lot smaller then most people think.

Now Alpine fires his grappling hook at a Cobra Firebat and pulls himself onto it. Why didn't it pulls his arms right out of their sockets? Well I'm guessing cause it's a cartoon. He uses the same tactic to get away too, but this time it's a Trouble Bubble.

Shipwreck is awesome. That is all.

I can't believe Iceberg wore his winter gear to New York on the Fouth of July. I bet he smelled just wonderful after all of this. I can imagine everyone making excuses so they don't have to sit next to him in the Tomahawk on the way back to base. Course Barbecue got to wear all his Firefighting gear, so why not.

You can't see it, but that counter says 007. A nod to James Bond? Mayhaps.

And in classic action movie form, Duke uses the bad guys own weapon against them...

...by blowing up their flying carrier with the bomb. Oh and R.I.P. Admiral Ackbar.

And Cobra Commander sounds the retreat. You know, I just started wondering just how many time the line "Cobra Retreat" is said during this show. That would be a good project for one of you readers out there. So hop to it.

And everything is right with the world again! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Seriously though this thing made me feel patriotic at 7, and I'm not even sure I knew patriotism was. All I knew was that America kicked ass, and we could take on anyone...wish I still felt that way.

Sadly this was the last really decent thing Joe that happened Cartoon wise. The movie that followed this was awful, and the DIC series ("Got to get tough! Yo Joe!") was almost as bad. There were a series of Direct to DVD movies, and the short lived Sigma Six, but none of been able to hold a candle to the original show. If you want to see this I'd say look it up on YouTube. It's not worth suffering through the movie just to see this.

Anyway till next time, I'll see you on the front line.